my sister adopt my child?

[Anonymous]

It never fails to amaze me how judgmental and unsupportive some posters on this board can be. As a 42 year old single woman TTC, I find it is so incredibly patronizing for some to suggest that your sister doesn't know what's best for her and that maybe she should just give up the dream of having a child. I, too, have an incredibly close relationship with my sister and she would donate an egg to me in a heartbeat, if that made sense. And that does seem to make a lot more sense than you bearing the child for her to adopt, to me, at least. In our case, that probably doesn't make sense since my sister is older and we are still optimistic that my eggs are okay. But still -- you donating an egg is as close as your sister may come to bearing her own child, genetically, and that is important. I am open to adoption if I can't get pregnant, but if I can have my own child with my own genes, that is the goal and I don't think anyone should have to explain or justify it. Surely there could be complications with parenting decisions, but as the PP who donated an egg to her friend noted (and bravo, PP -- what a loving and kind thing to do!), she doesn't feel torn, presumably since she didn't actually bear the child. I think that you will have to really set some ground rules about not second-guessing parenting decisions, but if you guys are already a bit older, hopefully you have the maturity to navigate those issues. And for my part, again, I will be seeking the support of my sister and her family as I go this route alone. I will want her advice re parenting, although I will of course make final decisions. I am curious as to whether you have kids of your own. Maybe it would help a bit for your sister to know that you have your own family to manage and don't intend to attempt to manage her affairs. But seriously, sisters are the best. The fact that you are considering it is further proof. I think you two can sort this out for a successful outcome. And btw, if you and the child have an especially strong bond, that's great -- and surely your sister would be happy about that, too. We (potential) single moms recognize that it will take a village to raise our kids and I would think other healthy, happy connections for the child are to be encouraged. Good luck with the decision and good luck to your sister.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I don't see how eggs donated from the older sister to OP would be any different in the dynamics of giving the child over. Only the legalities would be different; all the social challenges for the child (and the separation issues mentioned for adopted children) would be present.

I don't say this to discourage either approach, just to say that if there are going to be challenges for the child to understand, whose eggs were whose probably isn't going to be relevant until they're old enough to understand the adult motivations and choices anyway.

New poster. I really disagree with the above--being pregnant and giving birth is very different than egg donation emotionally and physically.

Yes. I was under the impression that in both cases the younger sister would be pregnant, and some were suggesting that the older sister donate her eggs to the younger to make the baby more 'hers.' I may have misinterpreted, but that's what I was speaking to.

And, I reiterate, I'm not for or against either approach necessarily.

[Anonymous]

OP here. I'm a younger sister, only 2 years younger though.

My sister will be a great mom. She's not an insecure person, trying to fill an empty life. She simply someone who wants to be a single mom by choice, a well-grounded, loving woman, who spent a long time dating, then a few years on IVF. Now she's 41 and frightened. I am confident she's an amazing mom, and we are close, but not the kinds to tell each other how to make every decision in each other's lives. She's in NYC area, so not especially near me, not especially far away from me.

I have a husband and a baby. I can't imagine giving up a baby to anyone. But to my sister, it feels different. I trust her ability to create a loving home for a baby, and I understand she will do things different than me. She is my guardian if something horrible happens to my DH and me.

Because I'm 39, it didn't occur to me that donating eggs would be a good choice. As I said, I don't want to offer anything to her until I'm clear what makes sense and not offer anything I can't back up 100%.