FIL left MIL. Family dynamics

[Anonymous]

My FIL recently left my MIL for another woman. They were married for over 40+ years. He met someone else over a year ago and now has moved in with the new woman. MIL is upset. My husband has not shared any of this with me, I found out accidentally via imessages on our shared computer. My husband and his family are keeping the secret from me and our children. Do I have a right to be upset? I am not particularly close to my in-laws but, I don't feel good about knowing the details and wish I didn't know the truth. Feeling like my husband doesn't trust me to tell his family situation. I am waiting for him to spill the beans.

[Anonymous]

Just wait. He's processing and not ready to talk about it

[Anonymous]

That's really weird.

[Anonymous]

He is mortified and he knows you won’t be super supportive/give good advice so he is bracing himself to tell you

[Anonymous]

OP here - thx. I keep reminding myself that I need to be extra sensitive to his feelings and show lots of empathy. And will not share the information with my family or any friends... I feel badly for him, it's not how you expect your parents to treat each other. He was already feeling upset about the relationship with his father the last few years.

[Anonymous]

I think we need more information about what you mean by "not particularly close" to your in-laws. Has he known for a year or this happened a year ago and he only just found out? I think it's pretty odd he hasn't told you and I would be upset too. I can't imagine my spouse keeping something this big in his life from me.

[Anonymous]

Because it's messy and sad and they erroneously think you don't need to know. My husband didn't tell me for the longest time that his brother had gotten divorced. Supposedly BIL didn't want MIL to know, so no one else was supposed to know either, in case one of us blabbed (I would never!). But I think the real reason is that some men just don't understand how women feel connected to family through information about relationships, and that depriving them of that relational info makes them very unhappy - as if they're untrustworthy second-rate citizens or something.

So I get you're upset. At the same time, posters will come on here and say "MYOB", and they won't be wrong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He is mortified and he knows you won’t be super supportive/give good advice so he is bracing himself to tell you

This.

You sound a bit difficult, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think we need more information about what you mean by "not particularly close" to your in-laws. Has he known for a year or this happened a year ago and he only just found out? I think it's pretty odd he hasn't told you and I would be upset too. I can't imagine my spouse keeping something this big in his life from me.

I am not that close to them, meaning I do not speak to them unless it's a birthday, holiday, a visit, etc (I try to keep it very cordial). They usually call and speak to my husband or the children. The in-laws are not normal and more often than not do not agree with our lifestyle so they often opine on it... One example, cooking and buying organic foods is exhausting and too much work. Why don't you just make frozen meals...

FIL met the woman a year ago, but just left recently (maybe a month ago). My husband found out maybe 3 weeks ago. His mother called him and was very upset - I was home when she called and he took the call in our bedroom and he said he would talk to me about it later (children were around). I have asked him about it and he said we'll talk about it later... And then I asked again and he said I was being too nosey. At the time, I assumed it was something health related or something about his brother.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He is mortified and he knows you won’t be super supportive/give good advice so he is bracing himself to tell you

This.

You sound a bit difficult, OP.

I think THEY are difficult/messy.

[Anonymous]

He's embarrassed and is worried you'll do something he doesn't agree with (I dunno what, like, admit to anyone that it's happening).

Or, long shot, he's cheated on you in the past so he doesn't even want to approach the topic at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:He's embarrassed and is worried you'll do something he doesn't agree with (I dunno what, like, admit to anyone that it's happening).

Or, long shot, he's cheated on you in the past so he doesn't even want to approach the topic at all.

He knows OP thinks she is better than his parents so he doesn’t expect much support from her. And he doesn’t need judgment just yet.

[Anonymous]

How long has he known? Was it yesterday or last month? I’d be upset if it were the latter bc I don’t keep secrets from DH

[Anonymous]

Of course your MIL is upset. Even if you don’t like her try to have some empathy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He's embarrassed and is worried you'll do something he doesn't agree with (I dunno what, like, admit to anyone that it's happening).

Or, long shot, he's cheated on you in the past so he doesn't even want to approach the topic at all.

He knows OP thinks she is better than his parents so he doesn’t expect much support from her. And he doesn’t need judgment just yet.

This. Or maybe he is considering a copycat move