Getting parents to take health concerns seriously

[Anonymous]

I am very concerned about my parents not taking some health and safety concerns seriously. My dad is 79 and has some balance issues that have gotten worse recently. We have been visiting them for a long weekend and he has fallen twice - once while getting out of the shower, and one on the stairs to their basement which are steep.

They claim this has never happened before, but regardless, I am sure it will happen again. What I am most worried about is that my mom - who is 73 and a nurse - still works full time so my dad is alone for very long stretches (she works 12 hour shifts). He is still very active otherwise (goes to lectures, visits friends, cooks, runs errands) but I am really worried he will fall and not be able to get up or call for help. At the very minimum I told my mom he needs one of those panic button things that calls for help, but he laughed at that and said I am being dramatic.

How do I have a productive conversation about making sure they have a plan should my dad fall when he is alone? My mom also has plans to travel for 2 weeks this summer with her best friend and that really worries me as well.

Beyond that - they need to think about downsizing, need to install safety rails, etc but they don’t want to discuss any of that. I live a plane ride away so I will not be helpful in an emergency. My parents won’t even entertain a conversation.

[Anonymous]

Just buy them the panic button device; tell them it’s just in case and you got one for yourself and it’s so great for the peace of mind.
Call dad daily when mom is away.
I honestly don’t think much more can be done now.

[Anonymous]

You can't parent your parents. My mother really really really needs to stop driving at 79, but she refuses. She's had a number of close calls, including driving through a fence (mistook the gas for the brake) and sideswiping a car while merging because "he came out of nowhere!"

I finally got her to try Uber and she now uses it for long drives and anytime she plans to drink. But she still drives to the mall, the pharmacy, the bank because "they're right there. It would be silly to get an Uber just to go five minutes."

It's a matter of time. The next close call or accident will be the opening to discuss selling the car. You have to wait till there is a "moment" that makes the conversation relevant and real to them. Then you can only say your peace. They're adults.

[Anonymous]

Honestly — call their doctor and report what’s happening. And don’t take “you’re being dramatic” for an answer - keep pushing.

[Anonymous]

Where do they live? Most states have rules on seniors driving.

[Anonymous]

You don’t solve this. It is what it is.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just buy them the panic button device; tell them it’s just in case and you got one for yourself and it’s so great for the peace of mind.
Call dad daily when mom is away.
I honestly don’t think much more can be done now.

We have experience with this. OP do you live in the area? They need a list of names they go through to call before they send someone to your home. It can become a burden on neighbors as falls increase and frankly it drove me nuts. They do a test run without warning you and I panicked at the call. Find out how they enter the house if the backup people aren't available.

There are PTs who teach balance and fall prevention exercises, but you can't force him to do it. All you can do is share you concerns, share some resources and explain your boundaries. I know many people who's parents went into denial, only to spend many hours on the ground after a fall. One friend's dad died falling down the steps and they had already made peace with the fact that was likely and they could not fight him for another second. If the person is cognitively OK then he/she gets to make their own dangerous choices as long as there is no obvious potential to injure someone else like with driving. If an emergency happens and you aren't available then so be it. Just periodically present your case gently, but firmly.

[Anonymous]

Apple Watch with cellular service.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am very concerned about my parents not taking some health and safety concerns seriously. My dad is 79 and has some balance issues that have gotten worse recently. We have been visiting them for a long weekend and he has fallen twice - once while getting out of the shower, and one on the stairs to their basement which are steep.

They claim this has never happened before, but regardless, I am sure it will happen again. What I am most worried about is that my mom - who is 73 and a nurse - still works full time so my dad is alone for very long stretches (she works 12 hour shifts). He is still very active otherwise (goes to lectures, visits friends, cooks, runs errands) but I am really worried he will fall and not be able to get up or call for help. At the very minimum I told my mom he needs one of those panic button things that calls for help, but he laughed at that and said I am being dramatic.

How do I have a productive conversation about making sure they have a plan should my dad fall when he is alone? My mom also has plans to travel for 2 weeks this summer with her best friend and that really worries me as well.

Beyond that - they need to think about downsizing, need to install safety rails, etc but they don’t want to discuss any of that. I live a plane ride away so I will not be helpful in an emergency. My parents won’t even entertain a conversation.

I could have written this a few months ago. But then the sh!t hit the fan and now they are scrambling and suddenly more open to my help and advice. I think that is generally how these things go. It stinks, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't parent your parents. My mother really really really needs to stop driving at 79, but she refuses. She's had a number of close calls, including driving through a fence (mistook the gas for the brake) and sideswiping a car while merging because "he came out of nowhere!"

I finally got her to try Uber and she now uses it for long drives and anytime she plans to drink. But she still drives to the mall, the pharmacy, the bank because "they're right there. It would be silly to get an Uber just to go five minutes."

It's a matter of time. The next close call or accident will be the opening to discuss selling the car. You have to wait till there is a "moment" that makes the conversation relevant and real to them. Then you can only say your peace. They're adults.

PP. I agree with the "they're adults" except when it comes to driving. If your mom kills someone and you did nothing to try to stop her from driving, you are morally complicit.

I suggest you contact her state's DMV and find oud how you can report an unsafe elderly driver. And tell your mom if she kills someone even if she doesn't go to jail she will get sued and possibly lose her house and retirement fund. That was what finally got my mom's attention when she was letting my dad with Alzheimer's drive. I was disgusted that it took the possibility of a financial loss to get her to care that he might kill someone, but it worked. (I had started filling out the forms to report him to the DMV but that was not going to be a quick fix).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Apple Watch with cellular service.

This is what we did. It's not perfect, but it was a cost-effective way to go.