Anyone become estranged from their parents in middle age?

[Anonymous]

I think this may happen with me and my parents. Actually, I think it's been happening for years, and like the proverbial frog in the pot, I'm just now learning how warm the water has gotten. My parents are mid 70s with health problems and a very limited income, virtually no financial safety net. I have two siblings who live in the same town as my parents (I do not, I'm a 10 hour drive away), but they cannot/will not help my parents. I know that I'm the executor of the will, but I don't even have the lawyer's information, despite asking for it.

I'm not asking for advice per se, but more how eldercare and end of life things were handled if you were in a similar boat. Thanks for any feedback.

[Anonymous]

Your title doesn't match your post. Are they abusive to you? The title implies you are moving toward estrangement which usually occurs after many years of abuse and trying all sorts of ways to improve the relationship. Your post asks about end of life things and you mention you are executer of the will.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your title doesn't match your post. Are they abusive to you? The title implies you are moving toward estrangement which usually occurs after many years of abuse and trying all sorts of ways to improve the relationship. Your post asks about end of life things and you mention you are executer of the will.

No, that’s not what estrangement means. It means growing/having grown apart, which can happen for a number of reasons and even be the healthiest dynamic for dysfunctional families. We are little to no contact with no regular visits (mutually content with it). They have communicated to me multiple times in the past that I am the executor of their will and I know their relationships with my siblings even less close than ours.

[Anonymous]

You are the executor of their will. Your roll doesn’t start until they both die. You don’t have any authority for end of life decisions. The attorney isn’t important. Their will is probably located in their home or in their safety deposit box.

[Anonymous]

Why do you need to know the lawyer’s information now? You sound as if this is such an insult?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Your title doesn't match your post. Are they abusive to you? The title implies you are moving toward estrangement which usually occurs after many years of abuse and trying all sorts of ways to improve the relationship. Your post asks about end of life things and you mention you are executer of the will.

No, that’s not what estrangement means. It means growing/having grown apart, which can happen for a number of reasons and even be the healthiest dynamic for dysfunctional families. We are little to no contact with no regular visits (mutually content with it). They have communicated to me multiple times in the past that I am the executor of their will and I know their relationships with my siblings even less close than ours.

I agree with PP. What you describe is not what comes to mind when the word "estrangement" is used. Despite lack of communication, your parents have told you that you are executor which means they've at least taken care of getting their affairs in order and have made it a point to let your know that, multiple times.

Families have different standards for what they consider contact/communication. Some would say that they have great relationships yet only see each other once or twice per year, and have an occasional phone call or text.

So what are you proposing? That you cease all contact with your parents because.... well, they aren't great communicators or because they are poor? Or is this more about resentment because your siblings are doing nothing and you feel you're going to have the brunt of care? If that's the case, then it's an entirely different matter.

[Anonymous]

There’s nothing really to be done, because it sounds like they are unwilling to communicate with you about end-of-life care beyond letting you know that you are the executor of their will. If they are in poor health, there will inevitably be a crisis that you will be made aware of (either by your siblings or the parent who is still well) and you will make a decision how much or how little you wish to help/participate.

You don’t mention abuse, but refer to dysfunction and a distant relationship with all of the grown children (estrangement generally means no contact whatsoever). The consequence to the way they have chosen to live their lives is that they won’t have support as they decline and a crisis might create a need for a court-appointed guardian to manage their care. I work in a hospital and it happens quite often.

But if you are truly estranged (no contact) then you really don’t need to concern yourself with any of it because you have no control over their decisions or their willingness (or lack thereof) to share information.

[Anonymous]

They will become your problem if you can’t get them into a continuous care community.

[Anonymous]

You want to become estranged because they are poor?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They will become your problem if you can’t get them into a continuous care community.

And even then could still be a problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:They will become your problem if you can’t get them into a continuous care community.

It doesn’t sound like they have the funds for that, unless they get a Medicaid bed in the long-term care unit of the CCRC.