Searching for purpose--is it a midlife crisis?

[Anonymous]

I feel like I have been searching for purpose a lot lately and feeling dissatisfied with several areas of my life. I am a married mom in my mid 40s, and maybe I am having a midlife crisis. I've been married 20 years, and my marriage is okay but not great. My spouse is hardworking, helpful around the house, and a great dad, but we don't seem to have much in common anymore or that much to talk about and there is very little affection between us.

We have one tween son (couldn't have more due to infertility) who prefers to do his own thing or hang out with dad and mainly ignores me, so that is definitely hurtful. I try to come up with fun things for us to do together based on his interests but he is never interested and is happiest playing video games or watching TV. I miss when he was little and wanted me around and wanted to do things together. I am very disappointed with the other relationships in my life including my parents, extended family and friends, and I think this is a big part of where my overall life dissatisfaction comes from--I do not have warm, supportive, loving family and friend relationships unfortunately. I have tried to make mom friends, join mom groups, volunteer at my son's school but I never really was able to make great friendships or build a community for us.

I work full-time and my job is awesome, I love every minute of it but I work longer hours than I need to because it's one of the few things that brings me so much happiness and where I feel appreciated and valued. I also have an interesting hobby that I spend a lot of time on that brings me a lot of meaning and joy. I have pets as well. I also have other hobbies and interests, and I volunteer a lot in the community.

I feel chronically lonely and wish I had more friends (and have tried to make more friends but everyone is too busy to meet up most of the time). The few friends I do have only want to meet up 2-3 times a year which is not enough for me, so I end up feeling really dissatisfied with those relationships. We have no local family and our family relationships are polite but distant.

I find myself searching for purpose a lot and wondering why I feel dissatisfied so much.

[Anonymous]

I don't know if it's a crisis exactly. But mid-40s is a pretty normal time to be thinking about the broad scope of your life. You're too old for the world to hold endless possibilities and maybe too young to just be content with the status quo.

Do keep in mind that the 40s are typically the "happiness trough." Sort of the bottom of the average person's feeling of happiness. Most people feel better about their lives in their 50s than they did in their 40s.

[Anonymous]

Change out a few details and I could have written this. I don't know the answer. Starting to wonder if it's just the age. But can't help but compare myself to people who seem to have either real/meaningful connections to family and friends, or who are doing work of some kind that seems to bring them real meaning.

Regarding social ties, I have lately been feeling like there is honestly something wrong with me because I just do not have close friends and am not close with my family. I have friends, they just don't feel close and I don't feel connected to people.

I am closer with my spouse and child but I think that's because my child is younger than yours and still needs me a lot, and I haven't been married as long. I am scared of my child growing up and pushing me away and I won't have anything to turn to. I also worry about DH getting tired of me because he doesn't seem to struggle with these issues at all.

[Anonymous]

Not necessarily a midlife crisis. You're just in that settled phase, where you have food, shelter, and the means for continuing to have both. You've done the marriage and kids part. So what's next? Is this really it, till retirement? That can't be, right?

Right. Exactly. If you're seeking purpose, you might just need something that helps you feel fulfilled, lets you feel you're continuing to grow and learn and achieve.

I'm 46 and while your family situation and mine are different, I felt that way for a few years. I hopped from hobby to hobby, activity to activity. None held my attention for longer than a few years, even international travel and all the fun that comes with nabbing sweet flight deals. I finally connected with the exact right dog rescue and now I have something that's extremely satisfying, very gratifying, and takes up good chunks of my time.

You have time on your hands. You're seeking purpose. You have so many possibilities - ever want to do an Ironman? Maybe it's cleaning up the Bay (or the Anacostia?). There are so many things you can do, so many purposes you could have.

[Anonymous]

I'm kinda with PP.

I'm 50 and married with 2 tweens. Married 15 years and I'm probably not as happy as you are on the career front with my job.

I'm always busy and stressed - between work and kids - it's hard. I've lost a lot of my friendships. I'm not from DC and most of my old friends are back home. I hate DMV but it's impossible to leave given our roots here with work and our kids' lives.

I went through what you did maybe in my 40s and it's not like it's better now but I do think that happiness is a bit over rated. I think if you married a good man who you can rely on, I just don't know that we got the life of the movies. I'm sure some people do but I did not win that jackpot. Short of that, I count my blessings still.

No answers from me but acceptance I've discovered in my "old" age goes a long ways. Acceptance of what you have and don't have. Short of completing changing up your life, I'm not sure there's anything to be done. Find ways to break out of the meh of mundane days. I watch a lot of movies/binge on cable. Eat a lot of popcorn and junk food some weekends. Take really nice baths and do self care. You can volunteer or read or find a hobby and learn something new. I don't know that we can find a "purpose" mid-age with kids because well, that means financial sacrifices, relocating, etc. So accept that this is your life and find other small ways of happiness. It really is about just moments and know you're not the only one.

[Anonymous]

I am 48 and can relate to a lot of what you are saying. I try to be a good friend and reach out but get tired of being the one who always initiates texts and outings (we're not talking often, like maybe every 2-3 months max?). I am not giving up on my old friends, but I am taking a break from being the initiator and focusing more on newer friends who seem to want to spend time with me.

I also volunteer every week and while I haven't made close friends there, I always have a nice chat with at least one person during my shifts, which satisfies some of that need for social connection.

[Anonymous]

Yes, it's a "mid life crisis".

Your child and H are not supposed to be your everything. It is your job to search for purpose and human connection outside of your immediate family.

[Anonymous]

I feel the same way, I'm early 50's. I realized that the reason people are always looking for friends is that at some point you realize your connections are only good to a point. With aging parents, children getting more independent, marital relationships growing stale, extended family members doing their own thing or growing apart, friends being busy or limited in what they can offer, it gets a little disappointing. You've done most of what there is to do by now. Hopefully there is more left to experience than hair dyes and wrinkle creams. With what time we do have left, we want to use it wisely and figure out our remaining priorities, a higher purpose, a passion, a lasting legacy, a once in a lifetime trip, a deeper connection, something to spark some creativity, or something to make life more exciting again. There are no milestones anymore like graduating, getting married, or having kids. We have to figure out what comes next. I think it's also harder for women. Men seem to get more distinguished with age, whereas women seem less valued by society as looks and hormones fade and that can be hard to deal with.

[Anonymous]

Do you have the urge to purchase an expensive sports car or hire a young escort for a wild night?