Meltdowns when time to leave a fun activity
![[Post New]](/jforum/templates/default/images/icon_minipost_new.gif){kind=icon}
Anonymous
|
I’m looking for some suggestions to help with my kid’s behavior when it’s time to leave an activity.
She is almost 5 and generally is well behaved, a good listener, and easygoing. Recently, she’s really struggled with transitions, and will refuse to move, or will sit down and cry, or say no and run off when it’s time to go. It happens only at activities that are super high energy and fun, like when it’s time to leave a birthday party, the playground, or the zoo. She has no problem transitioning for regular activities, like saying bye to friends at school pick up, leaving the library, or turning off her iPad to come to dinner. What we’ve tried: 1. Giving a 5 and 10 minute warning before it’s time to go 2. Telling her she can pick three more things to do at the playground then it’s time to go 3. Dangling a carrot for leaving: we have to go now so we have time to read her new book before lunch; we need to leave to go to the grocery store where she can pick out a new treat for the week; if we don’t head home now there won’t be time for her to watch her show before dinner. Sometimes works but I hate the bribery aspect. After a bad departure at the park last night with her refusing to ride her bike home and crying the whole way as I dragged it behind me today I’m trying another strategy: when it’s time to leave the activity (going to the pool), if she has a meltdown then I’m going to change her RSVP to no for the two birthday parties she has next weekend. She says she understands and is going to try. I also hate threatening, but I’m not sure what else to do. Any tips or ideas to help with this? |
Anonymous
| Don’t take away the birthdays! She’s not doing this on purpose. It’s a developmental stage she is going through. She’s struggling with learning to manage emotions. She will outgrow it. Talk to her before you go to a fun place. Have her imagine that it’s time to leave. Ask her how she will be feeling. Acknowledge her feelings and say they are normal and understandable. Then explain that everything ends, and there will be a next time to do the fun thing. Tell her she will get two reminders that it is almost time to go. Make one thirty minutes out, and the other ten minutes. When it’s time to go, cut the conversation way down, tell her you know she is sad and disappointed, allow her to feel that, and move on, even if you have to pick her up and walk out. She might cry the whole way home. That’s okay. Feelings need to be expressed, and she has strong feelings. She needs support and understanding. She’s not trying to upset you. She’s a little kid. Anticipate, plan, acknowledge feelings, and move on. Crying is annoying, but it will pass. You can handle it. |
Anonymous
| Timers on my phone are what really clicked for my preschooler. |
Anonymous
|
OP back. I talked with her about plans to leave the poop today without a meltdown and she agreed she could do it. I played up what a big kid she was and reminded her during pool time we’d be leaving at a set time and she needed to show me she was a big kid. I didn’t threaten cruelly, but reminded her she needed to act like a big kid to do big kid stuff including birthday parties. She left with no incident, which has not happened lately. Praised her all the way home and she was beaming.
So, maybe not the best parenting method but the threat of losing something she wanted to do worked .. today at least! |
Anonymous
| ^ pool not poop, haha |
Anonymous
|
I don’t think threatening the loss of future parties is a good idea or effective. What worked was the reminders, the previewing, the talking up her maturity.
You need to have a back up plan for leaving upset for every outing. That means you have a way to leave whether she’s happy about it or not. There should not be any negotiating. |
Anonymous
Since she is generally well behaved, I wouldn't worry. Having said this, set her up for success. Fewer outings that interfere with her routine, don't wait for the meltdown to remove her, if she melts down find a safe place for her to do it. Hope that helps. |
Anonymous
OP here. I agree, but the thing is we have always done all of the above — giving the warnings it was almost time to leave, letting her pick 2 more things to do, and playing up being a big kid when it is time to go, but she still got into the habit of handling transitions from the high energy and fun activities poorly. When adding in the threat of missing out on something in the future she is eager to do, it was a piece of cake. Today at least. I don’t like negative reinforcement and threats, but I’m sad to admit it worked today in ways lots of other methods have not recently. Hopefully this is a stage! |
Anonymous
| Threatening the loss of future parties is a really terrible idea, OP. I get it that you were desperate and we’ve all been there, but that’s not a good pattern to get into. |
Anonymous
I completely agree! I didn’t like doing it but it worked. I’m hoping I can the good behavior today as a way of having the next event result in good behavior without having to make a strict warning. Not a pattern I want to engage in and hoping I can get her to turn a corner with how she acts when time to go. - OP |
Anonymous
|
My now 8 year old was like this, especially activities that got her worked up like a bounce house or a friend with a trampoline. Make sure you praise A LOT if she leaves well.
Agree that a giant future consequence is not the way to go. It’s not enough in the moment but feels mean later when you enforce it. I think reminding the day of about the kind of behavior you expect is the best thing. Also my daughter was very motivated to do better once she understood how painful it was for her friends (she witnessed another girl having to be carried out by parents and realized how it looks, and that was probably the end of it really. We don’t have this issue any more. Short of really significant SN you won’t either in another year or so. |
Anonymous
| Read "good inside" by Dr. Becky Kennedy- it really helps to understand the WHY of these situations and then she gives solutions. |
Anonymous
|
It seems your daughter does understand future consequences, so she can control herself when motivated.
I agree that you can't use the heavy hammer of dire consequences often, or they will lose their potency. I don't think dire threats are the way but I don't see a problem with normal negative reinforcement like timeouts or denial of small treats like dessert or screen time. |
Anonymous
NP. Why not? It seems like a logical consequence to me - I can’t take you someplace if I can’t trust you to leave that place in an appropriate fashion. |
Anonymous
|
I’d make a social story with her. Take photos of her playing ant the playground and going to a fake party. Then take some photos of you looking at your watch and telling her it’s time to go. Next take a photo of her making a sad face. Finally have some photos of her leaving calmly. End with a big smile.
Print them out one to a page. Write a story. Take it with you and read it BEFORE you get out of the car. Every time. |