21 month age gap

[Anonymous]

Would you do it? I'm an older FTM but not sure if it's best to wait a little longer to have a second child. If we start trying now the smallest gap will be 21 months, which would be great in the long term but I'm not sure how much harder it would be in the short term.

[Anonymous]

I have 23 months between kids and DH was deployed when my youngest was 5 weeks old. I will say the first 6-12 months were rough when I was really struggling to get enough sleep. They’re now 1.5 and 3.5 and I love it. You can’t predict how long it’ll take to get pregnant, so I stay start trying now and see how it goes.

[Anonymous]

My youngest two are 23 months apart. There is a six year gap between my first and second kids. It was A LOT harder in the short term. It’s been awhile so I don’t remember how long but I think the first 6 months to one year were very hard, at least compared to the six year gap (wasn’t the plan but took that long do two secondary infertility and many miscarriages). That said, given, that you mentioned you are older, I probably would not wait.

[Anonymous]

Not sure how you define older, but I would not wait. Might take a year to get pregnant again. My sister and I are 11.5 months apart, My mom would say 21 months is a long time.

[Anonymous]

FWIW at least 24 months is considered better for both children.

[Anonymous]

Mine are 21 months apart (now teenagers). The early years were hard but it’s great now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:FWIW at least 24 months is considered better for both children.

By whom? I thought the 24+ month recommendations was for the mother’s body to recover. My sister and I are 18 months apart and it’s wonderful FWIW. My mom is a twin and also has a wonderful relationship with her sister.

[Anonymous]

Pregnant with my second and gap will be 20 months. TBD how it turns out but you never know how long it will take, especially if you are older.

[Anonymous]

My first two are 19 months apart. It worked out great. Had the 3rd three years after the 2nd.

[Anonymous]

Mine are 19 months and it’s great! Yes, hard the first few years but I don’t think that a few months difference would change that (maybe a few years).

[Anonymous]

Depends on how old is older. If you're 40 or older, okay start trying now. Otherwise give your body the recommended rest of 18 months and don't start trying until then. Pregnancy is so hard on body - you want to start from a place of well being.

[Anonymous]

My kids are 20 months apart. As others have said, the first 6 months or so are exhausting but so cute. I honestly loved having two babies!

If it does turn out you have two under two, don’t be too ambitious. Plan to hunker down for a little bit. It got so much easier at 6 months and got really awesome at about 1.5 years. Now they are 8 and 9.5 and it’s truly the best.

[Anonymous]

I have 4 kids.
Older two are 21 months apart.
Then a 2.5 year break
Then #3 and #4 are 22 months apart.

I think it was great! I really preferred the 21-22 age difference over the 2.5 year age difference.

[Anonymous]

I'd just wait a few months. But I'd also say it depends how old you are and how long it took for your first.

Mine are 26 months apart and that DEFINITELY felt too close for the first 1-2 years. But once my oldest was 4.5 or so, it got better quickly. Now I love that they are close in age. I still advise people to go with more than 2 years because of how hard those early years were though.

[Anonymous]

I don't know what I'd advise you. In fact, if I could go back and do it again, I don't know what I'd do. But here's at least one data point.

My two are 19 months apart, born when I was 35 and 37. They're 3 and 1.5 now.

The second pregnancy and baby were so, so hard on me. I really thought I was "back" - I was at my pre-pregnancy weight, no lingering issues, feeling good. I've always been a healthy weight and overall in good health, and I've always had active hobbies and got plenty of exercise. But there is a reason that doctors advise 18 months between pregnancies. It became clear in hindsight that my body was NOT ready. The first trimester exhaustion hit me like a ton of bricks. I was barely functioning. I recovered by the fourth month, but (again in hindsight, it was not apparent to me at all at the time) my mental health started to flounder a bit. Trouble focusing, things like that. My ninth month I had bad hip pain that no one could fix and could barely walk.

Delivery was easy, but I immediately slipped into bad PPD that would last 16 months. I was barely functional, crying 5-10 times a day, every day. I got no joy out of my baby or my toddler. Everything was difficult. Even basic things felt impossible. I ate like crap because it was my only solace. The idea of exercise was a joke. I was in terrible mental and physical health, and then my back went out about one year postpartum, leaving me basically bedridden for about 12 weeks. I couldn't hold either of my kids. I couldn't sit up or even be propped up, only lay down completely flat. Standing and walking was painful. I did manage to continue working from my with my laptop propped up. It took months of intense PT (3x per week) to get back to functional, and (interestingly) once my back healed, my PPD lifted, too, quite suddenly.

Now, things are great. The kids are amazing. They're best friends. Having kids close in age is actually awesome because they like the same things. I'm healed and am back to myself. In fact, we're even thinking about a third. There are actually a TON of advantages to having them close in age. But the biggest thing for us was that we always wanted a big family (we were planning on four, that went out the window with the PPD) and we knew with my age, waiting was risky. It had also taken a while to get pregnant with #1, so we were worried about that (though it turns out I got pregnant super quickly with #2).

Faced with the choice of risking my health vs. risking ending up with an only child because we waited too long is a tough, tough call. My big pieces of advice - 1) make sure you've got yourself an equal partner spouse. My husband did so much childcare in the first 16 months, and while my back was out, he was basically in charge of 2 under 2, solo, for months. If your husband can't/isn't willing to take over when things get rough, you're in a much riskier place 2) prioritize your health. If you're exhausted, sleep. Even if other things get dropped. Make sure you're exercising, especially that you're strengthening your core, both before, during, and after your second pregnancies. My PT recommends pilates. It may seem like childcare or household tasks are more important than your rest or exercise, but I'm telling you, they're not. If mom's body is non-functional, the whole family falls apart. 3) Outsource as much, or more, than you can afford. And consider formula or combo feeding.