MIL declining - trying to be supportive

[Anonymous]

DH had to rush to help in-laws, in particular my MIL. She's declined rapidly. DH flew to Michigan to help. MIL has been horrible to me for 25 years. She does not have a proper diagnosis or care plan (if there will be on) and FIL is disabled. I'm supportive of DH. Go help, do whatever you need to do. But in reality I resent every minute. He never takes time off of work or does anything with our DD. Butt he's there in a minute when they need him. I know it's his mother. But not once all these years has he defended me to her. Years of comments, pot shots and barbs. I have such conflicting emotions and need to let it all go. She is most likely dying. All I think is was it worth it you horrible person? All the contention, exclusion and meanness? And now it's over. Wow.

So lesson for all of us, me included, life is short. Why waste it being mean? And for my reflection, don't waste it on the "why". Just learn the lesson, including what kind of mother in law I want to be.

[Anonymous]

What’s tricky is that your DH is the bigger problem than your MIL.

I have a difficult MIL also. But my DH has learned how to navigate her and defend me. It doesn’t mean it’s always perfect, and yes he would prefer for me to just “ignore” certain comments. But at the end of the day he has my back, which makes my difficult MIL a million times easier to deal with.

[Anonymous]

PP you are so lucky. In 25 years has not defended me once. Shame on me. It made me not trust him at at. Lovely marriage huh? Such complex emotions.

[Anonymous]

OP hopefully posters will continue to be kind, but there is usually at least one person who obsesses over how elderly parents take precedence over everything.

I agree with PP it is a husband problem, though yes the MIL is a problem. He needs to set boundaries and defend you. Therapy helps with that if he won't do it on his own. I knew my MIL was trouble before we married so I made DH hash out boundaries with me before I would agree to marry him. She busts up marriages at record pace with her neediness so it was a must. It still was stressful and we needed therapy along the way, but we got major boundaries in place.

Good luck to you. I get it. I feel for you. you have a right to feel resentful. He should never have let her be so horrible to you.

[Anonymous]

You all will be mothers-in-law at some point. Make sure you are nice to your daughters-in-law to avoid years of resentment like this.

OP, despite whatever lesson you learned, you still sound pretty bitter to me.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I guess I am bitter and yes resentful. Meaningless mean behavior. The grief isn’t about her and her death, it’s the grief over what it should have been like. Or could have been.

[Anonymous]

You can try to solve it with money by hiring a helper for them or setting them up with your DH's sibling (whom they get along with) and provide them some financial incentive for caregiving.

This way everyone is satisfied and your hubby doesn't have to go as often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here. I guess I am bitter and yes resentful. Meaningless mean behavior. The grief isn’t about her and her death, it’s the grief over what it should have been like. Or could have been.

Mean MILs can really mess with your marital and family dynamic. You'll never be able to forgive her for the damage she caused but you shouldn't let her make you the bad person even in this situation in your eyes and in front of your hubby, kids and other family and friends. Don't allow her toxicity to poison your geart and your family.

[Anonymous]

*your heart

[Anonymous]

She isn't herself now. She is just a dying person. Just think of it as empathetic volunteer work to help a fellow human who you don't really know.

[Anonymous]

Look at the bright side, she will soon be no more
It may sound horrible but I felt relieved and almost happy when my mentally ill, difficult mother died
She managed to wreak havoc on our whole family and even as my brother and I left she kept our father hostage almost literally
Now we are all free
I wish you relief!

[Anonymous]

OP, I have a different situation but have so much burrrrning resentment towards my DH now, who is in a different country with my rapidly declining MIL. In this case it's my FIL who was the difficult one, and I held my tongue for so many years while he said whatever he wanted, and brought the kids for visits regularly, and now I'm dealing with the kids alone while DH disappears completely for an indefinite period.

It's not a nice feeling to have internally, while externally I am trying to be supportive because that's what I'd want if it were my parents dying. Argh. Trying to breathe and say nice things but just fuming inside and I'm not even completely sure why, although one thing fueling my rage is that this has been so obviously coming down the pike for years now and no one has done anything to prepare, made end-of-life decisions, anything. So now it's all reaction, no proactivity, and tons of interventions that may prolong life but not quality of life. And no idea when DH will be back with us again.

Hope I didn't hijack the thread. Just, it was good to see that I am not so alone in my feelings.

[Anonymous]

Obviously, you have a husband problem, not a MIL problem. Your MIL won’t live forever, but you two will still be married. Your resentment is jumping off the page. Have you tried therapy?

[Anonymous]

Your husband may not have done the right thing before, but he’s doing the right thing now. What he’s doing is hard and selfless and he will come out a better person. We have to support our spouses when they’re doing the hard, right thing. If you want him to spend more time with your DD, ask him about it when he is back. As for not defending you to your MIL, it sounds like that problem is solved.

[Anonymous]

It doesn’t sound like your DH is a good partner to you. Maybe focus on making the most of the time without him, and decide if you want to remain married,

But I agree that your resentment should be focused on your DH. Your MIL is a miserable person, who likely has her own demons. It’s such a waste of a life, spreading ill will and unkindness - that was how she lived, and now it’s over. That’s her legacy, not yours.

Take the time to figure out what you want. It doesn’t sound like your DH is involving you in her end of life care.