Any tips on how to get DH to help with DD

[Anonymous]

DH gets up- goes to work- comes home and basically goes to bed. He may or may not do one feeding at some point in the night, very begrudgingly. I am at home all day with DD who is 6 weeks old. We had family help for a while but now its basically just me. I am getting about 3 hours sleep at night and as a result my milk supply is rapidly diminishing. I completely understand that DH is bringing home the bacon at the moment and needs his sleep too. But I am close to losing it with him when he hesitates to do even ONE feeding. Any advice on how I can broach this with him without verbally attacking him? Any advice on how I can keep my sanity?

[Anonymous]

my dh would get up with dd when she awoke after 4am and would keep her until he left for work

[Anonymous]

I think you need to schedule something and maybe you can sneak away and sleep at your friends house. It seems I don't get him to help with my DD unless I schedule something where I need to be somewhere. He appears to be accomodating. I complained to him once saying that I think he is doing me a favor by watching the kids but that is not the way it should be. I think that made some impact as always work in progress. For my bday last year I said I wanted a day to myself.

[Anonymous]

I think you have to tell him honestly how you feel. Don't know about your husband or child but what worked for us at that age was I would go to bed right after dinner (around 8pm). My husband would do the midnight feeding and luckily for me the baby would then sleep until 3 or 4 am when I'd be back on duty again. That would give me a nice 7 hours of sleep and the rest of the day went much smoother. See if you can get him to do the late evening feeding and force yourself to go to bed. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Keep in mind that your baby is only 6 weeks old, and that DH may feel uncomfortable because of her tiny size. I agree with the other posters that you need to talk with him openly about how frustrated you are, and that while you understand that he is working full time, that you are also working full time and need a break, too.

My friend would hand over the baby to her husband shortly after he arrived home and would sleep until about midnight, when it was time for the midnight feeding.

When he takes on more responsibility, he'll get more comfortable with her and will have a chance to bond with her.

[Anonymous]

I second the early sleep schedule for you. It sucks in that you basically won't see your husband for a while, but it doesn't last long. What we did was that we'd eat a quick dinner when he got home around 6:30 or 7:00 and then I went to bed around 8:00. He'd take her through her 11:00 feeding and then I'd get to sleep until around 1:00 a.m. or so. That big chunk of sleep in the beginning of the night got me through, and before you know it you'll be getting a full night's sleep again.

[Anonymous]

For the men, most of them seem bored with the babies at this age. I know mine was with both of ours. He didn't get into until they were about 4 months old. It's incredibly frustrating when you are doing 100% of the work and they are not willing to help. I found I was jealous that he had time to take a shower, get dressed in nice clothes and leave the house with only himself to worry about all day. I would go to the grocery store with my newborn and consider it a lifetime achievement! He'd look at me like I had 3 heads when I'd tell him how hard it was. But then his day came - watching the baby alone for an hour. I still laugh thinking of the drama it entailed having to listen to him rave about what a fabulous job he did for just that one hour!

[Anonymous]

The first several weeks after a newborn are tough especially as a new mom and dad.

How is your DH on the weekend when he isn't at his 9-5 job, but working with his new boss - even if she is just 6 weeks old? Does he interact and help out then?

Definitely start talking. Find out what he expects, fears, and needs and then discuss your routine, exhaustion, and frustration.

The baby will only grow up and become more "work". At 6 weeks she can just sit in her car seat and be content. In a few months she'll start rolling, crawling, exploring, eating, changing nap schedules, etc. and will require more attention and interaction/play time making the stay-at-home parent's job busier. So nip in the bud now.

My DH was similar to yours. As if his "job" was more important and more demanding than mine (I'm a SAHM). I had no outside help from family and we couldn't afford nor trust an occassional baby sitter. I was a zombie for about 4 months since I was sleep deprived and mentally tired from the challenge of being a new mom and those dang hormones.

The changing moment for DH was when he saw our DD reach one her milestones - she reached out to him and grabbed his finger one afternoon. I think his heart melted seeing that little hand squeeze his finger.

It took a little time, but DH did finally come around. Hopefully, things will look better for you too soon

[Anonymous]

My DH did this too....UNTIL i laid down the law...and we agreed to a schedule. Anything after 3 am he did, until he left for work, no earlier than 7 am -- I pumped enough to always have 2 bottles in the fridge and eventually this worked. -- So if my husband was tired after work (which i understand) - he could come home, eat and get to bed by 9 pm so he had 6 solid hours in case of a 3 am cry...it worked.

There were a few nites when it was like 3:15 and i think he pretended he didn't hear but once we got in a routine I found it worked ok. DD is 21 months now and he does A LOT....once he bonded with her, it really helped...but it took him time. Don't give up on him....and PRAISE HIM, like a training a pet And once your little girl can look up and him and smile with that toothless grin and be happy daddy is holding her, he will need you to thank you....(i know no one thanks you right now...) but this will pay off. I think men can feel very detached.

[Anonymous]

This makes me so upset. Since when do moms get to choose which stages they will be involved? Why is it "ok" that dads get away with the whole "I'm not into babies" sentiment? It's just crazy. You are post partum - YOU are hormonal and just went through a literal body changing event. YOU are the one who needs sleep. YOU need rest. Can you imagine what we would say to a mom who refused to get up with the baby, feed it, change its diapers, etc? Please show him this thread. Show him that he needs to get over himself and raise his child. I don't care if the baby is little or crying. It's his job as a Daddy to take care of her! And it's also his responsibillity as a husband to take care of the woman who just bore his child! He is being selfish lazy and immature. You deserve sleep and help!

[Anonymous]

I can relate! I took five months of maternity leave (most of it unpaid) to take care of DS. I thought I was losing my mind sometimes, with the constant feedings and lack of sleep. some days, no shower. some days, DS would not stop screaming unless I held him... ALL DAY! needless to say, I was exhausted by the time DH came back home from work. it used to kill me to see him stroll in, eat, plop down on the couch and watch TV, while I ran around and did chores while the baby was sleeping or took care of the baby. by the 4th week or so, I had a meltdown and told him how miserable I was that he wasn't helping out. I mean, honestly, he hadn't even changed ONE diaper. then, he'd want me to take care of things having to do with the house, like arrange for a contractor to come in and fix some stuff around the apartment. he'd say, "you're home all day. why can't you do it?" he clearly didn't get it.

I know part of that is my fault for not speaking up sooner. but, once I told him how I was feeling, he got a lot better. he started changing diapers and helping with feedings (formula fed).

PP is right -- it's hard for a man to get into a newborn sometimes. they have no personality. they're just these demanding blobs. at about 4 months, when DS started really smiling, laughing and reacting to us, DH is so into DS. it's a total transformation. I hear that's pretty typical.

have a serious talk with your DH and hang in there!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This makes me so upset. Since when do moms get to choose which stages they will be involved? Why is it "ok" that dads get away with the whole "I'm not into babies" sentiment? It's just crazy. You are post partum - YOU are hormonal and just went through a literal body changing event. YOU are the one who needs sleep. YOU need rest. Can you imagine what we would say to a mom who refused to get up with the baby, feed it, change its diapers, etc? Please show him this thread. Show him that he needs to get over himself and raise his child. I don't care if the baby is little or crying. It's his job as a Daddy to take care of her! And it's also his responsibillity as a husband to take care of the woman who just bore his child! He is being selfish lazy and immature. You deserve sleep and help!

I totally agree, our society is so progressive in many ways, but when it comes to babies some men are still so stone age. Women constantly have to be the martyrs while the men sit back and scratch their balls in front of ESPN. This kind of behavior would not fly in my house. If the OP acted like her DH, then the baby would be starving, sitting in their own filth and dying. He does sound like a total caveman and sadly so so a lot of other men that I hear my mom friends complain about. This is a common place problem and we can only blame ourselves for not holding their feet to the fire and demanding some help and respect.

[Anonymous]

Don't refer to it as "helping"! Your child is not your sole responsibility; it's not as though he's doing *you* a favor by taking care of his own child.

That said, you may be COO of this little enterprise, so tell him what needs to be done: "I've just fed her, so I'm going to get some sleep. If she's fussy, you could try taking her for a walk in the Bjorn. She liked that this morning."

[Anonymous]

Talk to him. He's not a mind reader

My husband knows I sleep like a rock, so he got up at night to feed him from the git go. He also changed every diaper for the first 2 weeks because of he felt he could take better care of this son's poor circumcised penis-I didn't say a word-all the power to him! My husband also had a shitty dad and vowed never to be like him-but now, my friend's are complimenting him and telling him how distant their husbands are, how they never help, and he now thinking he's being UNMANLY. I keep telling him how lucky I am and how unstressed I am. Being a new mom is so overwhelming, you're still fat even though you've had the baby, your hormones are out of whack, and a new baby requires so much care. Talk to him and let him know you're overwhelmed-once he starts to help out, he'll bond more with the baby and enjoy spending time with her.

[Anonymous]

I would go to sleep around 8/8:30 and DH would take over till 11 o'clock feeding, which I would do. I would go back to sleep and DH was in charge of getting DS to sleep. Some nights he couldn't and would come get me(I would say this happened maybe five times). At 3 or 5 - whenever DS would wake up I would get up and feed DS and hang out with him till he fell asleep again. Sometimes we would deviate from this 'schedule' - I put it in quotes, because we didn't really talk about it, it usually just happened this way. It would all depend on who needed more sleep... I could tell when he was at the end of his rope and he could tell when I was at the end of mine. I really wish I would have taken more advantage of the little things when DS was that small... I was so set on getting things done and doing everything right that I don't feel I enjoyed it as much as I could have... one lesson I learned... If DS is perfectly happy in the bouncy and looking around and I am exhausted to tears... it would have been okay for me to fall asleep. I remember asking my pediatrician what I could do at his 6 week appointment and he told me... the first 6 weeks are awful... you just have to get through them... even the professionals get a little tired from time to time.