boycotting holidays

[Anonymous]

I’m starting to resent holidays and the expectation of our boomer parents that we and our kids be present to celebrate in the way they are accustomed to. Always this involves having a meal, sitting around chit chatting, exchanging unwanted gifts. The rest of the year they do their own thing and take frequent vacations without including us. I think they want to spend holidays together because it ticks the box and feels ‘normal.’ I’ve proposed we plan some vacations together where we can really enjoy quality time together in a beautiful place. I’d even be open to a cruise (never cruised before). We’d totally expect to pay our own way. It never happens. So inevitably we go alone, but if it’s over a holiday there’s disappointment about us missing. I see multigenerational families vacationing together and it makes me sad that no one cares enough to do this.

[Anonymous]

The multigenerational families I've seen together have all had the grandparents paying. Not that there's anything wrong about that, and it probably brings along the siblings who couldn't otherwise afford it. But it requires grandparents with somewhat deep pockets.

I take my kids (mid-20s) on some of my vacations, and I pay. (My parents are dead and ILs used to love to travel but no longer can.)

If you want a multigenerational family holiday, then you'll probably have to organize it. And things will get complicated if you have siblings who can't afford a cabin on a cruise ship or something like that, and so they would rather (and understandably) just drive to somebody's house for the holiday.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The multigenerational families I've seen together have all had the grandparents paying. Not that there's anything wrong about that, and it probably brings along the siblings who couldn't otherwise afford it. But it requires grandparents with somewhat deep pockets.

I take my kids (mid-20s) on some of my vacations, and I pay. (My parents are dead and ILs used to love to travel but no longer can.)

If you want a multigenerational family holiday, then you'll probably have to organize it. And things will get complicated if you have siblings who can't afford a cabin on a cruise ship or something like that, and so they would rather (and understandably) just drive to somebody's house for the holiday.

PS, thinking about this as "boycotting" and "nobody cares enough to do anything different" are probably the wrong ways to think about it. Especially if you haven't stepped up yourself to organize anything else.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m starting to resent holidays and the expectation of our boomer parents that we and our kids be present to celebrate in the way they are accustomed to. Always this involves having a meal, sitting around chit chatting, exchanging unwanted gifts. The rest of the year they do their own thing and take frequent vacations without including us. I think they want to spend holidays together because it ticks the box and feels ‘normal.’ I’ve proposed we plan some vacations together where we can really enjoy quality time together in a beautiful place. I’d even be open to a cruise (never cruised before). We’d totally expect to pay our own way. It never happens. So inevitably we go alone, but if it’s over a holiday there’s disappointment about us missing. I see multigenerational families vacationing together and it makes me sad that no one cares enough to do this.

Tough sh-- if they're disappointed. We stopped doing that, for similar reasons and a similar situation, once we had kids. They are free to come, before, during, or after, or not see us at Christmas, Easter, etc. They had their chance to host and now it is ours in our home. They are always welcome.

As for vacations, have you asked? If not, raise it and suggest what you want. But, be warned: those multigenerational trips are not always pleasant. You're not seeing the arguments over logistics, the grumpiness after a week together in close quarters, gripes about who is paying for what or contributing more . . .

[Anonymous]

nasty attitudes do not deserve any family time

[Anonymous]

Okay I have a healthy relationship with my boomer parents and a pretty good one with ILs:

1) I don’t feel obligated to spend any holiday anywhere. We make our plans early and communicate them, and we graciously appreciate all invites. Especially regarding travel and limited vacation time, people are understanding.

2) I believe firmly in moving holidays to whatever day suits you and repeating them as needed.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're making this --- all or nothing.
Why not insert yourself into holiday planning and bring something to the table (so to speak).

My concern is you'd probably not feel any closer just because you were on travel together.

Invest more of yourself -and- that also means it's ok to control the event in a greater way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Okay I have a healthy relationship with my boomer parents and a pretty good one with ILs:

1) I don’t feel obligated to spend any holiday anywhere. We make our plans early and communicate them, and we graciously appreciate all invites. Especially regarding travel and limited vacation time, people are understanding.

2) I believe firmly in moving holidays to whatever day suits you and repeating them as needed.

+1, although my mother isn't always understanding. My mother also didn't use to believe in #2 until my brother's custody schedule sort of forced her hand on that.

[Anonymous]

I see things very differently. I live my parents and had a wonderful relationship with my now grandparents. I live that I have a very close relationship with my cousins( and ven though we never lived in the same state).

I know I can call in any of them if I needed something. That comes from spending time together.

I want the same for DC. So we spend the time we can with our respective families.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The multigenerational families I've seen together have all had the grandparents paying. Not that there's anything wrong about that, and it probably brings along the siblings who couldn't otherwise afford it. But it requires grandparents with somewhat deep pockets.

I take my kids (mid-20s) on some of my vacations, and I pay. (My parents are dead and ILs used to love to travel but no longer can.)

If you want a multigenerational family holiday, then you'll probably have to organize it. And things will get complicated if you have siblings who can't afford a cabin on a cruise ship or something like that, and so they would rather (and understandably) just drive to somebody's house for the holiday.

PS, thinking about this as "boycotting" and "nobody cares enough to do anything different" are probably the wrong ways to think about it. Especially if you haven't stepped up yourself to organize anything else.

+1. We travel with my in-laws when they pay for it. Otherwise, my husband and I would rather travel with just our three children. It's probably not about you and your husband.

[Anonymous]

I would make holidays predictable and easy and less costly. Maybe do a fun thing for a day each year as a tradition and do something different every 5-10 years. That way people can save up and you also have some tradition that your kids can carry on. Take the fancy vacations another time and just with your immediate family.

[Anonymous]

Check out the thread in the travel forum about how difficult it is to travel with elderly parents. You may think twice after reading it.

When we had our first child, we told our families that we would no longer be traveling for Thanksgiving or Christmas. They are welcome to come to us, but trying to pull off Christmas with little kids and the whole Santa charade is impossible at someone else’s house.

Now that kids are grown and grandparents are elderly and not traveling as well, I am thinking it’s time to go to them for holidays. Everything goes full circle.

Don’t think about your situation as “boycotting”. It’ sounds so negative and punitive.