"Sober" on online dating profile

[Anonymous]

At first I thought there were other compatibility factors but now I'm starting to think I do enjoy connecting over a glass or two of wine once and awhile, and also feeling like I don't want to be in a relationship with someone maintaining sobriety. Like if they have to work at staying sober, vs. someone who just doesn't drink. I also don't quite know how to navigate questions like this.

Are they I used to drink a lot when I was 18, it almost ruined my life, I haven't drank in 20 years vs. are they I've been sober a few years here and there but when life gets hard I still want to drink and constantly fight the urge.

Yet I don't want to have an inquisition... how do you navigate questions like this?

Or for example unsure about having kids vs. doesn't want to have kids. What does unsure mean...

Are these pre-dating questions that you would be upfront and just ask?

Would you meet first & then ask?

Would you just pass?

TIA for helping me think this through and find my parameters 🙂

[Anonymous]

They are probably more recently sober than 20yrs if they are highlighting it as part of who they are

[Anonymous]

I secretly appreciate their honesty because it is an automatic left swipe for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are probably more recently sober than 20yrs if they are highlighting it as part of who they are

I agree, but if you have any chat on the apps I'd just ask "tell me about being sober" or something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They are probably more recently sober than 20yrs if they are highlighting it as part of who they are

Not necessarily. A lot of people want to find a partner who doesn't make alcohol one of their main personality traits.

[Anonymous]

Sober means they are alcoholics in the past. Red flag.

If you don't drink you wouldn't put sober.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Sober means they are alcoholics in the past. Red flag.

If you don't drink you wouldn't put sober.

Wrong

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sober means they are alcoholics in the past. Red flag.

If you don't drink you wouldn't put sober.

Wrong

+1. I've noticed a trend of people identify as "sober" because they dislike how alcohol makes them feel or because of fairly small problems with how alcohol makes them behave. Like I know a woman who stopped drinking and became "sober," because alcohol makes her gossip.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are probably more recently sober than 20yrs if they are highlighting it as part of who they are

I agree, but if you have any chat on the apps I'd just ask "tell me about being sober" or something.

Great answer! Why not be straightforward and just ask? Seems better than speculating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sober means they are alcoholics in the past. Red flag.

If you don't drink you wouldn't put sober.

Wrong

I know several people who don’t drink alcohol simply because it’s unhealthy. They were never alcoholics. But I do think the word “sober” implies you used to drink and now don’t, rather than someone who just doesn’t like alcohol.

[Anonymous]

It means they are in recovery.

[Anonymous]

It's the new word for "recovering alcoholic."

[Anonymous]

I mean, it’s announced as a filter. It sounds like someone announcing this isn’t for you, and that’s OK.

One thing I learned about OLD is it’s completely fine to know what your dealbreakers are and that making exceptions doesn’t work.

For example, I talked myself into relaxing my requirement that a date be a college graduate. After a couple of dates with women who only had high school degrees, I realized that was really unpleasant for me. They were either ignorant, more likely to be financially unstable and looking for a provider (especially if they had kids) or both. I also made an exception once for a “social” smoker and was instantly reminded how revolting I found that. So, lesson learned.

Dating someone who emphasizes sobriety in their bio may not be for you. That is fine. Discriminate away and save everyone time and heartache.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sober means they are alcoholics in the past. Red flag.

If you don't drink you wouldn't put sober.

Wrong

+1. I've noticed a trend of people identify as "sober" because they dislike how alcohol makes them feel or because of fairly small problems with how alcohol makes them behave. Like I know a woman who stopped drinking and became "sober," because alcohol makes her gossip.

Problem drinkers and alcoholics — just a matter of semantics

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Sober means they are alcoholics in the past. Red flag.

If you don't drink you wouldn't put sober.

Wrong

I know several people who don’t drink alcohol simply because it’s unhealthy. They were never alcoholics. But I do think the word “sober” implies you used to drink and now don’t, rather than someone who just doesn’t like alcohol.

It also often means addiction to other substances including hard drugs like heroin. In fact, it’s more likely to mean than than “recovering alcoholic” which would obviously just be booze.