How to get over annoyance and inequity?

[Anonymous]

My parents divorced when I was young and my dad remarried. I have one full sibling from my mom and dad (a brother 2 years younger) and a half sister who is 14 years younger than me. My half sister has always been treated differently from my brother and I who were help to much higher standard when it comes to things like education, work ethic and even manners.

At age 26 my half sister has NEVER had a job of any kind. She did graduate from college (which is the only thing my dad has ever forced her to do). My dad and step mom bankroll her whole life and she spends pretty extravagantly - fancy clothes, 3 meals a day eaten out, gym memberships, traveling regularly. My dad complains about this nonstop but refuses to do anything about it. Meanwhile, my brother and I have not received a penny from him since the day we graduated despite times we really could have used some help - which is the thing that makes me bitter.

What frustrates me most is that my dad has worked incredibly hard his whole life and has been very successful financially, and now all he wants is to retire but says he will have to work for the rest of his life to afford my step mom and half sister’s extravagant lifestyle. Lately he has started joking to my brother and I not to get too excited about his will because my step mom and half sister will probably bankrupt him by that point. He also talks about how my brother and I will need to look out for my half sister when they are gone because she doesn’t know how to do anything for herself.

For years I have just tried to ignore the inequity since I have worked hard to have a nice lift of my own, but the more my dad complains the more it makes me mad that he doesn’t do anything about this situation which is completely of his own design.

Last night we all went out to dinner and when my half sister showed up in a brand new very expensive car I literally lost it. My dad just told me he was going to put his foot down and get her a more reasonable car since he doesn’t want to push her to get a job.

Anyone have advice? How would you feel in a situation like this? It really hard not to get frustrated.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like your dad screwed up and he knows it. Men who wants a new wife will agree to all kinds of things to keep the wife.

I would tell him, every single time he mentions the future, "I will not take care of her." Flat sentence, long awkward pause. See what he says. You can also say "She can get a job." Long awkward pause.

[Anonymous]

I would ask him "Why do you bring this up to me?" In a calm tone of genuine curiosity. But if you're too mad to discuss it, ignore, or say "I can't help you with this."

[Anonymous]

“Dad, I may sound like a brat but it’s really hard to stomach listening to you complain when there’s so little fairness in the way we’re all treated. This is your problem to solve and I’m doing my best to not be bitter. Just know that I have no resources to help you in retirement or later. Please have the willpower to set aside funds for your own needs. That’s all I have to say.”

[Anonymous]

There have been a lot of posts about parent inequities lately. Your only opportunity is when your dad complains about the situation. Ask these questions: Why is she unable to work? Why do you continually fund her lifestyle? What does that teach her? Most importantly, ask your father if he has enough $$ to fund his old age? Or, will the 26 year old take care of the

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was young and my dad remarried. I have one full sibling from my mom and dad (a brother 2 years younger) and a half sister who is 14 years younger than me. My half sister has always been treated differently from my brother and I who were help to much higher standard when it comes to things like education, work ethic and even manners.

At age 26 my half sister has NEVER had a job of any kind. She did graduate from college (which is the only thing my dad has ever forced her to do). My dad and step mom bankroll her whole life and she spends pretty extravagantly - fancy clothes, 3 meals a day eaten out, gym memberships, traveling regularly. My dad complains about this nonstop but refuses to do anything about it. Meanwhile, my brother and I have not received a penny from him since the day we graduated despite times we really could have used some help - which is the thing that makes me bitter.

What frustrates me most is that my dad has worked incredibly hard his whole life and has been very successful financially, and now all he wants is to retire but says he will have to work for the rest of his life to afford my step mom and half sister’s extravagant lifestyle. Lately he has started joking to my brother and I not to get too excited about his will because my step mom and half sister will probably bankrupt him by that point. He also talks about how my brother and I will need to look out for my half sister when they are gone because she doesn’t know how to do anything for herself.

For years I have just tried to ignore the inequity since I have worked hard to have a nice lift of my own, but the more my dad complains the more it makes me mad that he doesn’t do anything about this situation which is completely of his own design.

Last night we all went out to dinner and when my half sister showed up in a brand new very expensive car I literally lost it. My dad just told me he was going to put his foot down and get her a more reasonable car since he doesn’t want to push her to get a job.

Anyone have advice? How would you feel in a situation like this? It really hard not to get frustrated.

Honestly I’d just stop or significantly cut back on spending time with him and if he asks why be candid that seeing/hearing about the blatantly inequitable treatment is making you resentful and it’s not a healthy situation for you to be around.

I would either flat out laugh in his face or just stand up and walk out when he told me I needed to be prepared to take care of half sister after he passes.

[Anonymous]

First of all, let go of the expectation that you will inherit even a penny from your dad. Once you do that, most of your anger will dissipate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:First of all, let go of the expectation that you will inherit even a penny from your dad. Once you do that, most of your anger will dissipate.

Second of all, if he is correct that he will die bankrupt, then consider that he has left you and your brother in a much better position than he has left his younger daughter. You are stable and can earn your way. She cannot, and will not have any more funds to burn through. So you end up the winner.

[Anonymous]

Say "Dad, what you do is up to you. I cannot help you or her financially." Say the same thing every time and he may tire of bringing it up.

The first time he asks you for even a tiny amount of money, say absolutely not. Brick wall of no. He's having a hard time wrapping his head around his own poor choices and will be in denial for a while.

[Anonymous]

Are you more worried about the money or the family relationships?

[Anonymous]

My husband and I both have versions of this dynamic in our family. You are younger than we are. By middle age life has thrown enough crap at us that we have great boundaries and don't make time for BS.

Here is what you do...detach, detach, detach. He made these choices. You make yours. Of course he will try to drag you into the chaos he created by making you responsible for the monster situation he created. You calmly and firmly let him know you will not be your half sister's keeper. If he feels she cannot handle life you can calmly suggest he fund therapy for her, but then let it go if he won't. Not your problem. If he goes bankrupt funding princess then those are natural consequences of his choices. Don't rescue. Protect yourself.

I also would step back some and find your comfort zone. See then less until you find the right amount of time where you can appreciate the interaction and not feel bitter. Spend the extra time you have with people who treat you well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I both have versions of this dynamic in our family. You are younger than we are. By middle age life has thrown enough crap at us that we have great boundaries and don't make time for BS.

Here is what you do...detach, detach, detach. He made these choices. You make yours. Of course he will try to drag you into the chaos he created by making you responsible for the monster situation he created. You calmly and firmly let him know you will not be your half sister's keeper. If he feels she cannot handle life you can calmly suggest he fund therapy for her, but then let it go if he won't. Not your problem. If he goes bankrupt funding princess then those are natural consequences of his choices. Don't rescue. Protect yourself.

I also would step back some and find your comfort zone. See then less until you find the right amount of time where you can appreciate the interaction and not feel bitter. Spend the extra time you have with people who treat you well.

I forgot to also suggest you set a boundary on him complaining about funding your half sister. Tell him that is something for him to discuss with a therapist and you cannot be his sounding board anymore. It is clear he treated you too differently. He made his choice. Not your job to be his support with that.

[Anonymous]

"Dad, you complain about this nonstop and since my brother did not receive a penny since the day we graduated, I'm tired of hearing about it."

If he reacts in any way that's not what you like, continue, "despite times we really could have used some help."

And if he says anything else in his defense, "this makes me very bitter."

Then, as with anyone (parents don't get a pass) if being around them is not pleasant for you, you moderate your visits/times.

[Anonymous]

I ask myself would I trade places with my spoiled step-sib. And the answer is always no. That makes it a little easier.

I also make sure to lock our household's money away in 401ks and 529s and the like, so that it's very hard to give to anyone on my side or DH's.

My dad once tried to introduce the topic in sort of a jokey way. I brought him up short-- Dad. I will not pay for Larlo. If working until you die is better for you than setting boundaries, go for it. But I will not pay. The end.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My parents divorced when I was young and my dad remarried. I have one full sibling from my mom and dad (a brother 2 years younger) and a half sister who is 14 years younger than me. My half sister has always been treated differently from my brother and I who were help to much higher standard when it comes to things like education, work ethic and even manners.

At age 26 my half sister has NEVER had a job of any kind. She did graduate from college (which is the only thing my dad has ever forced her to do). My dad and step mom bankroll her whole life and she spends pretty extravagantly - fancy clothes, 3 meals a day eaten out, gym memberships, traveling regularly. My dad complains about this nonstop but refuses to do anything about it. Meanwhile, my brother and I have not received a penny from him since the day we graduated despite times we really could have used some help - which is the thing that makes me bitter.

What frustrates me most is that my dad has worked incredibly hard his whole life and has been very successful financially, and now all he wants is to retire but says he will have to work for the rest of his life to afford my step mom and half sister’s extravagant lifestyle. Lately he has started joking to my brother and I not to get too excited about his will because my step mom and half sister will probably bankrupt him by that point. He also talks about how my brother and I will need to look out for my half sister when they are gone because she doesn’t know how to do anything for herself.

For years I have just tried to ignore the inequity since I have worked hard to have a nice lift of my own, but the more my dad complains the more it makes me mad that he doesn’t do anything about this situation which is completely of his own design.

Last night we all went out to dinner and when my half sister showed up in a brand new very expensive car I literally lost it. My dad just told me he was going to put his foot down and get her a more reasonable car since he doesn’t want to push her to get a job.

Anyone have advice? How would you feel in a situation like this? It really hard not to get frustrated.

I have no advice except I am in the exact same boat.