Clingy toddler cries all day. Help!

[Anonymous]

Please be kind. I think I’m losing my mind. I may have already lost it.

My 18m old cries and wants to be held by me every minute of her waking day. I can’t use the bathroom, can’t cook, can’t shower or do anything else without her screaming. She’s not unhappy, she’s just emotional and loud. And I can’t wear her in a carrier. Ideally in dd’s mind, I’d sit in my rocking chair and we’d nurse for 12 hours straight. I love nursing and it’s nbd, but enough is enough. She claws me too. There’s nothing wrong with her and I don’t think she’s special needs. She’s just strong willed. I just nursed her for 45 min and she screamed when we stopped.

I play with her a lot and do lots that she loves, but she just wants carried everywhere. She won’t let Dh hold her past 4pm on the off chance he might try to put her to bed at 7pm and no way is she going to let that happen.

Frankly I’m losing my mind. I’m on antidepressants and cut back my hours at work. The older kids are feeling the strain because I can’t do anything for them anymore. We can only play once I get her to sleep and I’m so wiped by then. My back kills me and I’m struggling with that pain too. Basically I need to stop carrying her. She does go to daycare and she loves it there. I’m tempted most days to just leave her there until it closes because I can’t figure out an alternative. The screaming and crying really gets to me.

[Anonymous]

I think you should talk to the daycare about how they handle her. It’s clearly separation anxiety, which isn’t your fault. Kids are wired to be anxious if they are separated from their main caregiver. I think she is probably in a pattern that you will have to break. This might mean you leaving the house with another child and leaving her dad to carry on without you, so she can start to recognize that he is also able to keep her safe when you aren’t there. You can go out to a movie or something after four. It won’t be fun for the dad, but he can deal with it to break the cycle.

You also have to stop nursing, because you are the only one who can do that, and in her mind, that’s linked with survival. Others need to give her a bottle or sippy cup. You might have to say “bye-bye” to nursing and only offer a bottle.

When you try to extinguish a behavior, it gets worse before it stops, but don’t give in and nurse again or let her cling to you. You might have to have a family meeting with the whole family after she is in bed to outline the problem and how everyone can help. She will tantrum, and everyone will have to be prepared with headphones. Don’t leave her to cry on her own, as you don’t want her to feel abandoned, but don’t nurse anymore. She needs new ways to find comfort. Get her a big teddy that is her new comfort toy, and dress him in a T-shirt that smells like you, and offer him to her while you cut back on nursing so she transfers association to him (or her).

[Anonymous]

She is old enough to understand what you say to her. Show her a sand timer and tell her that when the sand runs out, you will hold her for 15 minutes. Make the length of time longer and longer. If you are consistent and she knows you won't pick her up while the sand timer is still going, she will eventually not cry during those times.

Also, get her checked out for sensory issues. Maybe she needs socks with no seams, a weighted blanket, etc.

[Anonymous]

18 months is a prime separation anxiety age. I nursed until 2 and my second had this as well. But i only had one other kid who adored DH so we made it work. Work on weaning, replace with snuggles and set clear boundaries. Timers for snuggles before bed. Number of books read etc. For my 3 year idk to be put to bed by daddy, i have to leave the house. Which i do one weekday evening. Its great for my sanity. I stay late a work, do a workout class, eat dinner by myself and come home at 9 when the little one is tucked in already.

[Anonymous]

If she’s in daycare I would use all the hours they are open.

[Anonymous]

Is she teething? Ear ache?

Try advil

[Anonymous]

Having a sensitive anxious kid is exhausting and hard. My advice to you--no more nursing her. And if she cries when dad picks her up, don't rescue her. She's crying because she knows she can make the decision and wants you, but she's not in danger with dad. Make dad the primary bedtime doer for her and have him be as consistent as possible.

[Anonymous]

Op here. The reason we haven’t stopped nursing is because it’s very easy for me and is often the only enjoyable thing her and I do together. She is the easiest baby to put to bed right after nursing.

I don’t give into her demands to be held nonstop and I try to redirect constantly.

It’s just not easy. And it makes me so anxious or maybe it’s my blood pressure? I can’t take the crying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op here. The reason we haven’t stopped nursing is because it’s very easy for me and is often the only enjoyable thing her and I do together. She is the easiest baby to put to bed right after nursing.

I don’t give into her demands to be held nonstop and I try to redirect constantly.

It’s just not easy. And it makes me so anxious or maybe it’s my blood pressure? I can’t take the crying.

Pp here. Oh the crying is so so hard. It changes to whining as they get older and it still pushes my buttons in every way. Totally get that nursing is a lovely way to spend time together. Maybe add another thijg you two do together? Where your attention is on her but you're not carrying her? Special breakfast together or a game you play?

[Anonymous]

18 mo is old enough to talk to and explain when you can/cannot hold them. You have to rip the band aid off, implement a couple rules, and then be 1000% consistent.

[Anonymous]

She needs to just cry. You’re TEACHING her to behave this way. She can cry.

[Anonymous]

Nanny here - Have you heard of loops? They make them for parenting just to lower the volume, but you can still hear. Really helps mute out the high pitch screaming!

[Anonymous]

I’d start with a neuropsych evaluation or screening evaluation with your pediatrician or EI Services.

[Anonymous]

You don't sound well, OP.

It probably is time to wean. If you think it will be tough to wesn now, it will be worse later. It's going to mean a lot of crying and maybe DD doesn't sleep well for a while, but you sound like this is very taxing for you.

If you have to put DH in charge and got to a hotel (you sound like you could use the sleep) then that's what you should do. Try to establish other bonding rituals like reading while cuddling, etc.

Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Nanny again - I would also try reasoning with her instead of just ignoring the screaming. She’s old enough to understand “I can’t pick you up when you’re screaming, when you’re finished, please come find me” and walk away. Repeat.