Is it normal to feel deep hatred toward a sibling for being a leech of your parents?

[Anonymous]

Thanks to my sibling & the kid she popped out at 20, my parents will likely never be empty nesters. She is 100% financially dependent on them & extended family members. It boils my blood. My parents could be traveling & retiring, but she is draining them in an aggressive fashion.

[Anonymous]

This thread comes up every few days. Commons responses you’ll see from DCUM are:

1. It’s their money, they can spend it how they please.
2. MYOB
3. Your parents may be happy in this role.
4. Don’t be jealous of your sister, deep down she’s miserable with her situation and be glad you’re not her.
5.Troll

[Anonymous]

It took me a long while to get straight with it in my situation. What finally made it easier was realizing that my mom was enabling the whole thing so she won't feel lonely AND that I am going to be OK letting the people living in the house deal with them aging. I will be a good daughter from afar, but they all traded something for something else. I feel for the kids too and I make efforts to know them individually and to maintain the relationship with everyone because that is good for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This thread comes up every few days. Commons responses you’ll see from DCUM are:

1. It’s their money, they can spend it how they please.
2. MYOB
3. Your parents may be happy in this role.
4. Don’t be jealous of your sister, deep down she’s miserable with her situation and be glad you’re not her.
5.Troll

And
6. Sister is mentally ill & would be living on the streets if not for her parents letting her live at home

[Anonymous]

I've personally observed that mental illness is the driving factor. Of all the young adults and adults I know who are or were dependent on their families, mental disorders were present in 100% of the cases.

I suggest you stop making yourself miserable by hating your sibling. She is who she is. You cannot change her. Your parents have free will. They probably don't want to be in this caregiving role at their age, but they're not going to abandon her and her child. It's sad all around, and you don't need an extra dose of hate to make the situation even more unbearable!

[Anonymous]

Yes it’s normal.
Giving yourself permission to not care for them in their old age should help a little.
Also I am sure they are getting something out of it as well.

[Anonymous]

I was in a very similar family situation. I was in college, taking student loans & trying to make rent while my mom would bring home piles of brand new stuff for my then-little nephew a week: stuff straight from the local Carter’s store, more piles of new clothes from Old Navy, toys, food, reusable water bottles, books etc. She spent like crazy on this child. My younger sibling was in middle school at the time.

My mom openly admitted to me that she wasn’t sure when & if she’d ever have another grandchild, so might as well go all out on this one.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know why you’re getting so mad about choices other adults are making.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why you’re getting so mad about choices other adults are making.

OP here my parents are relatively high income but have significant CC debt & spend money like crazy. I am worried I’ll be left taking cover of them someday.

[Anonymous]

Wait until you're trying to arrange to move your parent/s into senior living, except you have to also figure out where / how sibling will live 😡

[Anonymous]

Your hatred to your sibling will probably extend to her kid as the behavior continues. Do you have kids? I hope it doesn’t become a contest over which grandkid gets more from your parents. Second generation effects of your sisters behavior. I’d be disgusted but relieved the sister can devote her life to bathing and toileting your parents in their old age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why you’re getting so mad about choices other adults are making.

OP here my parents are relatively high income but have significant CC debt & spend money like crazy. I am worried I’ll be left taking cover of them someday.

You really have no reason to think they wouldn’t spend all their money even if she didn’t live with them then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I was in a very similar family situation. I was in college, taking student loans & trying to make rent while my mom would bring home piles of brand new stuff for my then-little nephew a week: stuff straight from the local Carter’s store, more piles of new clothes from Old Navy, toys, food, reusable water bottles, books etc. She spent like crazy on this child. My younger sibling was in middle school at the time.

My mom openly admitted to me that she wasn’t sure when & if she’d ever have another grandchild, so might as well go all out on this one.

1. Those costs are nothing next to college costs. You were an adult and presumably functional enough. It often happens that parents let the more capable child fend a little more for themselves while they deal with the one with more needs. My neighbor and I, both with one autistic kid and one neurotypical kid, have to do this. We only have two arms and so much bandwidth.

2. Excuse me, do you mean to say that your sibling who had a child was in middle school at the time?!? Who do you think was going to provide the baby stuff?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don’t know why you’re getting so mad about choices other adults are making.

OP here my parents are relatively high income but have significant CC debt & spend money like crazy. I am worried I’ll be left taking cover of them someday.

So... they'd be spending their money on stupid stuff anyway, even if they weren't caring for their child and grandchild.

You are perhaps displacing your anger, OP. Maybe you suspect that your parents would never have been financially responsible, but since your sister is there and a recipient of their largesse, while you are not, she's a very easy and obvious target.

You might need a little more introspection, because you're hurting no one else except yourself with this irrational hate.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wait until you're trying to arrange to move your parent/s into senior living, except you have to also figure out where / how sibling will live 😡

I would be fuming. Good luck.