Dementia Question

[Anonymous]

Do you have a family member that has dementia and/or alzheimers, that is either not acknowledged, or "flares" around certain people? Do yyou talk amongst yourselves about it, about how best to help the person?

[Anonymous]

What is your situation, op?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What is your situation, op?

The person is a little aggressive toward certain people.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your situation, op?

The person is a little aggressive toward certain people.

one of your parents is aggressive towards the other? If so, it might not be dementia. Maybe they are fed up and finally showing it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your situation, op?

The person is a little aggressive toward certain people.

one of your parents is aggressive towards the other? If so, it might not be dementia. Maybe they are fed up and finally showing it.

No, at family gatherings, a parent tends to be aggressive towards immediate family members (plural) that they see often, but not every week. The parent has never had a great disposition, but what once was merely snark, has escalated in their older years. The family members do not engage, but the aggression is becoming more obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What is your situation, op?

The person is a little aggressive toward certain people.

one of your parents is aggressive towards the other? If so, it might not be dementia. Maybe they are fed up and finally showing it.

No, at family gatherings, a parent tends to be aggressive towards immediate family members (plural) that they see often, but not every week. The parent has never had a great disposition, but what once was merely snark, has escalated in their older years. The family members do not engage, but the aggression is becoming more obvious.

This was my experience. With dad he was only agitated and mean with mom. Even at the end he could still be kind to me. This may be one of many reasons why as mom developed dementia I was the primary target for her anger bombs. It was only when i took long breaks from seeing her that she started hurling anger grenades at other. Before that everyone gaslit me and assumed I was being extreme.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it is often more symptomatic with certain people, and certain things can be triggers--people shes known a long time, people who are more excitable (kids), etc. It's very common. I recommend glancing through this book: https://www.amazon.com/Coping-Behavior-Change-Dementia-Caregivers/dp/0692385444

Because in my experience the behavior changes are subtle and start years before acute memory loss. A neurologist friend recommended this book and I felt like "Finally! The gaslighting is over."

I am sorry this is happening to you.

[Anonymous]

OP, my Father grew agitated (I think very afraid) around his grandsons. Most of his grandsons. They were 30 year olds, big strong men, beards. Seated next to one of them at a restaurant, Dad called the Manager over and said, "get rid of this Bum. Why do you let people like this in here." Their grandfather (had) adored them, been proud of them. We learned we needed to surround Dad with gentle women, the quieter the better, not someone talkative.

It's very hard to deal with. Dad didn't know me his last few years but it just so happened he liked me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, it is often more symptomatic with certain people, and certain things can be triggers--people shes known a long time, people who are more excitable (kids), etc. It's very common. I recommend glancing through this book: https://www.amazon.com/Coping-Behavior-Change-Dementia-Caregivers/dp/0692385444

Because in my experience the behavior changes are subtle and start years before acute memory loss. A neurologist friend recommended this book and I felt like "Finally! The gaslighting is over."

I am sorry this is happening to you.

+1

This is what has been happening - certain people are "acceptable" (whether or not the parent knows them well), and certain people are not (again, no rhyme or reason). It can be frightening and hard to deal with, especially with kids around, so I appreciate the support and input. Please keep the information coming, I need to be educated about this, and not do the wrong thing. It is a sensitive topic, and family is not very likely to discuss it out loud.

[Anonymous]

They can not be shocked at unreasonable behavior

[Anonymous]

My mom does this with me and the woman who has been her best friend for the last 50+ years. She’s a sweet peach to everyone else but can be the worst human being to us. We’re closer to her than anyone so I think she feels safe taking her nastiness out on us. She’ll even complain about us to other people who she chooses to be nice to. It’s absolutely the most thankless job (taking care of a nasty, mean parent) but a necessary one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My mom does this with me and the woman who has been her best friend for the last 50+ years. She’s a sweet peach to everyone else but can be the worst human being to us. We’re closer to her than anyone so I think she feels safe taking her nastiness out on us. She’ll even complain about us to other people who she chooses to be nice to. It’s absolutely the most thankless job (taking care of a nasty, mean parent) but a necessary one.

Yes! This! I am new to this, so I am not sure where to start, I have heard (what you mentioned) that the dementia patient "feels safe" around certain people, so they become the subject the patient's anger. The nastiness is brutal, however. It seems so calculated, but I have to get over myself and see it from the parent side.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom does this with me and the woman who has been her best friend for the last 50+ years. She’s a sweet peach to everyone else but can be the worst human being to us. We’re closer to her than anyone so I think she feels safe taking her nastiness out on us. She’ll even complain about us to other people who she chooses to be nice to. It’s absolutely the most thankless job (taking care of a nasty, mean parent) but a necessary one.

Yes! This! I am new to this, so I am not sure where to start, I have heard (what you mentioned) that the dementia patient "feels safe" around certain people, so they become the subject the patient's anger. The nastiness is brutal, however. It seems so calculated, but I have to get over myself and see it from the parent side.

OP here. I think the problem that I am having is that the parent seems to know full well what they are doing. Again, I know I should not make it about me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My mom does this with me and the woman who has been her best friend for the last 50+ years. She’s a sweet peach to everyone else but can be the worst human being to us. We’re closer to her than anyone so I think she feels safe taking her nastiness out on us. She’ll even complain about us to other people who she chooses to be nice to. It’s absolutely the most thankless job (taking care of a nasty, mean parent) but a necessary one.

Yes! This! I am new to this, so I am not sure where to start, I have heard (what you mentioned) that the dementia patient "feels safe" around certain people, so they become the subject the patient's anger. The nastiness is brutal, however. It seems so calculated, but I have to get over myself and see it from the parent side.

OP here. I think the problem that I am having is that the parent seems to know full well what they are doing. Again, I know I should not make it about me.

Not making excuses for the old person but just because they know they are doing it doesn’t mean they can control it, if that makes sense. Dementia and cognitive decline do a number on people. My mom is now just getting to the point where “she can’t prove it but thinks people are stealing from her”. The brain doesn’t work like it used to.

[Anonymous]

OP I want to thank you and everyone who posted for this thread. This has completely validated the experience I have had for the past few years and it has made me feel less crazy and anxious. I am the target of mom's wrath and my sibling, who she wasn't very close to, only gets pleasant behavior. I have been gaslit so much and mom has become completely paranoid about me and complains to others. Luckily we have good professionals involved so I could detach and stop dealing with endless hostility.