Git into a huge fight with brother's date at a wedding and ruined dinner

[Anonymous]

My brother brought a date to a family member's wedding, and she went off on a completely racist rant in the middle of dinner. It was next-level white supremacist kind of stuff, but the kind of propaganda/talking points that you hear from educated racists - in other words, dressed up as policy positions and facts, not full of crass slurs, but still pretty bad. She basically explained how certain types of people from certain ethnic backgrounds are less intelligent, less hardworking, more inclined to commit crimes, and so on, and how some other secret "globalist" people are controlling it all. She claimed to work on the Hill and have insider knowledge. I listened for as long as I could and then I interrupted and tried to gently push back on some of the falsehoods and question her on some things that didn't make sense, and she got very angry and tried harder to convince me she was right, and I refused to back down. I basically told her she was racist, although I said it as quietly and politely as I was able to say such a thing. It was very uncomfortable and basically at that point some people got up and left and we left soon after. The bride was aware it happened, but wasn't at our table, so I don't know how much she heard. My husband didn't blame me, but also said it might have been better to say nothing. I'm told now that a lot of people are angry with me. I can't bring myself to apologize. I'm not sorry. What is a person supposed to do in those situations?

[Anonymous]

You're supposed to say "Alicia, this conversation and your white supremacist and racist views are making me very uncomfortable. I am going to step away and go get a drink." and then walk away.

She was definitely in the wrong, but you shouldn't have started an argument.

[Anonymous]

That wasn’t really a place to have a conversation like that. “This conversation isn’t sitting well with me, so Im going to get a drink, does anyone want one?” And then walk away.

[Anonymous]

I think a (good) person is supposed to call out the racist. You weren't loud. She was embarrassing herself and being offensive. And she was the outsider. You were fine, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That wasn’t really a place to have a conversation like that. “This conversation isn’t sitting well with me, so Im going to get a drink, does anyone want one?” And then walk away.

Yes, I would have definitely walked away, but it was absolutely not possible for anyone to leave the table at that point. There were some cultural rituals around food that were happening and I had my kids there as well, and walking away was not an option. It would have been the same really - getting up and leaving would have been seen as just as disruptive.

[Anonymous]

So was the rest of the gathering in agreement with her? Your brother?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That wasn’t really a place to have a conversation like that. “This conversation isn’t sitting well with me, so Im going to get a drink, does anyone want one?” And then walk away.

Yes, I would have definitely walked away, but it was absolutely not possible for anyone to leave the table at that point. There were some cultural rituals around food that were happening and I had my kids there as well, and walking away was not an option. It would have been the same really - getting up and leaving would have been seen as just as disruptive.

So if you needed to get up to take a kid to the restroom, that would not be allowed?

[Anonymous]

OP here - for those suggesting I should have gotten up, I could not. I don't want to try to describe it all, but this was a fairly small gathering, in an intimate location, part of a multi-day celebration, and there was no possible way to politely get up for anything at all. So my question is, what do you do when you can't walk away? Because obviously I would have done that much earlier if I could have. I was stuck there for over an hour, and if the argument hadn't happened, then I think it would have been much longer.

[Anonymous]

you should have walked away. And I don't believe your description.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That wasn’t really a place to have a conversation like that. “This conversation isn’t sitting well with me, so Im going to get a drink, does anyone want one?” And then walk away.

Yes, I would have definitely walked away, but it was absolutely not possible for anyone to leave the table at that point. There were some cultural rituals around food that were happening and I had my kids there as well, and walking away was not an option. It would have been the same really - getting up and leaving would have been seen as just as disruptive.

So if you needed to get up to take a kid to the restroom, that would not be allowed?

My kids are too old for me to take them to restroom, and it was like 5 feet away anyway. This was not in a public place.

[Anonymous]

Mind your manners and your mouth. Time and place.

[Anonymous]

What has your brother said about all of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you should have walked away. And I don't believe your description.

I don't really care what you believe. And in any case, as I said, I'm not sorry. I don't believe in letting someone sit in a group and actively try to convince them of white supremacist viewpoints. But I probably would have left if it hadn't been such an awkward time to do so, and if there had been anyplace to go other than a small restroom where I couldn't reasonably have stayed more than a few minutes without people thinking something was wrong.

[Anonymous]

Continuing to argue wasn’t disruptive?

After telling her that you disagree with her views, turn to the person on your other side and start a conversation with them on a much lighter topic and ignore the girlfriend for the rest of the time. A wedding celebration is not the time or place to keep digging in and allow an argument to continue, no matter how right you may be about the topic.

I think you should apologize to the bride and groom and anyone else who was in your vicinity and upset by this argument. I doubt anyone enjoyed sitting at your table.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What has your brother said about all of this?

My brother said something like, he tried to warn her ahead of time not to bring that stuff up because his sister is a brainwashed sheeple and it will only cause problems. So I guess in a way he's on my side?