s/o on teen/daughter relationship. Question...

[Anonymous]

I am the parent of two younger teen daughters who always want to go to Starbucks, Boba, Target, Cava, Sephora. I resist because these trips can get spendy. But now I am wondering if I shouldn't because it may mean that I am not meeting them at their level. I am fine putting limits on this (like Starbucks 1/month etc) but will I regret this time ? It's already hard enough to get them to fully engage and I don't want this to get worse as they get older.

[Anonymous]

At least they want to go with you. Soon they'll want to go with their friends. Go and enjoy it!

[Anonymous]

Can you let them "window shop" and put things on a list to buy themselves or on a holiday gift list for the merchandise stores?

I'd be okay with a drink once in a while, maybe after a meal so everyone isn't going in hungry.

[Anonymous]

Once a month is not enough. Once a week is barely enough with my girls. Between that and doing laundry together or food shopping, we're okay.

[Anonymous]

So, you think if you continually buy them drinks/makeup, etc, they will be closer to you? Tell them to start babysitting to support their Sephora habit.

[Anonymous]

The right number of times to do this will vary for every family. I would certainly consider a weekly stop at Starbucks or Cava normal -- not spoiling them. It's also A-OK to set boundaries and to make it clear that these outings add up. But don't ever let them think you don't want to spend time with them. You could always float taking walks together or going to the library together.

[Anonymous]

How old are they? I wouldn’t start the habit too young, but it absolutely is nice to bond with your daughters, and do things you normally don’t approve of. So yes, take them to Sephora once or twice a year. Starbucks can be once every few weeks since you don’t do it at all currently. I wouldn’t start a weekly Starbucks habit so young. Let them get Boba or Açaí bowls once in awhile. Get one yourself. Try their recommendations. Give them your credit card and let them order. Gossip as you eat/drink. Ohh & ahh, and ask questions about the products they buy. Have fun with them!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So, you think if you continually buy them drinks/makeup, etc, they will be closer to you? Tell them to start babysitting to support their Sephora habit.

It's not about bribing them. It's about spending time with them in an environment when they're open to sharing their lives.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you think if you continually buy them drinks/makeup, etc, they will be closer to you? Tell them to start babysitting to support their Sephora habit.

It's not about bribing them. It's about spending time with them in an environment when they're open to sharing their lives.

This. My daughter and I have a boba habit. We go maybe every couple of weeks, but the point of it is to spend time together, even if it is just wandering around the mall, squishing things at the Mini So store, or looking at clothes (or trying them on). Or raging about how PacSun can stay in business when their business hours are unpredictable. Sometimes she buys stuff, sometimes not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you think if you continually buy them drinks/makeup, etc, they will be closer to you? Tell them to start babysitting to support their Sephora habit.

It's not about bribing them. It's about spending time with them in an environment when they're open to sharing their lives.

Right. It's taking the recommendation of those who have gone through this experience and using those outings as a way to stay engaged in their lives. I am the OP and I resist alll those outings because of the cost but now I am hearing there is a benefit that might not be monetarily quantifiable and that's important to stay active in their lives. Next time they ask for Starbucks, I am going to surprise them with a 'yes, let's go'.

[Anonymous]

Ok, I'll play devils advocate here. For our family this just isn't financially feasible. Also, Sephora/appearance based capitalist consumption isn't the type of thing I want to encourage when it comes to female bonding. So I would compromise and say, hey, let's go for a walk, or a hike, or to one of the free museums downtown, and then we can grab a starbucks or whatever.
But let's offer these girls some alternatives to dwelling on their faces.

[Anonymous]

My oldest DD is 22 and my youngest DD is 15.

I say go on the trips when they ask!

Here's the way I look at it, in just a few years they'll be in college where you'll only get to see them for a few days at time during their breaks. Mine hasn't been home for a summer since his freshmen year because she's always done internships during the summers. She'll graduate college in a few weeks, be back home for about a week before she goes on a grad trip with friends, and come back for about 2 weeks before she preps to move to another state for her job that starts mid-June.

I set limits. Can we go to Starbucks? Sure! But we're only getting tea this time (fewer calories & cheaper). Can we go to Sephora? Sure, but be sure to bring your money in case you want anything. Can we go browse Target? Absolutely but we will not be leaving with another freaking Tree Hut product unless it is purchased with your own money. Can we go to Barnes & Nobel? Yep, and you may pick out 2 books.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I'll play devils advocate here. For our family this just isn't financially feasible. Also, Sephora/appearance based capitalist consumption isn't the type of thing I want to encourage when it comes to female bonding. So I would compromise and say, hey, let's go for a walk, or a hike, or to one of the free museums downtown, and then we can grab a starbucks or whatever.
But let's offer these girls some alternatives to dwelling on their faces.

Good advice, although we visit Starbucks/Sephora as well as go to museums, jazz concerts, hikes etc etc. You can enjoy skin care AND cultural events! Promise!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So, you think if you continually buy them drinks/makeup, etc, they will be closer to you? Tell them to start babysitting to support their Sephora habit.

It's not about bribing them. It's about spending time with them in an environment when they're open to sharing their lives.

Right. It's taking the recommendation of those who have gone through this experience and using those outings as a way to stay engaged in their lives. I am the OP and I resist alll those outings because of the cost but now I am hearing there is a benefit that might not be monetarily quantifiable and that's important to stay active in their lives. Next time they ask for Starbucks, I am going to surprise them with a 'yes, let's go'.

I think it's reasonable (and also healthy for your long term relationship!) to set a budget on this type of thing. Once a month say yes to the outing, other times say "We went to Starbucks last week, so it's not in the budget to go again this week. Why don't we make hot cocoa/cold brew/whatever at home and drink it on the porch?" I think also of note with regard to bonding/being aware of what's going on, especially ages 10-15ish, is to try and be The Driver whenever possible. Car rides here and there (for errands, activities, whatever) are liminal spaces where teens can talk to you without having to make eye contact and react to the texts they're getting and you can shamelessly eavesdrop on their phone calls.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, I'll play devils advocate here. For our family this just isn't financially feasible. Also, Sephora/appearance based capitalist consumption isn't the type of thing I want to encourage when it comes to female bonding. So I would compromise and say, hey, let's go for a walk, or a hike, or to one of the free museums downtown, and then we can grab a starbucks or whatever.
But let's offer these girls some alternatives to dwelling on their faces.

It doesn't have to be Sephora. Just something you can do regularly with your DD.
My teen isn't into many things Sephora sells so that's not something I can rely on.
She does like crafting but classes don't always fit into her schedule
We noticed during the pandemic that stores like Michaels has youtube videos for various crafts you can do at home with your DD. There are also other crafty houtubers for anything your DD maybe interested in from jewelry making to knitting to painting, etc. These videos usually list the supplies needed. Just pick something in your price range.