Maintaining relationship with XIL’s/grandparents

[Anonymous]

I’ve posted before that my husband and I are recently separated and I’m informally supervising his visiting the kids in our home. He’s an alcoholic, in recovery now, but has driven drunk with them, broken things in the house in anger, got in a street fight. Kids are 4 and 7 and I haven’t yet decided whether I want to divorce, hence the separation while he works on staying sober and I have some space.

Anyway, his parents live out of state. For a variety of reasons that have nothing to do with me, we haven’t seen them in almost a year. We were finally supposed to go in January, which was cancelled because he was in inpatient treatment. We had to reschedule instead of cancel the tickets so rescheduled to April. I don’t want to go for 2 reasons. One, there’s not any easy way for us to sleep separately or have space from each other visiting his parents. Two, there is alcohol everywhere at his parents house. Bar on the main floor and bar in the basement, lots of drinking in the family. His relationship with his parents is really triggering. I think there’s high relapse potential. He doesn’t think any of that is an issue, which is more concerning to me. But the kids love and miss their grandparents and their grandparents love and miss them. I like my ILs and want them to have a relationship with the kids.

I asked if we could fly his parents here to see the kids. He doesn’t want to do that while we’re separated. I want the kids to see their grandparents. I’d even be happy to take the kids to visit without him. I think he thinks he’ll move back in a month or two and everything will be back to normal.

For divorced/separated families where one parent is not really in the picture, how do you maintain a relationship with that parent’s family?

[Anonymous]

Op again. I’m also thinking about calling my MIL to talk to her about it, but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.

[Anonymous]

Please clarify: These are HIS children? If so, does the kid’s birth mother want her kids around alcoholic dad and okay with you leaving town? How long has your husband been in recovery? Are grandparents aware that your husband is in recovery? Honestly, a trip to visit people (while separated) seems like more than you should take on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Please clarify: These are HIS children? If so, does the kid’s birth mother want her kids around alcoholic dad and okay with you leaving town? How long has your husband been in recovery? Are grandparents aware that your husband is in recovery? Honestly, a trip to visit people (while separated) seems like more than you should take on.

These questions make no sense. Birth mother?


OP, I’d wait. See how things go over the next couple of months. Once you have clarity in the future of the relationship, it will be easier to figure out how to handle. I would not bring his mom into it for now while things are still up in the air.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Please clarify: These are HIS children? If so, does the kid’s birth mother want her kids around alcoholic dad and okay with you leaving town? How long has your husband been in recovery? Are grandparents aware that your husband is in recovery? Honestly, a trip to visit people (while separated) seems like more than you should take on.

These questions make no sense. Birth mother?


OP, I’d wait. See how things go over the next couple of months. Once you have clarity in the future of the relationship, it will be easier to figure out how to handle. I would not bring his mom into it for now while things are still up in the air.

Op here. Thanks. I feel bad because they want to see each other and it feels like I’m in the way of that, though I’m in the way because he’s proven to be unsafe. But wait and see is probably the best for this just like everyone else right now.

To the PP, the kids are mine and my husbands. There are no other parents involved. He’s been sober a couple of months - which is great, but no where near long enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’ve posted before that my husband and I are recently separated and I’m informally supervising his visiting the kids in our home. He’s an alcoholic, in recovery now, but has driven drunk with them, broken things in the house in anger, got in a street fight. Kids are 4 and 7 and I haven’t yet decided whether I want to divorce, hence the separation while he works on staying sober and I have some space.

Anyway, his parents live out of state. For a variety of reasons that have nothing to do with me, we haven’t seen them in almost a year. We were finally supposed to go in January, which was cancelled because he was in inpatient treatment. We had to reschedule instead of cancel the tickets so rescheduled to April. I don’t want to go for 2 reasons. One, there’s not any easy way for us to sleep separately or have space from each other visiting his parents. Two, there is alcohol everywhere at his parents house. Bar on the main floor and bar in the basement, lots of drinking in the family. His relationship with his parents is really triggering. I think there’s high relapse potential. He doesn’t think any of that is an issue, which is more concerning to me. But the kids love and miss their grandparents and their grandparents love and miss them. I like my ILs and want them to have a relationship with the kids.

I asked if we could fly his parents here to see the kids. He doesn’t want to do that while we’re separated. I want the kids to see their grandparents. I’d even be happy to take the kids to visit without him. I think he thinks he’ll move back in a month or two and everything will be back to normal.

For divorced/separated families where one parent is not really in the picture, how do you maintain a relationship with that parent’s family?

Why doesn't he want to fly out IL while you're separated? Has he not told them? Do they know he's in recovery? He can't expect you to go visit and pretend everything is hunky dory.

For divorced couples, he'd just fly to the ILs with them on his week and you wouldn't be involved. It sounds like you don't trust him to do that now, but that's exactly what will happen if you're divorced and he has at least partial custody.

[Anonymous]

ILs should fly to you and stay in a hotel and visit however much they want. Kids could visit in their hotel perhaps - especially if there's a pool, or you can all go to
a park or something. Staying with you, without him in the home, would be awkward for sure. But no reason they can't visit and he can join.

[Anonymous]

Why can't you take the kids to visit his parents without your husband? You don't have to stay in the house. Much easier to control than you flying them to you. You visit during the day, you leave when you're ready. The better things go, the longer you and the kids stay each day. Or you leave the kids with them for a few hours and go do your own thing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ILs should fly to you and stay in a hotel and visit however much they want. Kids could visit in their hotel perhaps - especially if there's a pool, or you can all go to
a park or something. Staying with you, without him in the home, would be awkward for sure. But no reason they can't visit and he can join.

He doesn’t want to do that and they are his parents. While everyone involved is an adult, so don’t need his permission, I think that asking his parents to visit after he said he doesn’t want to do that is adding needless drama to a difficult situation. Presumably the trial separation means there is still some hope for reconciliation, so why add more issues to this time? It’s unfortunate for the kids, but I think that is an issue of the uncertainty surrounding the current situation. I think it’s hard for kids to live in uncertainty (are they going to get divorced; will dad come back, will we have to move, etc.). Work on figuring that out first.

[Anonymous]

OP, it's simple. If the kids are asking to see their father's parents, you need to make it happen unless you are convinced that it can't be done safely. That, to me, means you bring them to them if your husband isn't in a position to do so himself. That's the "adult" thing to do. Put the kids first.

[Anonymous]

It’s not your job to police environments that you think may or may not be good for his recovery. Focus on the children only. If you don’t want to take them then let him take them himself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not your job to police environments that you think may or may not be good for his recovery. Focus on the children only. If you don’t want to take them then let him take them himself.

This guy has driven drunk with them, and is barely sober. No, he shouldn’t take them himself.

OP, I think you not being sure about divorce makes this decision hard. If you’re leaning toward staying, then go on the trip and just act normally. If not,maybe tell mil why you’re not going. Have you consulted an attorney? You should, you may need to document some things he’s done , to protect the kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s not your job to police environments that you think may or may not be good for his recovery. Focus on the children only. If you don’t want to take them then let him take them himself.

This guy has driven drunk with them, and is barely sober. No, he shouldn’t take them himself.

OP, I think you not being sure about divorce makes this decision hard. If you’re leaning toward staying, then go on the trip and just act normally. If not,maybe tell mil why you’re not going. Have you consulted an attorney? You should, you may need to document some things he’s done , to protect the kids.

They are still his children and OP can’t keep him from taking them to see their grandparents. He is currently sober and presents no danger, especially if 2 other adults will be in the home. OP is the one causing an issue here- she needs to suck it up and go along or realize he can take them himself. I assume he’s flying so driving won’t be an issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It’s not your job to police environments that you think may or may not be good for his recovery. Focus on the children only. If you don’t want to take them then let him take them himself.

I'm not OP, but my kids also have an unstable other parent who can present danger to them. I have custody. It is my job to make sure that my kids are in safe environments, and if someone is going to be present who has a history of destabilizing my ex, then I'm not going to allow them to be there. That doesn't mean that his behavior is my responsibility, but protecting my kids from his behavior is my responsibility.

Now, one question here would be whether there are any court orders regarding custody and visitation in this case. It isn't clear to me from the OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op again. I’m also thinking about calling my MIL to talk to her about it, but I’m not sure if that’s a good idea.

It was up to my ex to maintain or not, a relationship between our kids and his side of the family.