dd embarrassed about mom

[Anonymous]

DD (senior at college) wants to invite her out of state friend over for a week.
I (mom) an anxious person with no social skills or friends and add to that, compulsively cleaning everything.
DD blames mom for lack of friendships since elementary school.
DD is worried that I may embarrass her before her friend and I understand her.

Please provide some guidance so that I can learn and adapt in a short time so I would not embarrass myself or DD before her friend.

[Anonymous]

Just let them hang out & stay out of their way. Be as warm and friendly as possible, provide a warm meal,,but keep busy and do your thing.

[Anonymous]

Tbh your dd sounds immature for her age. You are kindly having her friend come and stay in your house for a whole week and rather than be thankful she is making you feel bad about it. I am sure you are fine OP, just be warm and friendly.

[Anonymous]

Ask DD what she wants from you regarding meals. In turn, ask her to keep you in the loop of their plans. Basically, if they won’t be home for dinner, you won’t plan for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Tbh your dd sounds immature for her age. You are kindly having her friend come and stay in your house for a whole week and rather than be thankful she is making you feel bad about it. I am sure you are fine OP, just be warm and friendly.

Plus 1

[Anonymous]

1. Tell your saughter she is 100% responsible for feeding, entertaining and cleaning up after her friend, and she'd better not drop the ball and embarrass you. She could also fix you a drink while she is at it.

2. Kick back and relax.

[Anonymous]

Ask a few questions and be a good listener to the answers. Smile and make eye contact. Don't ask a ton of questions, especially if your dd looks uncomfortable. Have some good food and snacks around. Ask if they want to eat meals with you or just graze. Try to hold back your cleaning obsession with "it's just one week it's just one week" and don't criticize your dd publicly. If you are concerned about something, pull her to the side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:1. Tell your saughter she is 100% responsible for feeding, entertaining and cleaning up after her friend, and she'd better not drop the ball and embarrass you. She could also fix you a drink while she is at it.

2. Kick back and relax.

This

[Anonymous]

OP, you are loading all of this with too much drama, intensity. How about you look at it this way: Your daughter will have a house guest. You will clean before they arrive. How about you do not "clean" while they are there, except loading dishes in the dishwasher, that type of thing. If you need guidance, you and DD could create a list of reasonable tasks, while they are there but no more. I once stayed at a friend's. There was a guest bathroom provide that only I used. The host thought would come in and clean the sink every morning - this, for example, is not ok. It's odd. Re: your DD opinions about whether you have friends, your social life, you should not be tolerating snarky comments. She's being rude. That's not your DD's business.

Your DD can invite people or not. You say she wants to invite -- so don't overthink this (no drama from either of you). You are good enough.

[Anonymous]

Your daughter has inherited your anxiety, OP, and that is why she is saying these things. The apple does not fall far from the tree in terms of anxiety, but it expresses itself in a different way.

Please point this out to her, and explain that you cannot treat your anxiety/OCD between now and the visit, but you can temporarily reduce your cleaning activities, is that's what's bothering her. If you also tend to hover, try not to. The sooner your daughter understands that anxiety (and other personality traits) is largely inherited through genes, the more she will be able to treat her own anxiety and forgive you for yours. These are not things you or she can easily control. You were born with them, and handed them down to her. All you can do, both of you, is manage your personality traits (and possibly medicate your mental health disorders, if they rise to a clinically diagnosable level).

There is a fine balance between using your own property as you see fit, and making an effort to conciliate your anxious daughter when she's made such a good friend that she's willing to show her how her family lives. So please also remind her that as the homeowner, you also get to use your property how you see fit, but you are generously prepared to make an effort during friend visits because you love her.

[Anonymous]

^ and I think both of you need to remind yourselves that the guest probably won't notice a thing! None of us are as interesting to others as we are to ourselves. If the guest sees you hover or clean, all they might think is: "Wow Larla's mother keeps such a clean house. She's so attentive. My mom isn't like this." You're not inviting a psychologist into your home who will diagnose you in the blink of an eye with cleanliness OCD and social anxiety. And if you were, well, is it that bad?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DD (senior at college) wants to invite her out of state friend over for a week.
I (mom) an anxious person with no social skills or friends and add to that, compulsively cleaning everything.
DD blames mom for lack of friendships since elementary school.
DD is worried that I may embarrass her before her friend and I understand her.

Please provide some guidance so that I can learn and adapt in a short time so I would not embarrass myself or DD before her friend.

First of all. Being a parent and an introvert is not a crime and extrovert kids make and keep friends regardless of mom's social skills.

As far as her friend's visit, just relax and be accepting of yourself, your DD and her friend. None of you has to be a perfect host or guest, just kind to each other.

Be welcoming but let them hang out by themselves more. Encourage DD to go show her friend her town and favorite restaurants,. This way they'll be out for several hours and eat out for many meals.

[Anonymous]

As another poster mentioned, your DD is anxious and being an anxious person, you can empathize and try your best to make it a pleasant (not necessarily perfect) visit.

[Anonymous]

Just stay out of their way.
Try to be out of the house as much as possible. Get takeout a few times. Ask what the guest likes to eat and drink and stock up.
Be friendly and pleasant to the guest but don’t ask too many intrusive questions

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Your daughter has inherited your anxiety, OP, and that is why she is saying these things. The apple does not fall far from the tree in terms of anxiety, but it expresses itself in a different way.

Please point this out to her, and explain that you cannot treat your anxiety/OCD between now and the visit, but you can temporarily reduce your cleaning activities, is that's what's bothering her. If you also tend to hover, try not to. The sooner your daughter understands that anxiety (and other personality traits) is largely inherited through genes, the more she will be able to treat her own anxiety and forgive you for yours. These are not things you or she can easily control. You were born with them, and handed them down to her. All you can do, both of you, is manage your personality traits (and possibly medicate your mental health disorders, if they rise to a clinically diagnosable level).

There is a fine balance between using your own property as you see fit, and making an effort to conciliate your anxious daughter when she's made such a good friend that she's willing to show her how her family lives. So please also remind her that as the homeowner, you also get to use your property how you see fit, but you are generously prepared to make an effort during friend visits because you love her.

100% agree. Your daughter blaming you for her lack of skills to maintain and keep friends is unfair. She is wired similarly to you but does not want to admit it. If her friend can't accept her-- all of her-- then she's not a friend.