Rethinking the classwide birthday party

[Anonymous]

I'm beginning to groan inwardly every time my daughter receives an invitation from a classmate she never plays with simply because that classmate is inviting the entire class. I feel that I then have to add that classmate to our list, and the party just grows and grows. We are actually at the point where we may not have room for our younger one at her sister's birthday party because we have to invite so many school "friends." (It's at a gym; there's a limit.) I honor the desire to be inclusive, and I know that I would feel much worse if my daughter were the only one or one of a few who were left out, but there is a downside to this formal inclusiveness. I'm not criticizing the parents who invite everyone because I know they have only the best intentions, but I will say that I am grateful to the parents of classmates that my daughter doesn't really play with who have smaller parties and leave us out. At this point, the children are turning five; they know who their friends are; they know for the most part that they shouldn't talk about parties in school; and my daughter at least is not hurt when she's not invited by a boy she doesn't really know.

[Anonymous]

P.S. I do remember the thread about the special needs child who was always excluded. I realize there is a danger that the same set of kids will always be excluded, and maybe the dynamics of a class may be such that it's better to invite everyone rather than take that risk. Maybe it's something to discuss with individual teachers? Anyway, just throwing out another perspective.

[Anonymous]

I don't think you have to invite someone just because they invited you to their party. I think they would understand. It is nice to try to make your child's party more personal. Our children not only have friends just from school but from different places and it's hard to narrow it down but I try to with their help. Sometimes I feel that parents are trying to out do each other with these elaborate parties where other people entertain their kids when I think the kids would be just happy being with each other. I think that parents don't have to be so protective of their children by always inviting the whole class. In the real world not everyone is your friend and I think by protecting them it is hurting them in the long run.

[Anonymous]

I agree with the OP, but also struggle with this, due to the thread about the special needs child that was constantly excluded.

Perhaps a good solution would be to ask the teachers if there is anyone who is regularly left out of things. Set up a few playdates with that child to try to foster a friendship, or at least teach your child to be nice and play with all sorts of people.

When party time comes around, include this child and a few other close friends from class. That way you're not excluding the one person who always gets left out, but you're not inviting all 12 kids plus the neighborhood friends.

Does this sound fair/nice/right to others?

[Anonymous]

Just think about what your child would feel like though if they overheard others talking about a party they were not invited too. Not trying to be mean but it is a tough situation....

[Anonymous]

I think its different depending on what you are thinking of doing. If the class size is 20 kids, then feel free to invite only 10 classmates, but don't invite 17 and leave out 3. Its ok to be excluded if half the class is also excluded with you. Parents do understand about venue limits, but not if their child is the only one who is excluded from what basically becomes a class event.

[Anonymous]

OP here: I think this might work with younger children, but as they get older, you can't make a friendship happen or pretend that it's there. Perhaps inviting everyone is the solution after all. Sigh.

One other thought I had was that some parents may not see this as a problem because most of their child's friends are also classmates. With our first, because she was our first, we spent a lot of time on playdates and building relationships, and as a result she had a large group of friends before starting preschool part-time. Our second started preschool full-time at 2, and her few non-school friends are the younger siblings of our first child's friends (it's hard being second), so we will invite her entire class of 12 this year, and next year her entire class of 15, and then probably her entire class of 20--and then I will be one of the parents who now cause me to groan!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think its different depending on what you are thinking of doing. If the class size is 20 kids, then feel free to invite only 10 classmates, but don't invite 17 and leave out 3. Its ok to be excluded if half the class is also excluded with you. Parents do understand about venue limits, but not if their child is the only one who is excluded from what basically becomes a class event.

I agree with this in principle. The problem comes when you were planning to invite 6 who are really friends, and then you have to invite another 8 because your child was invited to your parties, and then you are getting close to excluding the others. I do feel that reciprocity is important, at least at this age. Personally, I don't feel that you need to invite someone who has invited you just because they've invited an entire group of which you happen to be a member. But I'm not sure my daughter or her classmates are ready for that kind of distinction. Easier to say that if someone invites you, you should invite him/her.

[Anonymous]

How are weddings dealt with? You can't invite everyone to your wedding. It would be nice but not economically feasible. Unless it was a classmate that was really close why do you have to feel you have to include everyone so no one gets hurt. The world is not always easy isn't it better to learn how deal with things when you are young.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are weddings dealt with? You can't invite everyone to your wedding. It would be nice but not economically feasible. Unless it was a classmate that was really close why do you have to feel you have to include everyone so no one gets hurt. The world is not always easy isn't it better to learn how deal with things when you are young.

Explain that to a young child

[Anonymous]

I think that you can explain to a young child that you don't have that much money to pay for a huge party or that the reason that they are not invited to a party is because maybe they didn't have enough space. Or say wouldn't be nice to have a special party just with some of your special friends. I think kids understand alot more than you think. And younger than 4 they really don't know what to think. I think if the person invited 80% of the class that would be obviously be hurtful. But if they only invited a few then I think your child would understand why that is the case.

[Anonymous]

I agree that when they got older (out of preschool) that kids understand better about parties and getting invited to some and not others... but imagine your child overhearing about a party that weekend which they were not invited to? Would they be hurt? How do you explain that to a 3-5 year old?

I think that if you are inviting 3-4 kids out of a class they would understand - but more then half... not really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How are weddings dealt with? You can't invite everyone to your wedding. It would be nice but not economically feasible. Unless it was a classmate that was really close why do you have to feel you have to include everyone so no one gets hurt. The world is not always easy isn't it better to learn how deal with things when you are young.

Bridezillas have a hard time with that concept even when mommie and daddie are forking over the bill. Maybe by getting them accoumstomed to this concept now, prevents Bridezilla type behaviors in the future.

[Anonymous]

I don't get the reciprocity thing so much in practice. There were several kids in my daughter's class who had birthdays in September who didn't have parties (or who didn't invite my child at least). Kids with summer birthdays probably don't invite the whole class. Its fine to have a smaller party and just invite the girls or boys or limit it to five friends.

What bothers me is that in a sense you are rewarding kids who invited your child to their party by inviting them to yours - you say the only reason you are inviting them is for reciprocity. So basically by having a party for their child and inviting everyone in the class, these parents have somehow bought social invitations to other events for their kids.

I think you should just limit the party to best friends and ignore paybacks for previous invitations. Just say you had to seriously limit the numbers and everyone really should understand. I for one am getting tired of all the birthday parties for my child now that its April. I can't wait for my child's class to be bigger so people don't feel so obligated to invite everyone! Fewer gifts to buy and wrap, and fewer places to haul my kids around on Saturday afternoon!

[Anonymous]

My solution is to do a "class party" with cupcakes etc and invite no classmates to the home party. You have to have a enough out-of-school friends to have a non-school party for this to work, but really 3 friends and some family is all it takes to be festive. And I do not feel the need to reciprocate every invitation. Good God, we take a gift. Why do we owe them a reciprocal invitation? I frankly don't attend all the parties we're invited to either because we'd spend every other weekend on the birthday party circuit. You can just say no to all the maddness and step off if you want.