Do you grow closer and become more attached to your elderly parent as they age?

[Anonymous]

I see this in my SILs (husband's sisters). They are 51 and 57, MIL is 94. SILs are super close to MIL and have become even more attached in the last decade since FIL died. Won't do many family related activities without MIL being there. Getting together for coffee or a casual lunch with SIL means SIL + MIL.

MIL still lives in her own house, with a lot of help from private caregivers. DH and SILs have started touring nursing homes as they think this is the next step for MIL. One SIL expects nursing homes to provide 1:1 care and companionship all day long. They don't.

A 63-year old friend of mine whose mother has recently moved to a nursing home won't go on vacation for more than about 5 days, just in case something happens to her mother if she stays away for longer. Her mother will be 90 this year. She is frail but fine. Friend's brother still visits mom hen friend is on vacation so mom is not 'abandoned'. Friend and brother both live a 10-minute walk from the nursing home.

Do you get more attached to your parents as they age?

[Anonymous]

I have seen the gamut. I think some people become super enmeshed even when they weren't that close to the parent. Maybe suddenly they realize time is running out and want to appreciate it. Sometimes I think some people are just so afraid of someone dying. Sometimes I think there is an unhealthy enmeshment and the person ends up so lonely once mom and dad are gone. You still must have a life of your own. That's best for everyone. They need other outlets too.

I have also seen enmeshment turn to estrangement. My mom and aunt were calling grandma daily and visiting often. After enough years of emergencies and some really atrocious behavior from grandma they went the opposite direction and dropped her off at a facility and never visited again. Grandma was finally medicated well there and those of us who did visit found her pleasant because she finally had to take meds to be nice.

I have also seen people use it as a way to try to gain approval from others. "I am such a saint I moved mom in/take her on trips with me/revolve my life around her." They they get so upset when the kudos stop and they are just resentment of mom because they didn't figure out what boundaries work for them. A friend of mine expanded the house for mom and she loved the reactions she got from others. Eventually people stopped praising her and move drove her bonkers. They are moving her out next month.

I think we all have to find the balance that works for us.

[Anonymous]

No rule of thumb. Everything depends on the individual dynamics.

[Anonymous]

Depends on the family. We are very close knit family.

[Anonymous]

I don't see this happening to me. My mid 70s mom is getting more cruel and vicious towards me so I want to spend less and less time around her not more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see this happening to me. My mid 70s mom is getting more cruel and vicious towards me so I want to spend less and less time around her not more.

Mine is like this too.

[Anonymous]

Mother passed at 71, never got closer due to her personality and frankly mental illness
Dad is 77, getting closer with him but not due to age - mother used to take up all his time and energy and go so far as to not let him speak to us. Listened in on our convos and would think of something to interrupt them.
I am glad I can talk to my dad now the way I could when I was a child!

[Anonymous]

No lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Depends on the family. We are very close knit family.

This is OP. My husband's family of origin are very close knit too. Especially his sisters. They are very attached to their elderly mother. I think part of it is fear of her dying. I think they are terrified of the prospect of her dying, which is why one SIL expected nursing homes to provide 1:1 companionship (someone to sit with her all day and entertain her) which of course they don't.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:No lol

+1

[Anonymous]

No but I worry about them more as they are in there 90s.

[Anonymous]

It depends on the family dynamics and on the individuals, both the parents and the adult children.

And some adults are mommy's and daddy's boys and girls their whole life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the family dynamics and on the individuals, both the parents and the adult children.

And some adults are mommy's and daddy's boys and girls their whole life.

+1

Enmeshment and enabling can be destructive to families, the longer it continues - so if the enmeshing and enabling parent lives into their 90's, it can be even worse for the enmeshed and enabled adult children, especially when that parent finally passes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It depends on the family dynamics and on the individuals, both the parents and the adult children.

And some adults are mommy's and daddy's boys and girls their whole life.

+1

Enmeshment and enabling can be destructive to families, the longer it continues - so if the enmeshing and enabling parent lives into their 90's, it can be even worse for the enmeshed and enabled adult children, especially when that parent finally passes.

OP again. I notice a certain level of enmeshment and enabling in my husband's family of origin. After FIL died, MIL expected her adult children to take care of her, keep her company and entertain her. She once jokingly said that they would have to wrap her in cotton wool.

One SIL especially is very enmeshed with MIL. She was a 'helicopter parent' when her own kid was still living at home, and now she's a 'helicopter daughter' to her very elderly mother.

[Anonymous]

I don't think there is one answer to this. Comments clearly demonstrate that it depends on the elderly person's personality and condition as well as the adult child's personality and past history with the parent.