What do you do when you really start to resent how much caretaking your kid needs?

[Anonymous]

The ugliness of adolescence combined with my kid's active resistance at following house rules, lack of interest in all things academic, and his typical sibling's increasing independence (which shows me what could be) have got me down. I am so, so tired of the neverending demands of SN parenting. They are different demands now that he's older but the sheer amount of needs is still a great deal more than for a typical kid.

[Anonymous]

Right there with you. I could have written this post. It's been an exhausting weekends of meltdowns and rigid behavior.

[Anonymous]

I started seeing a therapist when I felt that way. It didn't change anything about our reality, of course, but helped me not add guilt about my resentment and helped me distinguish resentment, anger, and worry, which was very helpful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I started seeing a therapist when I felt that way. It didn't change anything about our reality, of course, but helped me not add guilt about my resentment and helped me distinguish resentment, anger, and worry, which was very helpful.

+1

[Anonymous]

I go away for a weekend and reset myself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ugliness of adolescence combined with my kid's active resistance at following house rules, lack of interest in all things academic, and his typical sibling's increasing independence (which shows me what could be) have got me down. I am so, so tired of the neverending demands of SN parenting. They are different demands now that he's older but the sheer amount of needs is still a great deal more than for a typical kid.

I hear you. Especially the bolded. Seeing younger sibling entering the middle school years has been so different. Our issues with the oldest are different than yours, but still constant issues. The time and money spent on the child with needs doesn't leave much left for even myself, although taking some time out for myself to escape a little helps.

[Anonymous]

Get a local hotel room for 24 - 48 hours. Do what makes you feel like you again. For me it’s room service, journaling, podcasts, sleeping… and a time with zero responsibility for anyone else. I try to do it every 3-4 months and force my partner to do the same because it makes such a difference.

[Anonymous]

Great advice but I'm a single mom so that won't work.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The ugliness of adolescence combined with my kid's active resistance at following house rules, lack of interest in all things academic, and his typical sibling's increasing independence (which shows me what could be) have got me down. I am so, so tired of the neverending demands of SN parenting. They are different demands now that he's older but the sheer amount of needs is still a great deal more than for a typical kid.

I hear you. I don't have advice but just lots of sympathy. Most days I just collapse into bed and then it starts all over again with DC screaming and yelling in the morning because of the simple fact they have to wake up. Getting DC to school is a chore itself and then the meltdowns related to school work, defiance, name calling. I would not wish this on my worst enemy

[Anonymous]

Right there with you. Right now we are in a better phase, but it's still more active, hardcore parenting and decision fatigue than a typical kid. And I'm ALWAYS on edge waiting for the good phase to end. Even a typical level of tears or attitude makes me feel like everything is about to collapse and I go into high alert mode.

[Anonymous]

Go to a therapist or parent group. It will help a lot. Ask your school social worker if there is any respite available so your child spends a weekend away and you get a break. Look for a summer sleepaway camp for your kid that handle him or her. The school may have a special needs list and ideas for paying for it. School social workers have resources that you might not know about.

I’m sorry that you have this going on. Reach out to your community mental health services team for ideas. Can you hire a college grad student to take your kid out so you get a break? There are college students majoring in special education or psychology who do this in some areas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great advice but I'm a single mom so that won't work.

I’m sorry I realized my hotel advice is so privileged and making assumptions of backup care. I completely agree with all the therapy recommendations. Would it be possible to a sick day depending on where you work (and yes, this is considered medical in my book!) to spend the day somewhere?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Get a local hotel room for 24 - 48 hours. Do what makes you feel like you again. For me it’s room service, journaling, podcasts, sleeping… and a time with zero responsibility for anyone else. I try to do it every 3-4 months and force my partner to do the same because it makes such a difference.

This does nothing for me. I feel stressed while gone, I don’t want to spend the money on that - I’d rather take a trip with friends or my husband- and it’s too short and I just come back feeling thrown back in with extra laundry. So even if you can afford it this totally depends on who you are.

With my son and our similar situation, OP, I try to remember he is delayed, but progress is being made. So there’s no point in comparison. Period. Not worth anything at all. Ever. So, expect progress but prepare for it to be slow. I also find the lack of independence exhausting so I try to think about what he can do now and how to make it move along, like putting plates in the dishwasher, making snacks, doing a basic room clean. But I know. I know. So tiring.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Great advice but I'm a single mom so that won't work.

yeah, my kid has SI so I can't really split for the weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Right there with you. Right now we are in a better phase, but it's still more active, hardcore parenting and decision fatigue than a typical kid. And I'm ALWAYS on edge waiting for the good phase to end. Even a typical level of tears or attitude makes me feel like everything is about to collapse and I go into high alert mode.

OP here and this is my first reply. I am not single mom up above. I guess I struck a nerve. The above is so true for me. Even when things are not horrible I am waiting for the other shoe to drop. And things are getting so good with my other kid as he becomes a cool, interesting person and I feel guilty about my unloving feelings toward my SN kid. It's a struggle.