How do you react to your kid in ways that don’t make them sad?

[Anonymous]

I have a 9 yo kid who is a bit of a diagnostic challenge but to paint the best picture for the purposes of this question he has adhd (he does) and odd (I don’t necessarily believe in odd but let’s go with that). He is very easily made angry, frustrated or sad. He is on meds (adderall and intuniv). I work so so so so hard at parenting him but I am feeling the strain of the fact that I am not succeeding in achieving his happiness. I def think he needs to do more sports and we need to move so he has more space (tiny 2 br apt). But other than that I don’t know how to parent him for optimum success. He is so ornery and oppositional and emotional so much of the time. We’ve dont pcit, other family therapy, he’s had therapy. I’m just so tired of failing. And I’m starting to look so old and like - it’s just so endless. I have another kid that is so sweet and easy. It’s not even that I want this one to be ‘sweet and easy’. I just want to feel successful at least on some level, some of the time. But short of super human constant unflappable calm - I don’t see a way to win here (as an actual human mom). Any advice welcome!

[Anonymous]

Sounds like my son before he started taking Prozac for anxiety. Almost all of his defiant behavior was due to anxiety. Once I realized that, his behavior became a lot easier to understand.

[Anonymous]

My kid has autism and is incredibly hard to please. (Same age). We're considering meds, though, but I'm struggling to pull the trigger.

My son frequently seems unhappy. Our house bugs him, he often complains he's bored, he doesn't seem to have any friends.

I try to support him, but I no longer assume that it's possible or even my job to make him happy. It's just too high of a bar!

So ask if you're supporting your child and helping him grow up to be more independent. Don't equate success with his happiness. It's just not always possible!

You're not a failure if your kid shows displeasure.

[Anonymous]

I hate to say this, but it may not be possible for you to achieve his happiness. I don’t think that should be your definition of parenting successfully. It might be more realistic if you measure success in terms of helping him be “better.” Ultimately, one person can’t make another person happen, even a mom.

[Anonymous]

Agree that happiness is not the goal here - life is nasty, brutish and short and we have no idea what it will throw at us. Aim for becoming a competent adult.

Having said that, I firmly believe that every kid has strengths as well as weaknesses. You didn't really list those but I say, lean in to his strengths. My kids are all extremely challenging in certain ways but one is brilliant at sports, one is very creative, one loves to bake and organize the house. I try my hardest to find them activities at which they feel they are good so they get external validation.

[Anonymous]

I feel like your title is different from your post. You can’t make your kid happy but you can make them happier about your relationship with them. My child is similar but probably milder case (ODD was thrown around at one point but ultimately discarded). I know my kid gets down about their behavior. But at the end of every day I spend a few minutes with her and try to have a real conversation about whatever she wants. A book, a random topic from school whatever. A few weeks ago we had such an interesting and deep discussion about a random history topic and I just told her I love how her brain works and the way she thinks so deeply about things and I just really think she’s a cool kid. She really lit up and it was such a reminder that there is so much I like about my kid but I forget to verbalize sometimes. I’ve been making an extra effort to do that since.

[Anonymous]

What’s your idea of successful parenting, OP?

[Anonymous]

I have an older kid (in college now) who has always been this way. I feel like I spent so many years (and still do, to some extent) trying to make them happy. And they just aren't--at least not for very long.
Now I've learned that I can suggest things, but I can't MAKE them feel or do anything they don't want to. What I still need help with is not reacting when they complain about their boredom/lack of friends/unhappiness.
(And yes, they're on medication and attend therapy etc.)

[Anonymous]

Look at ADHD rejection sensitivity dysphoria. The littlest sign of disapproval or annoyance from me is something that DS picks up on and interprets as much more serious. We're talking me sighing ove him not eating more veggies at dinner or saying he'll turn off the video game in a little bit. So I tell him my mid annoyance is not a big deal and I still think he's great and I try to spend a lot of time playing with him and listening to him talk about whatever, usually Mine craft. It seems to help a little. But you can't make him happy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have an older kid (in college now) who has always been this way. I feel like I spent so many years (and still do, to some extent) trying to make them happy. And they just aren't--at least not for very long.
Now I've learned that I can suggest things, but I can't MAKE them feel or do anything they don't want to. What I still need help with is not reacting when they complain about their boredom/lack of friends/unhappiness.
(And yes, they're on medication and attend therapy etc.)

This is on point. I've spent years planning, scheduling outings, mini trips, excursions with others...it is downright exhausting. Sometimes I find myself exasperated and just say, I cannot be the provider of everyone's happiness.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I have an older kid (in college now) who has always been this way. I feel like I spent so many years (and still do, to some extent) trying to make them happy. And they just aren't--at least not for very long.
Now I've learned that I can suggest things, but I can't MAKE them feel or do anything they don't want to. What I still need help with is not reacting when they complain about their boredom/lack of friends/unhappiness.
(And yes, they're on medication and attend therapy etc.)

This is on point. I've spent years planning, scheduling outings, mini trips, excursions with others...it is downright exhausting. Sometimes I find myself exasperated and just say, I cannot be the provider of everyone's happiness.

I really feel for you. I am going through something similar with my NT tween and sometimes I let her mood bring me down. But I am trying to do things I find fun for myself. She can be a part of it or not, and sometimes she chooses to and that's lovely, and other times, I get to do something I want to and feel good. We've also been doing a bit of "end the day with 5 good things," and honestly, it's fun for me to do. If this feels like pressure or unfun fr your kid, feel free to discard; it's just a thought.

I think kids can also sense when your happiness is their priority and maybe bristle at it a little? And maybe when they're left to fend for themselves a little more, they'll get creative? I don't know the SFX of the medications you're talking about, or what other meds are out there. Just a hunch!

[Anonymous]

PP--"end the day with 5 good things" meaning, "end the day by listing 5 good things about our day." They can be as big as a test grade or as small as having a good round of a video game.

[Anonymous]

OP, you need to get rid of this idea that you are responsible for his happiness. You are most emphatically NOT. That way lies depression, for you.

Do your best. Instill in ongoing conversations that you also need to look after yourself and your own happiness and health, and can't always be supporting his. The world does not revolve around him. Self-absorption peaks in adolescence, which is why I'm telling you this now, so you can sensitize him.

Is he in therapy or would he agree to go? I don't believe in therapy for everything, but for kids who naturally tend to be oppositional and make it all about them, it can be useful to reset their thoughts and learn that their family members are: A, not out to get them and B: not put on this earth to satisfy their every desire.

[Anonymous]

^ sorry I see he was in therapy. Perhaps you need to find another therapist, one that will work specifically on that issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^ sorry I see he was in therapy. Perhaps you need to find another therapist, one that will work specifically on that issue.

Op - thx. We have been thru many therapists and ds has never opened up to any of them. He will sometimes open up to us. I agree the rsd piece is at play. I just - we spent the weekend with another family whose kid is just - happy. And I can’t help but feel like I completely failed with mine. I don’t think he has clinical depression - he is for sure cranky. But I just felt like - wow I wish my poor kid could feel like this other kid. And btw the mom of the other kid is also very happy and sunny and I am really not like that as a person. Not like I am miserable but I’m a little like maybe Miranda from sex and the city. So I feel somewhat responsible.