Regrets about a third

[Anonymous]

Having regrets about having a third...I'm 25 weeks pregnant with our third child and am very grateful to be pregnant with a healthy baby and at the same time I'm overwhelmed with everything that three will bring. I got pregnant with a third unexpectedly when my second was 12 months and now that my second is 18 months I just have this overwhelming feeling that our family feels complete, that I could be happy with my two babies, and that a third is going to bring a lot of financial pressure and logistical stress that will be really hard on all of us (my husband and I both work and we both need to work). I'm having a lot of regret and I feel guilty because I don't want to feel this way...I'm just really scared. Outside of speaking to a therapist, which I want to start doing, it would be great to hear positive stories from parents of three who felt similarly before having a third...and then had a third and their lives didn't blow up.

[Anonymous]

I was pregnant with my second at 10 months post partum. Obviously not planned, but it has worked out really well that those two children are close in age.

[Anonymous]

For most of history, a family of 5 was by comparison a small family. It doesn’t negate your feelings but I don’t know why you’re hung up on “3 kids”. Unless you’re really paycheck to paycheck and are lower-income (as in, no obvious ways to cut back) I feel like it’s a massively dramatic statement that one child will make “your lives blow up.” First child, yes your lives blow up. After that, the subsequent ones are along for the ride.

[Anonymous]

I think the close age gap will be a bigger issue than having three. It will be a tight couple years at first, probably worth it to splurge on some outside help, but all the families of 3 I know are so happy about the third in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Also best advice I’ve gotten is take it one day at a time. So much changes in young kids in six months at those ages, your family will be very different by then either way.

[Anonymous]

My second was 13 months old when I got pregnant with my third, who is now 18 months. Some days can be very difficult, but it’s easier than I expected in many ways. For me, going from 2 to 3 was far easier than going from 0 to 1. Congratulations and good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For most of history, a family of 5 was by comparison a small family. It doesn’t negate your feelings but I don’t know why you’re hung up on “3 kids”. Unless you’re really paycheck to paycheck and are lower-income (as in, no obvious ways to cut back) I feel like it’s a massively dramatic statement that one child will make “your lives blow up.” First child, yes your lives blow up. After that, the subsequent ones are along for the ride.

Tone down the judgement.

[Anonymous]

We needed fertility treatments to have our first then got unexpectedly pregnant with our second, who was an easy baby and a gift. Then we thought, why not a third? and got pregnant the first try. I spent the whole pregnancy (and some of postpartum) asking myself what had I done. It just seemed like such an impulsive decision, we were going to have three under four, why was I rocking the boat etc etc.

She has been the best addition to our family. The older ones are obsessed with her and we really feel complete. All that to say, it will het better and it will be hard but worth it.

[Anonymous]

Grew up in a family of 5, with the third baby as an "oops" less than 2 years after the second. I'm sure it must have been hectic for my mom to have three kids under 5, but the third was always her favorite. She said she liked having one more chance at babyhood, knowing it was definitely the last and she could savor it.
We only had two kids, but I wish we could have had three. My kids are shy, and I think having another sibling would give them another playmate.

[Anonymous]

I got really nervous with my third, because of the huge age gap between 3 and 2, but then liked 3 so much we had 4.

[Anonymous]

I am so sorry. I'll be honest. This will be hard and could break your marriage. Try to enjoy the calm before the storm.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am so sorry. I'll be honest. This will be hard and could break your marriage. Try to enjoy the calm before the storm.

How is this positive?

[Anonymous]

I think regrets are normal. We tried for years to have our first and then another 18 months for a second. Our insurance options and money ran out and then I got pregnant. After the initial shock and excitement I had an oh crap I’m going to ruin my kid’s life, we’ll have so much less financial freedom, etc. It passed but it still feels scary every so often. It’s a big change so any feelings of apprehension are understandable and probably even normal. Add in some lovely hormones and it’s ten times worse.

[Anonymous]

My spouse is one of three and I love his family dynamic. It's a wonderful lively Thanksgiving table and all three are wonderful in their own ways.

That being said, I would no way in hell have three kids so I totally get it.

Spending $$ on date nights, babysitters, etc. is worth it. Put your marriage first.

[Anonymous]

My husband and I were uncertain about a third a few years ago. We decided to go for it, and I got pregnant but went through two losses back-to-back. It was wrenching but we tried again and finally conceived our third — our 9 month old daughter. My husband and I both work in demanding jobs (though I extended my mat leave to six months), and it’s a lot to juggle, but watching our baby with her two older sisters brings pure joy. Talking with a therapist has been helpful, and it’s understandable to feel trepidation before welcoming a new family member. For us, the good has outweighed the difficulty immeasurably.