Help me qualify this situation

[Anonymous]

81 year old parents, father is primary caregiver to mother who has physical decline and heart failure confined to wheelchair and cannot be left alone due to risk of fall. Father has dementia and only drives 2-3 miles to pick up groceries. Both have to be driven to doc appointments/procedures that are 30-40 minutes away. Large 4 bedroom house is cluttered, they cannot maintain it and dirty after they cancelled maid service and they won’t move. Attempts to clean up a room or remove furniture that is falling apart are met with resistance so decline of house will continue. One good thing - in solid financial condition due to home ownership and pension, but bill paying and other admin tasks are falling behind. Some would say so what this isn’t that bad and others would say there is much room for improvement. While I wouldn’t live like this they are accepting of their deteriorating environment. Lots of good input and experience here…how bad is this?

[Anonymous]

To put it bluntly:
They should sell the house and move to an assisted living facility close to where their medical appointments are.

[Anonymous]

My in-laws declined like this. 2 of their 4 sons lived not too far away, and would just insist on keeping the housecleaner, declutter themselves despite protests, drive them to appointments and talk to their doctors. My FIL passed away, and my MIL has since moved to an apartment where she now receives care around the clock, but the 2 sons continue to monitor the aides closely. My husband, who is the son living abroad, manages their finances.

[Anonymous]

I think a lot depends on dad’s dementia. Is he really able to drive safely, even just 2-3 miles? Can he really care for mom in a wheelchair? That is the wildcard, in my opinion.

Deferred maintenance, messy house, needing help with longer drives and presence at medical appointments seems pretty normal for old folks in the US.

[Anonymous]

OP here thx good feedback. It’s hard to watch the decline and deterioration of the house and living conditions. Not good for mental health and I’m sure it’s related to declining mental competence.

[Anonymous]

Normal doesn't mean you can't do better for your parents, OP. If you cannot, it is what it is. If you can without burning yourself out, then please help.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Normal doesn't mean you can't do better for your parents, OP. If you cannot, it is what it is. If you can without burning yourself out, then please help.

Helping where help is accepted. Would like to do more especially to improve living conditions so the resistance is frustrating.

[Anonymous]

This is pretty normal. Unless they are not taking care of themselves like showering, eating or are able to use the restroom themselves, this is what typical aging looks like.

Are they open to having a one time decluttering event so they have more room to maneuver the wheelchair? Maybe the thought of someone coming weekly they didn't like and why they cancelled the maid service but maybe a one time event with you involved would work. Then that will be easier to maintain.

[Anonymous]

OP, I know how hard this is, but the dementia means that your dad is just as dangerous driving within 2-3 miles radius as he would be on the interstate. In some states, a dementia diagnosis automatically results in the license being taken away. You should treat it that way - the driving, the house condition, the difficulty with paperwork and bills are a crisis waiting to happen. Deal with it before the crisis hits - and before anyone gets hurt.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know how hard this is, but the dementia means that your dad is just as dangerous driving within 2-3 miles radius as he would be on the interstate. In some states, a dementia diagnosis automatically results in the license being taken away. You should treat it that way - the driving, the house condition, the difficulty with paperwork and bills are a crisis waiting to happen. Deal with it before the crisis hits - and before anyone gets hurt.

How do you “deal with it” with aging adults that resist change and giving up independence?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, I know how hard this is, but the dementia means that your dad is just as dangerous driving within 2-3 miles radius as he would be on the interstate. In some states, a dementia diagnosis automatically results in the license being taken away. You should treat it that way - the driving, the house condition, the difficulty with paperwork and bills are a crisis waiting to happen. Deal with it before the crisis hits - and before anyone gets hurt.

How do you “deal with it” with aging adults that resist change and giving up independence?

Op here…maybe the way to deal with it is put in the applications for assisted living so they can be moved when that time comes? They certainly won’t do this legwork themselves and are in denial about their ability to live independently. What have others done in this situation

[Anonymous]

You tour some facilities by yourself and tee up the paperwork. See if you can get them on a few waiting lists "just in case".

Sometimes you just have to wait for a crisis to force them to accept the change. It seems like you won't have to wait very long.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You tour some facilities by yourself and tee up the paperwork. See if you can get them on a few waiting lists "just in case".

Sometimes you just have to wait for a crisis to force them to accept the change. It seems like you won't have to wait very long.

NP and that is what I am thinking too. All it takes is a fall for Dad, for them BOTH to no longer be able to live at home.

Are you POA, OP? I am for my folks, and honestly-I am sort of starting to JUST DO stuff, rather than asking...not in a disrespectful way. I'm talking about cleaning up sometimes (their house is good but i did have to clean out the garage for them to be able to get in the car, and I do monitor the cabinets and fridge for expiration dates). I am more involved medically as they are getting overwhelmed by this (got on all hippa docs). I also went through their files when they were both hospitalized last year-just to get familiar with everything. They are taking care of that side of stuff so I am not presently involved, but I can step in if ever needed-I'm not going ot let stuff get behind.

But yeah, these old folks are so stubborn. I tell my mom 'I'm just trying to keep everyone alive'.

[Anonymous]

How many siblings? Do they generally get along well enough to band-together and force a move. If there's the tiniest chance it can be done. You all have to risk mommy & daddy being mad at you. Adult children: tour facilities and agree on 2 that would be best. Take the parent without dementia to those 2, and all together, ask that she pick.

Sell the house later. Clean out the house later. Initially move them with only what they need in the new place. Prior to move-in, have installed a huge big screen tv. Have it ON to a sports channel when Dad walks in for the first time.

If you have to, tell them this is to try-out the new place. If you have to, tell them it's temporary. In 3-4 months they will have forgotten all of their objections. Although they will never thank you, they will be telling everyone after 4 months that the move was all their great idea.

[Anonymous]

pp again. Btw, we were willing to take them back to their old home for a visit, for weekend, even for the summer months when the snowy weather was gone. It was possible. They didn't want to (thank goodness). Once they settled into their new place, that was it and they were content.