Overcoming Childhood Neglect in Adulthood

[Anonymous]

Is it possible to get over childhood neglect in your 50s? What kind of therapist should I look for?

[Anonymous]

I would look for a therapist with experience with PTSD.

[Anonymous]

I hope so. Right now I'm still in the "trying to learn to live with it and not let the effects ruin my life" phase.

I have struggled to find a therapist who is good with these issues because the wounds run so deep and also, being the product of neglect can make you develop a lot of survival techniques and defense mechanisms that can make it pretty difficult to trust and build rapport with a therapist. I am hyper-independent, have abandonment issues, and suspicious of the reliability of authority figures, for obvious reasons, and I've found this can make therapy pretty difficult!

Also, if you are talking about emotional neglect, I have found the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents to be very helpful. There's also a sequel that goes into further depth, but I'd read the first book first -- it does a pretty great job of explaining the wound of emotional neglect at a young age. It doesn't get into physical neglect but the exploration of the emotional wound is really, really good. Very easy to understand and even has some actionable advice on how to handle it. Highly recommend.

[Anonymous]

Hi op, look for a therapist that specializes in complex trauma and is trained in EMDR. It is a type of therapy that can be very helpful for trauma.

[Anonymous]

Thank you for responding.

[Anonymous]

Not sure of you have children, but u found myself healed a lot when, as I parented my kids, I also parented myself. It also brought forth a lot of repressed memories so have a therapist

[Anonymous]

I really wish I could do EMDR but it's to easy to find providers. I very much hope you'll find one.

I think that the most helpful talk therapy modality is Internal Family Systems. It was created for trauma victims, from what I understand. I am also getting through the Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and its good.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with this.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know if I’ll “get over” it, but a few things have helped:

Parenting my kids like I wish I had been parented - and sometimes I even “parent” myself by making up, in my head, the response I * should * have gotten from a loving caring parent.

Taking a break from my parent so I had space to process. (My parent could have cared less, it was several months before they noticed)

Learning about CPTSD and understanding why I am how I am. I can’t change who I am, but I can now see how some of my “personality” is really stuff I developed during a neglectful childhood.

My parent’s neglect led to me being unsafe - available to repeated sexual abuse by a third party. Processing that has been hard and I’m still working on it.

[Anonymous]

I have PTSD, depression, and anxiety from childhood abuse and neglect. I'm in my 60s and just finished about 5 years of therapy. It's been life-changing.

Please find a therapist who is experienced in treating childhood neglect. There's a lot of good literature, but my therapist helped put it in context. She also gave me a lot of tools that help.

The process takes some work one your side, but you can rewire your brain. Best wishes to you, OP ❤️‍🩹

[Anonymous]

No recommendations but chiming in as another who experienced childhood neglect and is dealing with it as best I can. Hugs.

[Anonymous]

The book “Us” by Terrence Real is about relationships but he discusses the “adaptive child” often a result of negligence and gives examples on how to become a wise adult.

[Anonymous]

I haven't gone for therapy for the same reasons you listed above. I think I have borderline personality disorder have read some Dialectical Behavior Therapy books and listened to DBT podcasts that are very helpful. I don't have the symptoms I used to have - rage, fighting, suspicion, ambivalence to those closest to me, ghosting friends and boyfriends (prior to marriage). I've been married for over 20 years now and have two teens that seem normal. I've had a good outcome despite abnormal mental health.

[Anonymous]

Viola Davis’s memoir is therapeutic for me — maybe it will help you too.

Also remembering that all of those things made you stronger and who you are. Cliche but puts a terrible experience into perspective. I’m still working on this, but I know feeling like I’m a victim all the time hasn’t helped me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Not sure of you have children, but u found myself healed a lot when, as I parented my kids, I also parented myself. It also brought forth a lot of repressed memories so have a therapist

Exactly this. Becoming a parent brought up feelings I didn't even know I had towards my mom. I also am an adoptive parent, so I had to work all the more harder to become a parent, and became angry that she could just become a mom without any of these checks and balances. I am in to breaking cycles, not perpetuating them. Parenting yourself is huge. Be the parent you wish you had.

[Anonymous]

When you do find a therapist who is a match, go in with reasonable expectations even if the person is highly recommended. Anything that helps you is great, but I find everything has an expiration date. I found a therapist helpful until she had her own life crises and was canceling a lot, but didn't want me to find someone else. Then she started to share more of what she was going through which was fine until I found it became a lot of the session. So, I was grateful for the ways she helped, but moved on.

I knew it would take a while to find a new therapist (still haven't) so after a series of upsetting events I created more distance with the parent who had been verbally and emotionally abusive (not neglectful at least not by 1070s and 80s standards). That was where a lot of healing came. I could focus more on being the best I could be for my own kids and spouse. While "closer" to that parent I found myself starting to repeat patterns with my kids, but with distance I finally was determined to a cycle breaker. I could stop blaming that parent, accept she was disturbed and do the things I needed to do to take care of myself. She finally crossed the line enough i no longer felt guilty when I took care of myself. I felt like it was about time and I wondered why I gave her so much power in the first place when I had been a grown up for quite a while. You have few choices as a kids, but as an adult you get to claim your power and set your boundaries.