Husband is not supportive

[Anonymous]

We have 2 SN kids, and I am 99% sure their diagnosis come from DH's family side. I work full time, and I sign up/take them to weekly therapies/activities/classes almost all by myself. He skips parent teacher conference even he is off at home that day. DH is not happy with their behaviors, and somehow it becomes my fault and kids' fault. He does not understand why we have to pay for all beforecare/aftercare /summer camp, and why can't they be at home. He work remitely, and I work hybrid. He will not take care of them when they are home while it is his work hours. And, it is beneficial for them to be social with other kids. He has not taken them to hike, bike, swim , kick soccer etc, and it is all me doing all these while he sits at home relaxing.

If I want to blame, I want to blame his DNA for their diagnosis and suffering. We did the genetic testing, and both kids have the same abnormal DNA result as his. I don't even blame him for not helping out, and he blames me all the time for kids behavior. I am glad that I earn decent salary, so I can sign up many things and buy many things without his approval. I try my best to learn some great parenting skills, but it is easier said than to be done. I lost my patience and temper sometimes, and DH hates it when I nag how busy and tiring I am. It is just easy and simple for him to say that I can choose not to sign up/take them to anything and just stay home.

Sorry for the vent post.

[Anonymous]

Therapy sounds like it would be beneficial for you and him, both separately and then together. They are both of your children. DNA comes from both sides. We didn't realize all the undiagnosed ADHD, ADD, Dyslexia, Anxiety and more from both sides of our family until DD was diagnosed.

You need to completely refrain your thought process. I know it's frustrating having a partner who doesn't appear to be contributing. Have you had a conversation with him about it? Don't expect him to be able to read your mind. You can hint until pigs fly and he still may not know what you want from him. Learn how to communicate.

[Anonymous]

Joint counseling with someone who deals with parenting SN kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Joint counseling with someone who deals with parenting SN kids.

or find a divorce atty.

[Anonymous]

I strongly disagree with the therapy idea. Therapy has zero evidence of changing a personality, especially when that personality is like your husband's. Your best bet for your own happiness is to create you escape plan now.

[Anonymous]

And for the record, many father/husband's are exactly like your husbands. I have yet to hear a story about any getting better.

[Anonymous]

What was your DH's childhood like? Will your kids end up like him anyway despite all of this effort?

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry- it sounds like a tough situation. If he’s willing, doing something like Dan Shapiro’s Parent Child Journey together might be helpful. It’s an online parenting class. You can watch the lectures and they are full of great information but really I think the support group would be most helpful and make you feel less alone. Even if your husband isn’t willing to participate, you might get something out of it yourself. It’s a really supportive environment. He addresses the DNA/diagnosis as destiny thinking.

[Anonymous]

The issues here sound far larger than just a disagreement on how to parent a SN kid. They are fundamental marriage and respect issues. I’m going to guess the SN issues aren’t the only things you have major conflict on in your marriage. I’d treat this as a marriage issue, which in my friends circumstances, meant marriage joint counseling, but also individual counseling to figure out what you’re contributing to the dynamic (if anything), whether there is abuse, and whether this is a non fixable problem that you need to extricate yourself from.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I strongly disagree with the therapy idea. Therapy has zero evidence of changing a personality, especially when that personality is like your husband's. Your best bet for your own happiness is to create you escape plan now.

There's no reason she can't do both.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The issues here sound far larger than just a disagreement on how to parent a SN kid. They are fundamental marriage and respect issues. I’m going to guess the SN issues aren’t the only things you have major conflict on in your marriage. I’d treat this as a marriage issue, which in my friends circumstances, meant marriage joint counseling, but also individual counseling to figure out what you’re contributing to the dynamic (if anything), whether there is abuse, and whether this is a non fixable problem that you need to extricate yourself from.

+1. This sounds like a lot more than just “dad doesn’t want to acknowledge SN.” There are some real red flags for abuse in the OP.