What helped you find the courage to leave?

[Anonymous]

DH has trampled on our marriage for years. I know it seems so clear to everyone that I should leave. I am paralyzed and petrified. I have talked to 2 lawyers. I have talked to our financial advisor (future looks doable but grim). I just can’t pull the damn trigger. What helped you feel brave? Capable? What made you feel prepared?

Staying in our house is the most affordable option I have by far (low mortgage plus a basement tenant) and still it will be such a hard stretch.
I have no desire for another partner. There is nothing I’m looking forward to.
Whether I stay or go, all I see is misery and hardship.

What helped you beat the inertia? What made you optimistic about your future as a divorcee? What gave your confidence?

[Anonymous]

Getting my freedom: being able to see my friends, being able to go out for a walk, and not having to live in emotional abuse. I was excited for that kind of life.

[Anonymous]

I’m not excited for anything. I’m so F’ed. either way looks awful.

[Anonymous]

And yes, I have a therapist, a sex therapist, and a marriage counselor.

[Anonymous]

I have a daughter. I did not want her to have this kind of marriage and I did not want either my daughter or my son to think this is normal.

[Anonymous]

It was terrifying but I had been dying slowly every day for years. I was miserable in an abusive marriage for many years but would never break up my family for “no reason.” When I found out about his adultery it was our ticket out. I knew I could never live with ex husband after that and could never let my children grow up seeing us together. I didn’t want them to grow up to think that the way ex treated me was live, didn’t want them to tolerate that from anyone or do that to anyone else.

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids?

[Anonymous]

Yes I have 2 elementary school kids

[Anonymous]

How did DH trample the marriage?

If you need something to look forward to, consider you might find an entirely new life. New friends, experiences, laughter, hobbies, being carefree.

[Anonymous]

My ex abused me in front of our son and I saw how terrified he looked. Called a lawyer the next day and made the earliest appointment possible and told the lawyer I wanted a list of step by step instructions on what to do when.

[Anonymous]

When I showed the lawyer the photo file off bruises and gave him the timeline of abusive events (these included grabbing the steering wheel on the highway, running over my foot with the car, and intentionally slamming on the breaks/stopping short with a baby in a car seat in the back) and he told me it was the most clearcut best documents domestic violence case he had ever seen.

[Anonymous]

DH has trampled on our marriage through multiple affairs, a pattern of lying, and no effort to rebuild trust.

I was hoping that a meeting with our financial advisors would help me feel brave and capable. It did not.

I talk to friends. I listen to pods and read books. i just cannot find the guts to do it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m not excited for anything. I’m so F’ed. either way looks awful.

I'm sorry, you sound depressed. You can't see - it actually WILL be better. Financially it may be difficult. But if you are getting out from abuse, you will be much better off, as will be your children.

[Anonymous]

A lovely man… That’s what it took!

[Anonymous]

If you have talked to financial advisors you employ jointly, I would expect them to tell your husband you are contemplating divorce. Sorry but this seemed worth highlighting.