Brother didn’t call

[Anonymous]

My brother is a decade younger than I am, I’m mid 40s and he’s mid 30s. For the last few years I’ve been sending him a gift card for his birthday along with a birthday card and always call him that day. He always just calls me on my birthday. I’m also the one to try to keep in touch as he only calls on my birthday and sometimes responds to my texts. A couple months ago I decided not to send him a gift card this year, money was very tight a a few months for us and I figured it is a one sided relationship anyway, I don’t even get a card.
So my birthday was this past week. He only texted me a quick “Happy birthday” and nothing else. No phone call, which I had been looking forward to since we hadn’t spoken in a while, since his birthday. It occurred to me later that he might have done it because I didn’t send him money this year but I’m not totally sure. Was I wrong to not send him anything this year? I mean it’s not like I owe him a gift every year but the fact that he didn’t even bother to call me and didn’t say anything besides a quick happy birthday really hurt.

AITA?

[Anonymous]

You are over thinking it. Call him more regularly if you want to develop a relationship.

[Anonymous]

This is OP. I used to call him more regularly but stopped because he made it clear he doesn’t want a close relationship with any of us (three sisters). It’s always been more of a big sister little brother relationship given our age difference, plus I’m married with kids and he’s not married, no kids.
I will stop overthinking it though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My brother is a decade younger than I am, I’m mid 40s and he’s mid 30s. For the last few years I’ve been sending him a gift card for his birthday along with a birthday card and always call him that day. He always just calls me on my birthday. I’m also the one to try to keep in touch as he only calls on my birthday and sometimes responds to my texts. A couple months ago I decided not to send him a gift card this year, money was very tight a a few months for us and I figured it is a one sided relationship anyway, I don’t even get a card.
So my birthday was this past week. He only texted me a quick “Happy birthday” and nothing else. No phone call, which I had been looking forward to since we hadn’t spoken in a while, since his birthday. It occurred to me later that he might have done it because I didn’t send him money this year but I’m not totally sure. Was I wrong to not send him anything this year? I mean it’s not like I owe him a gift every year but the fact that he didn’t even bother to call me and didn’t say anything besides a quick happy birthday really hurt.

AITA?

If you want to talk to him, call him whenever you want; even if you cant send a gift.
Life is short.

[Anonymous]

He sent you a birthday acknowledgment. It’s not a big deal.

[Anonymous]

You have to let go the relationship you want and accept what you have. He isn't into gifts so it is good you stopped. He did remember your birthday so all isn't lost

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You have to let go the relationship you want and accept what you have. He isn't into gifts so it is good you stopped. He did remember your birthday so all isn't lost

Thank you. I think you’re right.

-OP

[Anonymous]

A lot of people just aren’t into the whole birthday card/gift thing. Maybe that just isn’t something he typically thinks of or does.

[Anonymous]

If you want to talk to him, you should respond to his happy birthday with something like - Thank you! I’d love to catch up with you. I’ll call you later today unless another time would be better?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to talk to him, you should respond to his happy birthday with something like - Thank you! I’d love to catch up with you. I’ll call you later today unless another time would be better?

She doesn't need you to write a script for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you want to talk to him, you should respond to his happy birthday with something like - Thank you! I’d love to catch up with you. I’ll call you later today unless another time would be better?

She doesn't need you to write a script for her.

NP. She apparently needs guidance on how the deal with the hardship of an acknowledged birthday, so there’s that.

[Anonymous]

People don't always show up the way that we want them to.
You have to accept that this is who he is, and you're not going to change him.

If he's already made it clear that he doesn't wish to be any closer with his siblings than he is now, you have to respect that.

He's still young, and most young people are very self-centered/self-involved. Maybe as he gets a little older, he'll value family more?

[Anonymous]

He’s not keeping score, OP. He didn’t fail to send a card because you didn’t send a gift card. He’s not being passive aggressive.

If you want to talk to him, call him. Or yet him.

[Anonymous]

He's not thinking about this as hard as you are.

That said, my brothers are similar and I think it's just one of the ways that men being socialized to depend on women for caring shows up. Somehow they just happen to be "not good at it."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If you want to talk to him, you should respond to his happy birthday with something like - Thank you! I’d love to catch up with you. I’ll call you later today unless another time would be better?

Do this. It’s perfect. My brother is about ten years younger than me and we are at very different places in our lives. He’s the one that often tries to call or FaceTime but I’m not around to answer. Coordinating by text is perfect. I like talking to him but it takes time to talk to anyone on the phone and birthdays and holidays are already so busy. I don’t want to spend all day on the phone.

He remembered your birthday and reached out. That’s a good thing!