Do you regrets of not pushing your children harder when they were young?

[Anonymous]

My sons and I have very good relationships and they visit my wife and I every Sunday for lunch. Yesterday during lunch, I asked my sons if I could go back and do things differently for them while they were going up, what I would have done differently. My oldest son was very much into academics and he participated in the science olympiad, math club, and other academic activities. I tried to get him into sports and music activities but he fought back feverishly. After a year of trying, I simply gave up and he went full speed with academic activities. My younger son is a complete opposite. He was an average student but he was very much into sports, music and theatre/drama activities. Between 7th and 11th grade, he attended sport camps, music bootcamp, and theatre/drama camp. The oldest attended UPenn and the young one attended JMU, they are two years apart. After graduation, the oldest is working for AWS and the younger one is working as a contractor for the government, and they are both making good money. However, my oldest said that his life is not as fulfilling as his younger brother because he doesn't have much of a hobby, and that he wished that I should have pushed him a lot harder into sports and music (against his will at the time) when he was younger. To be clear, he is not blaming me for this but I got me thinking that I could have done more. Anyone feeling the same way I do?

[Anonymous]

I pushed and prodded my kids differently based on their temperaments.

[Anonymous]

We all have regrets. I refused to continue with piano as a teen, but there is no way my mother could have pushed me into playing more. I regret my own decision, not her behavior. But I also recognize that if I had played more, I would have missed out on other activities I did during that time that I really loved doing. So it's not really a regret - it's a "I wish I could have had more time than 24 hrs in one day!" sort of thing

Don't take your children's comments personally. Also bear in mind that their opinions in their 20s won't be their opinions at 30 or 40. Adult evolve and with maturity and experience understand their childhood better and get more perspective on it. In my 20s, I blamed my parents for a lot of things. Now in my 40s, I realize they did their best within their limitations and personal issues.

[Anonymous]

My 17 yr old DS told me that I should've pushed him more in extra curricular activities. When I did try to push and prod, he fought me on it, lots of fights, etc.. In hindsight, he said, I should've just ignored his fits.

However, if I had done this, I'm thinking he would've hated me, and we would've had a terrible relationship.

You can't win, OP. Your DS is an adult, and they need to find their their path and happiness themselves now.

Parenting is finding a delicate balance between pushing too much and not pushing enough. It's hard. As long as they are relatively content in life, can take care of themselves, are good people, you did a good job.

[Anonymous]

I think I could've pushed them more into sports and public speaking. I did try but finally gave up as they weren't into it. I wish I had sent them to fun camps and trips.

[Anonymous]

My parents didn't have knowledge or resources but they could've pushed me into going to the top undergrad school i was admitted to instead of picking something cheaper near home.

[Anonymous]

I let me kids follow their interests at the time. What's the point of pushing them to do sports or music if they don't want to do it?
Your older DS needs to realize you can start a hobby at any age. Too many people have the mindset that you must master something as a 10 year old. My current hobbies (running, yoga, piano, knitting, winemaking) are all things I started as an adult.

[Anonymous]

Not so much pushing harder, but pushing differently.

[Anonymous]

OP, if your oldest is interested in a hobby, he can start now. There are plenty of athletic and artistic pursuits that welcome and are made up of people who started them as adults.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I let me kids follow their interests at the time. What's the point of pushing them to do sports or music if they don't want to do it?
Your older DS needs to realize you can start a hobby at any age. Too many people have the mindset that you must master something as a 10 year old. My current hobbies (running, yoga, piano, knitting, winemaking) are all things I started as an adult.

You can start playing golf at any age but you're not going to play like someone who started playing golf at the age of ten. For some people, it is not fun to be a golf hack and it is a tough pill to swallow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let me kids follow their interests at the time. What's the point of pushing them to do sports or music if they don't want to do it?
Your older DS needs to realize you can start a hobby at any age. Too many people have the mindset that you must master something as a 10 year old. My current hobbies (running, yoga, piano, knitting, winemaking) are all things I started as an adult.

You can start playing golf at any age but you're not going to play like someone who started playing golf at the age of ten. For some people, it is not fun to be a golf hack and it is a tough pill to swallow.

boo hoo

[Anonymous]

Nope. We've always had our kids doing something for their brains and something for their bodies, outside of just the regular school day.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let me kids follow their interests at the time. What's the point of pushing them to do sports or music if they don't want to do it?
Your older DS needs to realize you can start a hobby at any age. Too many people have the mindset that you must master something as a 10 year old. My current hobbies (running, yoga, piano, knitting, winemaking) are all things I started as an adult.

You can start playing golf at any age but you're not going to play like someone who started playing golf at the age of ten. For some people, it is not fun to be a golf hack and it is a tough pill to swallow.

boo hoo

Right? My parents started golfing when they were in their late 20s. They have since enjoyed a lifetime of recreational golfing. Lots of people start new activities after childhood, become perfectly competent and even excel, and are probably better sports for it. If you only enjoy doing things if you're the best, that's a you problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nope. We've always had our kids doing something for their brains and something for their bodies, outside of just the regular school day.

You post this sentence on so many chats. Not sure how you make it relevant to so many topics, but you do. We get it, thanks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I let me kids follow their interests at the time. What's the point of pushing them to do sports or music if they don't want to do it?
Your older DS needs to realize you can start a hobby at any age. Too many people have the mindset that you must master something as a 10 year old. My current hobbies (running, yoga, piano, knitting, winemaking) are all things I started as an adult.

You can start playing golf at any age but you're not going to play like someone who started playing golf at the age of ten. For some people, it is not fun to be a golf hack and it is a tough pill to swallow.

boo hoo

Right? My parents started golfing when they were in their late 20s. They have since enjoyed a lifetime of recreational golfing. Lots of people start new activities after childhood, become perfectly competent and even excel, and are probably better sports for it. If you only enjoy doing things if you're the best, that's a you problem.

There is a huge difference between "recreationl" and "competitive" golfing.  Recreation is often not very good. Some people just don't want to be average.