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Am I being a bitch?
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Anonymous
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DH works a very physically demanding job outdoors all day 50, sometimes 60 hours a week. Recently, we made the decision to reduce my 40hrs to 20hrs a week so I can attend school and become an RN and signifigantly increase my salary. (I was working as an administrative assistant making around $32k a year) Currently, I work Monday for 10 hours, off Tuesday and Wednesday, work 10 hours Thursday and school for 6 hours on Friday. I take 2 classes on campus and one online class. My days off are spent on homework and a housework as I have time. Some weeks are better than others so some weeks the house is cleaner and more laundry gets done than others.
My question is this: DH thinks since I only work 20hrs now and he works so much that I should be able to handle all domestic responsibilities with occasional help from him since he is tired so much. Plus, he thinks that hanging outback with his buddy on friday night drinking until 3am is also ok because he is "unwinding" from his stressful week(Sure, hang out and have a few beers but he is a dad now, binge drinking until 3am every week is NOT good). We start arguing about what is and isn't fair. My stance is that the 20hrs I don't work each week has been replaced by school work. I explained that I still need him to pick up the slack on the weeks that I have extra homework and can't do it all. That is the point in being a team! He suggested perhaps I am taking too many classes but if I take any less I will be in school forever and the whole point of this was to put our family in a better financial position. He thinks I am angry about him hanging out because I don't go out and do much but I explained that my priority is the kids, the house and school. I go out every few weeks with a girlfriend or to go shopping but the kids are growing fast and I don't want to miss that- it's bad enough they are in daycare all day! Am I being psycho? or am I reasonable? Does your DH partake in bedtime or does he come home from work and disappear outside to work on his truck and other misc. projects while you handle the evening routine? (I will add that he does it twice a week since I work until 6:30) but I come straight home and spend time with them if they are still awake or if they are asleep I still go in and kiss them goodnight. |
Anonymous
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The way I see it you are working 1/3 of what he is so if he has 12 beers, you can have 4. Was that what your question was?
You guys need to relax, he will get his due when you are working the graveyard shift. |
Anonymous
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No...you aren't being a bitch. I think you have a very valid point. School work is hard. You are doing it to better you job opportunities. The fact that you reduced your hours actually at work is inconsequential b/c you presumably replaced those hours with school work.
One thing that might help you guys out is actually allocating housework/child duties among the 2 of you. As in, write it all down in a list. I work long hours myself at times (as does my husband) and I have a LOT more success when I give him a "to do" list and a "due by" date. |
Anonymous
a to do list with due dates? I would miss all the due dates on purpose |
Anonymous
He works 50-60 hours per week and you expect him to come home clean, do laundry, etc. He deserves some time to relax and one night a week with"the boys" is not unreasonable. I wouldn't say that you were a bitch but that you are selfish and self-consumed. Give the man a break. |
Anonymous
That's madness. She works, takes classes, does homework, handles the bulk of the housework and childcare and that's "selfish and self-consumed?" When does she get a break? |
Anonymous
OP, don't listen to the PP who called you selfish and self-consumed...There are some very bitter, nasty people on this site who seem hell-bent on putting down everyone and just being a contrarian for the sake of being one...I think you are doing a lot and while I don't agree with a "Due by" date, something has to change. Everyone deserves to go out but he should want to be with the kids b/c he's been gone all day. My husband works very long hours but he knows he'd be in the doghouse if he disappeared to the garage and left me with the kids all the time. I'm not sure what the answer, but I would say you are FAR from being self-consumed and selfish. Good for you for going back to school! |
Anonymous
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Your kids are in day care the two days that you have no classes and no work? If you are taking 9 credits, then you should be be doing an additional 6-9 hours of school work a week. You have two full workweek days without kids, work or school to do your school work and the housework. So, IMO you should be using at least 1/2 those days to do house related responsibilities (cleaning, laundry, shopping, bill paying, etc).
The fact is, you do have more free time and although school might be intellectually challenging, it doesn't exhaust you physically the way outdoor work (especially in this heat) will. So my opinion is that you should be doing more of the house responsibilities (but not all) and your husband should be entitled to a Friday night of relaxing (maybe not every Friday and maybe not drinking to excess). How old are your kids? |
Anonymous
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OP here- kids are 4 1/2 and 8mo. Yes, I do take 9 credits however my online IT class requires 8-12 hours a week of homework, study, exams and research alone not to mention my psychology class takes up around 6-9 hours a week. I use a majority of my 2 days off on school and a little on housework and after everyone is in bed I am up until nearly 1am doing more homework and cleaning. I take care of daycare d/o daily since he has to be at work so early. I do a majority of the housework but some weeks I don't do as much because my school workload is heavier and that's when I expect a little extra help with the house but I expect help with our kids daily. If I take less than 3 classes I will end up in school for 4 years when I can do this in 2-3 with the support he promised when I started. Or, I can quit and go back to working 40hrs with amediocre life which we both agreed we are tired of. No matter what, it seems like I am just never doing it quite right because he works such a hard job- mental exhaustion makes no sense to him.
Thank you for your adivice |
Anonymous
P.S. Not that it is important, but I still maintain my physical appearance (keeping fit, do my hair, dress nice, ect) and keep him more than satisfied sexually so he stays happy in those departments. 
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Anonymous
is this a joke? |
Anonymous
| I think you are justified in your concerns, but I'm more worried that you two seem to have different ideas of how you should be working as a team. He obviously isn't that concerned with spending every spare moment with the kids. He would rather go out drinking once a week, whether you are busy or not. Even though many people in this area work 50-60 hours a week, most of them are still trying to have good relationships with their kids and trying to pitch in with the house. Once you become an RN, is he going to start cleaning and taking care of the kids? It sounds to me like he expects you to do everything no matter how much you work. |
Anonymous
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OP here- I did not post the comment regarding taking care of myself...
12:59- That's how I feel, even when I was pregnant and working full time, on maternity leave, working full time after DD2, and now...that's why I am reaching out. *sigh* I have been clear in the fact that I want more from him but I guess it's time to really get serious. This happens every few months then I get really upset and he steps up then starts to slack off a couple days later. This time, I will just have to be stronger when he starts to slack. |
Anonymous
| I think your husband is right. Undergrad courses plus working part time and having the kids in full time daycare leave enough time. Give your husband a break for goodness sakes - he is doing physical work outside in the heat and humidity of course he is exhausted. You are sitting around an air conditioned room reading/typing/etc. |
Anonymous
| Take his schedule and yours assign him tasks around the house and with the kids, but you are going to have to do more tasks because you have more time and are not outside all day. It doesn't mean you do everything and he takes care of his job and himself. Honestly, if you can AT ALL afford it, get someone to clean your house once a month. You have no idea how much this will improve your marraige. You will still need to clean, obviously, but once a month someone comes in a gives everything a good scrub down. I also got a neighborhood kid cutting our grass for $15 when my husband doesn't get to it. You also need time to yourself. Make sure you get some time alone every few weeks. |