my sister adopt my child?

[Anonymous]

My sister is TTC and just had her fourth IVF cycle. Unsuccessful. She is starting to get depressed. She cries everytime we talk on the phone. She is a single woman, in her early 40s, and was told her eggs are "poor quality." She had started adoption proceedings, but then got frightened that being a single woman would make this difficult. She feels anxious about the future and scared she'll never get to be a mom.

I am wondering if I could have a child and have her adopt it. It may be a ridiculous thought. But I would love to give her the gift of being a mother. She will be an amazing mother.

I haven't mentioned this idea to anyone, especially not her. (I could only bring it up if I were very sure I could really do it.) I worry about what to tell coworkers about my pregnancy. And I worry about the medical costs of being pregnant, and giving birth. And I worry that she will worry that I'll regret giving up a baby. Although honestly, I don't feel I'd be giving up a baby; she's an amazing mother. I'd only ask her to have me be the guardian if something happened to her, as I'd be horrified to have to fight to give this child a stable loving home, in the event something tragic happened to her. I worry it will make our close relationship tense, because I admit it's a strange unexpected family tree.

Am I crazy to consider this idea? What do I need to know about this that I'm not realizing? WWYD in my shoes?

[Anonymous]

Have you already had children of your own? If not, I would strongly advise against this. I think if you've gone through pregnancy you have a much better idea of what you're in for especially emotionally.

[Anonymous]

If she's able to afford IVF, you may consider donating your egg(s) to your sister. She could then carry the child and wouldn't need to "adopt" and you wouldn't have to worry about nosy people.

[Anonymous]

It's not a good idea.

First, the only people you have considered are yourself and your sister. What about the child? Does the child matter? How about their feelings?
You see this as a very altruistic act that allows your sister to become a parent. The child is not likely to see that and if they do, it will not be until adulthood.

Adoption is a wonderful thing. I adopted my child but adoption it is not without real and serious implications. There is a huge loss for the child of their biological parents. It doesn't matter how good the intentions of those parents were in their act to place their child in another family it is still a loss for the child.

How about considering surragacy and carrying your sister's genetic child for her?

[Anonymous]

Have you considered being a surrogate mother for you sister? Your sister could use donor embryos.

[Anonymous]

I second the suggestion to consider donating an egg to your sister.

[Anonymous]

It only really makes sense for OP to donate an egg to her sister if OP is significantly younger (as in under 30). If you are going the DE route, you need the healthiest eggs you can find. An RE might agree to the procedure, but the chances of achieving a successful pregnancy are much lower than they would be with a twenty-something donor. With that said, I fully understand the need for a genetic link and how your eggs might be preferable to an anonymous donor.

However, OP---you need to consider the emotional risk to you of that sort of egg donation. I know someone who donated her eggs to a much older sister when she was in her early 20s and then later on went on to experience IF herself---which was an emotionally wrenching experience.

[Anonymous]

I would think carefully about whether you should encourage her to go down the path of parenthood as a single mother.

[Anonymous]

I don't see how eggs donated from the older sister to OP would be any different in the dynamics of giving the child over. Only the legalities would be different; all the social challenges for the child (and the separation issues mentioned for adopted children) would be present.

I don't say this to discourage either approach, just to say that if there are going to be challenges for the child to understand, whose eggs were whose probably isn't going to be relevant until they're old enough to understand the adult motivations and choices anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don't see how eggs donated from the older sister to OP would be any different in the dynamics of giving the child over. Only the legalities would be different; all the social challenges for the child (and the separation issues mentioned for adopted children) would be present.

I don't say this to discourage either approach, just to say that if there are going to be challenges for the child to understand, whose eggs were whose probably isn't going to be relevant until they're old enough to understand the adult motivations and choices anyway.

New poster. I really disagree with the above--being pregnant and giving birth is very different than egg donation emotionally and physically. At a maximum I'd say donate an egg. However, OP, as much as you want to make your sister happy, this can only complicate your life. Imagine how you would feel if she does have your biological child (whichever way you make it happen) and you strongly disagree with a parenting decision she makes. Or if she has trouble taking care of the child on her own. I had a serious struggle with infertility and my path to motherhood was very rocky--but even I knew throughout that just having a child wasn't going to solve my problems and "make me happy". As wonderful and filling as children are--having a baby isn't going to fill all of your sister's voids. Do you think she feels as though having a kid will make her life better and ok? Does she really know what it is to take care of a child 24/7, let alone by herself?

These questions/comments are admittedly influenced by someone I know who desperately, desperately wanted a child and was willing to do so as a single mother. She was 42 at the time and some of her feelings were the same as a teenage girl who has a child because she wants someone to love and someone who will love her--only really has no idea what she's getting into.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't donate eggs or give her your child to adopt. When you have a child it is hard to imagine being able to give it up, even if it is to a sister. The bond you feel for your child is so deep, so soul penetrating, that you may feel the deepest anguish after your decision. And that will cause terrible consequences for everybody.

I encourage your sister to use donor eggs. I bet she'd get pregnant quickly with donor eggs. And I would recommend that she do chinese medicine and acupuncture (at least twice per week). I am 43 and my FSH as well as the number of eggs retrieved has dramatically gone up since I started doing these. Ask her to also read Randine Lewis book (she's with The Fertile Soul).

I know you feel anguish over your sister's despair but don't make such dire decisions over her despair. She has choices - adoption or donor egg or going the chinese medicine route.

[Anonymous]

Op, you sound really great - it's obvious you love your sister so much! I think each pp makes an interesting point. It's funny, at first I was totally on board with you having a child for her, then really liked the idea of you donating eggs, but then I concluded that maybe it's best to let your sister forge her own path and hope that she finds peace with the possibility that she won't conceive/carry a child. Her life can still be so beautiful and happy! (I say this from the perspective of seeking peace in my own heart for this very possibility.)

At any rate - good luck to you both!

[Anonymous]

If you are not in a position to parent and your sister is, what a wonderful thing to do for her and your child. Yes, it will be hard, but know that going into the situation and know you don't have to decide until after you give birth as technically there is no adoption or even major process until after the baby is born and then see how you feel and if it is something you can do and then make the offer to your sister vs. offering now and setting her up to get excited and possibly changing your mind (which is ok as you have that right).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's not a good idea.

First, the only people you have considered are yourself and your sister. What about the child? Does the child matter? How about their feelings?
You see this as a very altruistic act that allows your sister to become a parent. The child is not likely to see that and if they do, it will not be until adulthood.

Adoption is a wonderful thing. I adopted my child but adoption it is not without real and serious implications. There is a huge loss for the child of their biological parents. It doesn't matter how good the intentions of those parents were in their act to place their child in another family it is still a loss for the child.

How about considering surragacy and carrying your sister's genetic child for her?

I think this is the first time on DCUM that someone discussing fertility options has advocated that the best interests of the child be considered. Shocking!

[Anonymous]

I donated eggs when I was in my 30s to a very good friend who I often think of as a sister. She was incredibly grateful and it has worked out really well. I wasn't married at the time and had no kids of my own. I still don't feel like the donated egg is "my kid" -- it is clear that her mom is her mom. I have no feelings of resentment and our relationship has not been affected negatively at all. 2 caveats: she doesn't live nearby so I only see them a few times a year; 2. she hasn't told her daughter yet about the donated egg, so not sure if that will make an impact on the relationship with her daughter.

I think it is very generous for you to think about donating an egg for your sister.