Like your best friend? Your child might not be allowed to have one

[Anonymous]

http://www.nytimes.com/2010/06/17/fashion/17BFF.html?pagewanted=1

I think this is outrageous! We are raising kids to be little robots now with no feelings, no individuality, and absolutely no independence. This makes me want to homeschool! (And I'm not that kind of mom).

[Anonymous]

I don't know, I just ignore these articles meant to rile parents up. Just follow the lead of your kid, if they want to surround themselves with a pack then invite the pack over. If they are close and happy with one person, then let them hang out all hours with bff.

I just wish the NYT would focus on more important topics. I understand your frustration, but remember there are lots of different, interesting, complex people out there that you and your kids can connect deeply with if you are open.

[Anonymous]

Eh, it may or may not be outrageous. Not sure if this is all about not having close friends, rather behaving in a way that excludes others while actually in the classroom.

[Anonymous]

Crazy New Yorkers....I would think this is probably just a handful of nutso schools doing this and not most. A best friend is essential when growing up if you're not an extrovert.

[Anonymous]

Having the school pay closer attention to toxic friendships can't be all bad. I think the beginning of that article was inflammatory, and by the end it wasn't so bad.

I had a toxic friend for years. Still recovering. I don't believe the school should have had a micromanaging role, but pretending that social abuse isn't happening isn't the right approach, either.

My brother had a best friend who was not toxic - their relationship would have withstood the scrutiny of the schools in the article.

I'm more upset that tag was banned at my son's school playground than I am about anything in this article.

[Anonymous]

I can't imagine not being allowed to have a best friend! Actually, when I was in school, it seemed to be the large groups of friends who used to pick on other people. So I am not quite sure how this makes sense.

[Anonymous]

My mother went to school in Europe in a convent, and they made the girls rotate every month so they could never have a best friend. My mother makes acquaintances easily but never has really close friends to this day.

[Anonymous]

A received the article from an alert reader response to my recent blog entry about best friends and was absolutely stunned and horrified. So was the reader who sent it. It was really strange to read it on the same day I wrote this:

http://adequateparenting.com/?p=342

[Anonymous]

Just sent my best friend this article and a note, "I'm so glad our parents and teachers weren't idiots like these people."

The school is overstepping it's bounds. It's one thing if a pair is being disruptive to the learning process or predatory to another student. But outside of that - they need to let kids have the friends they want.

A big group of friends is nice -- having one or two through thick and thin is better.

[Anonymous]

I thought this was a good point in the article: "If children’s friendships are choreographed and sanitized by adults, the argument goes, how is a child to prepare emotionally for both the affection and rejection likely to come later in life?" I can understand intervening with toxic friendships, insofar as adults empower and coach children to set boundaries and stand up for themselves, but I agree with PPs - it's often the large groups that bully and the best friend is the one person a kid can turn to when s/he's the victim of bullying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A received the article from an alert reader response to my recent blog entry about best friends and was absolutely stunned and horrified. So was the reader who sent it. It was really strange to read it on the same day I wrote this:

http://adequateparenting.com/?p=342

You thought there might be a link between your annoyance with breast pumps and best friends? Or did you link to the wrong post?

[Anonymous]

This article is very "off the mark". It's never that black and white. You can have a best friend, several close friends and a larger group of friends all at the same time, so I don't know what the big deal is.

[Anonymous]

it's often the large groups that bully and the best friend is the one person a kid can turn to when s/he's the victim of bullying.

This was my personal experience in junior high. We're still BFFs in our 40s.

[Anonymous]

I think childhood relationships teach us how to manage relationships in adulthood. I don't think limiting friendships is going to improve the divorce rate as kids get older. It is a shame to rob them of the chance to practice an essential life skill.

[Anonymous]

I didn't find the article inflammatory. Excluding is bullying, and schools do have an obligation to prevent children from being excluded. My DD has a pack of friends she hangs around with at school, and two "best friends" she hangs around with at home. Her school does not allow exclusion and encourages everyone to be friendly with everyone else, but she certainly favors some friends over others. I don't see any problem with adults intervening to keep kids from becoming too dependent upon a single friendship. I have a friend who was devastated in 3rd grade when her best friend moved away. She had NO other close friends, was so lonely that she ate herself into a nearly obese child. It was very sad. She still mentions it to this day. I think she would have been well-served by adults intervening and introducing her to a larger circle of friendships.