How would you interpret this text/google stalking

[Anonymous]

I have a long-standing issue with my parents fully supporting my brother (40s, two masters degrees, never worked, lives in a nice place by himself). After I recently expressed concern about my parents' (and brother's) financial plan (with underlying resentment that is never going to resolve from me), my mom hung up on me, sent me a diatribe about how I feel entitled to their money. She then apparently spend the night googling my FIL, who has been pretty successful, and sent a late-night text to my spouse about a charitable donation my FIL made when his wife died five years ago. The text was something along the lines of "how nice that your dad donated to xyz." My mother takes a lot of prescription meds at night and is often pretty messed up.

The only reasonable assumption here is that she is doing a deep search on my FIL to justify to herself that they have given probably close to $1m to my brother to date, with no end in sight, right? My parents are trying to say this was just idle curiosity and had nothing to do with the conversation/fight I'd had with my mom that day. FWIW, we receive no financial assistance from either side of the family.

[Anonymous]

Drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Or to be more clear, I would waste no energy on any of this. She can google and text and you can ignore. She isn't going to stop providing and your brother will not stop taking. You being mad about it changes nothing. Control what you can control which is you and your reaction to all of this. Drop the rope.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a long-standing issue with my parents fully supporting my brother (40s, two masters degrees, never worked, lives in a nice place by himself). After I recently expressed concern about my parents' (and brother's) financial plan (with underlying resentment that is never going to resolve from me), my mom hung up on me, sent me a diatribe about how I feel entitled to their money. She then apparently spend the night googling my FIL, who has been pretty successful, and sent a late-night text to my spouse about a charitable donation my FIL made when his wife died five years ago. The text was something along the lines of "how nice that your dad donated to xyz." My mother takes a lot of prescription meds at night and is often pretty messed up.

The only reasonable assumption here is that she is doing a deep search on my FIL to justify to herself that they have given probably close to $1m to my brother to date, with no end in sight, right? My parents are trying to say this was just idle curiosity and had nothing to do with the conversation/fight I'd had with my mom that day. FWIW, we receive no financial assistance from either side of the family.

OP: You need to move on with your life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a long-standing issue with my parents fully supporting my brother (40s, two masters degrees, never worked, lives in a nice place by himself). After I recently expressed concern about my parents' (and brother's) financial plan (with underlying resentment that is never going to resolve from me), my mom hung up on me, sent me a diatribe about how I feel entitled to their money. She then apparently spend the night googling my FIL, who has been pretty successful, and sent a late-night text to my spouse about a charitable donation my FIL made when his wife died five years ago. The text was something along the lines of "how nice that your dad donated to xyz." My mother takes a lot of prescription meds at night and is often pretty messed up.

The only reasonable assumption here is that she is doing a deep search on my FIL to justify to herself that they have given probably close to $1m to my brother to date, with no end in sight, right? My parents are trying to say this was just idle curiosity and had nothing to do with the conversation/fight I'd had with my mom that day. FWIW, we receive no financial assistance from either side of the family.

Yes, you are correct. Your parents are obviously trying to deflect, but yes, you are right.

Sorry you are going through this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Drop the rope.

I'm seriously wondering how this phrase applies in this situation?

Unless you are using it to mean that OP should stop worrying about, and certainly stop talking about, how her parents spend their money.

[Anonymous]

In what world do you live where you thought telling your parents how to spend their money was a good idea?

[Anonymous]

This is what I'd do:

-Call her out on the cyberstalking. Say it's weird and has nothing to do with her decisions on her money.
-And, while we are talking about your money, mom, you're right I have no entitlement to it. You are free to do with it as you please.
-I'd ice her out. Respond shortly and civilly to her. I wouldn't be visiting, etc. And while, yes, it is partially in response to the money it is more in response to the a) blatant favoritism, which would be hurtful, and b) the nasty attitude dished out to me. I don't let people treat me that way, including my parents.
-when she asks why I cooled things down, I'd tell her.
And remind her to have a good plan for her golden years that relies on brother.

And to be clear, I would feel not a moment's guilt over the above. She's told you who she is and what she things of you/your family. Believe her. And act accordingly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:In what world do you live where you thought telling your parents how to spend their money was a good idea?

+1.

Sorry OP, ESH.

Your parents are free to choose your lay-about brother if they want to. Their money, their choice. Not sure why you felt the need to direct them in their spending.

You should feel absolutely zero obligation to support them financially or emotionally in the future.

[Anonymous]

It's her money, you have zero say in how she spends it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is what I'd do:

-Call her out on the cyberstalking. Say it's weird and has nothing to do with her decisions on her money.
-And, while we are talking about your money, mom, you're right I have no entitlement to it. You are free to do with it as you please.
-I'd ice her out. Respond shortly and civilly to her. I wouldn't be visiting, etc. And while, yes, it is partially in response to the money it is more in response to the a) blatant favoritism, which would be hurtful, and b) the nasty attitude dished out to me. I don't let people treat me that way, including my parents.
-when she asks why I cooled things down, I'd tell her.
And remind her to have a good plan for her golden years that relies on brother.

And to be clear, I would feel not a moment's guilt over the above. She's told you who she is and what she things of you/your family. Believe her. And act accordingly.

I'd do the first 2 of these things. And then I would apologize for my own overreaching – their money is their business and how they spend it is up to them. I'd admit some vulnerability "you know this is something that has bothered me" and pledge to refrain from discussing it again "so I'm not going to bring this up anymore and I would appreciate if you didn't either. I don't want to know anything about your financial arrangements or support of Brother." Then end the discussion. Hold up your end and if/when she doesn't hold up hers, remind her that you really do not want to know. It's not your business. Lather, rinse, repeat.

Since you neither receive nor expect any support from them, you can just get on with your life. I'd absolutely be resentful and annoyed/angry about the ridiculous outlay for layabout brother, don't get me wrong. And the google stalking is obnoxious and she's obviously deflecting. But I agree with the Drop the Rope folks. Just opt out of all future discussions about money. If she keeps bringing it up, that's when I would cut back communication and go the ice out route. No guilt. Nada.

[Anonymous]

"gosh, MILarla, this is a strange text to receive in general- but especially at that time of night. Are you ok?"

Nothing more needs to be said. She's a kook. Dump them if possible. If they aren't even giving you comparable money for the hassle of being related to them, you can cut them off and not waste further time, because time is money and it's the only currency they will understand.

[Anonymous]

Your mom is a pillhead. You can’t expect reason from someone like that and even attempting to grasp what caused her to be googling your FIL is debasing—to you. That’s how you should interpret it.

[Anonymous]

Hopefully now you see that the long-standing issue you have is absolutely not going to be resolved in any way that satisfies you. Back out and wipe your hands. Their conjoined finances are not your business now or ever. They owe you nothing and in the same way you owe them nothing. They can continue to take care of each other. As humans it's difficult to not to let jealousy weigh in but count your lucky stars you managed to be the sibling who matured into a functional adult. You are never, ever going to be able to reason with them so save yourself the mental anguish and stop trying. Focus on yourselves and making a good life.

But I do love the idea of your spouse replying and asking if she's okay based on the strange content and timing of her text.

[Anonymous]

Is she bipolar?