Teen son is struggling, but being so awful

[Anonymous]

My teen son has fairly severe ADHD, anxiety, and depression. He does have some friends, but is also being treated poorly by a few other kids at school. I get that this is really hard, but I'm really struggling with how rude and awful he is being to his father and I most of the time. For example, he yelled at me about the fact that, on a plate I served him, the chicken was touching the rice. If we ask him anything about school, sports, his response is "I dunno," and a shrug. He does have a girlfriend, and is constantly texting with her. Any time we ask him to put the phone down, he rolls his eyes at us.

I get that he is having a hard time, but am finding it really hard to deal with the fact that he is almost never nice to interact with.

Anyone dealt with this successfully? If so, how? I could certainly take away the phone, but don't want to do that since his girlfriend is overall a positive social connection for him, and he seems to rely on her for emotional support.

[Anonymous]

That sounds really within the norm of teens. By awful on this board you usually read about kids breaking things and screaming curse words at their parents, running away, hitting people, etc.

Can you set aside an hour a day like dinnertime when there are no phones and you have to do a family activity where he's forced to interact with you?

[Anonymous]

Regarding his meal complaint, you have 2 options. After a snippy attitude, I would remind him to ask in a nicer way and wait for him to re-phrase. Or, you could have removed the plate, return the food to where it came from, placed the dish in the dishwasher and told him to do it himself. For a teenager, chicken touching rice doesn’t give him the right to be disrespectful.

[Anonymous]

First off, remain as calm as can be. It helps show him you are in charge, but also may help him calm himself.

Does he have OCD? Is he wired in such a way where it has taken work for him to deal with food touching? If so, understand when stressed sometimes they regress with issues they used to be able to manage. Not OK to yell, but may be easier to talk about that when he is calmer. If it's not wiring, then it's ridiculous, but a signal something is up. Does he take meds like adderall? If so, do you monitor? Some teens are just not ready to be in charge of their own meds and taking too much adderall can make a person a volatile mess. I might calmly open it up to him for solutions. "Would you like to serve yourself next time?" "Is this really about the rice and chicken or are you just stressed out right now?"

I would set up new rules and regulations for phones in the home for him and just calmly present the new system. You could even have a program where he can earn more phone time if he shows maturity with x, y,z.

Being a teen is hard and being a teen with those issues is harder. It doesn't excuse bad behavior. However, behavior may be communicating he is struggling.I would keep trying to to find ways to connect and have him open up. Is there an activity you like to do together or that he would be OK with you joining him with like shooting baskets, lifting weights, playing a video game? Sometimes it's easier to get them talking while doing something like that. obviously don't do these things right after he is rude, but just in general to see if you can find some doors to open to get him sharing more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:That sounds really within the norm of teens. By awful on this board you usually read about kids breaking things and screaming curse words at their parents, running away, hitting people, etc.

Can you set aside an hour a day like dinnertime when there are no phones and you have to do a family activity where he's forced to interact with you?

I agree with having more boundaries with phones and I know you didn't mean it this way, but there is no "forced to interact with you" especially with a teen. You need to find ways to try to connect, but even if without the phone, if he remains silent I would not force anything. (Again, I know it's just language, but I just think we have to be careful how we think about these things.) Sometimes humor is a good way to get in there and connect. It's really annoying to hear the "I dunnos" but you have a better chance of turning that around by reaching him through humor, shared activities, etc than by insisting there be conversation when you want it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Regarding his meal complaint, you have 2 options. After a snippy attitude, I would remind him to ask in a nicer way and wait for him to re-phrase. Or, you could have removed the plate, return the food to where it came from, placed the dish in the dishwasher and told him to do it himself. For a teenager, chicken touching rice doesn’t give him the right to be disrespectful.

Yep. I have a teen like this and when he ventures to complain, I tell him to get his own food. You don't snip at someone who is serving you, especially when you should be fixing your own damn plate.

[Anonymous]

My advice is treat your teen boy the way you would a stray dog you are trying to befriend. Look for things that might make him smile or interests that he has that you can share. Building connection with him will result in more influence and his treating you better.

Saying "Hey, sweetie - I didn't realize you would be bothered by chicken and rice touching and by the way, I would appreciate it if you could speak to me in a nicer way," is a better route than being reactive yourself and "punishing" him.

Try empathy and connection and help him see you are on his team.

Also, sometimes teens lash out at parents because we are "safe" and they know we will still love them. Doesn't make it right or pleasant but helps you not to take it so personally.

[Anonymous]

Does he have OCD? Is he wired in such a way where it has taken work for him to deal with food touching? If so, understand when stressed sometimes they regress with issues they used to be able to manage.

Thank you. He does not generally have OCD, but has many issues with food - he is an extremely selective eater (although the nutrition quality of what he eats, such as chicken rice, some veggies, vanilla yougurt etc. - is reasonable), and has has historically been concerned about food touching other food. He is also so sensitive to mild differences in taste that he can tell when frozen carrots are a brand other than Harris Teeter - without seeing the bag. Since he has so many other issues, we have not really focused on it.

[Anonymous]

He's got a lot going on with his brain. It feels awful to be on the receiving end, but the more dispassionate you can be, the better. It's fighting our own nature, but the more you can do it, the better it will be.

You don't need to let him off the hook for his behavior, but don't make it personal and don't escalate it by dumping his plate.

Look for ways to connect without pressure--a TV show, talking in the car (places where eye contact is not required).

I second the rec to look at OCD a possibility--a lot of crossover with the other stuff he's got going on, and a lot of anger can come from anxiety/OCD.

Good luck OP--it sucks, but this too shall pass.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Does he have OCD? Is he wired in such a way where it has taken work for him to deal with food touching? If so, understand when stressed sometimes they regress with issues they used to be able to manage.

Thank you. He does not generally have OCD, but has many issues with food - he is an extremely selective eater (although the nutrition quality of what he eats, such as chicken rice, some veggies, vanilla yougurt etc. - is reasonable), and has has historically been concerned about food touching other food. He is also so sensitive to mild differences in taste that he can tell when frozen carrots are a brand other than Harris Teeter - without seeing the bag. Since he has so many other issues, we have not really focused on it.

Just want to say I have an 11 year old DD like this and wanted to pass on a solidarity hug.

[Anonymous]

What we have done is explain to my DC that we understand they are upset and irritated, but we will no longer interact when they use angry aggressive language. (Be more specific if you can - swearing, yelling, etc.) And then we completely ignored anything that was not said in a kind and calm voice. Like we didn’t even hear it. Be prepared for some escalation and have a plan of removing yourself if you need to. As soon as he uses a calm voice, immediately respond. Repeat every single time and it actually will get better.

One of the things that escalated language passes on is a huge sense of urgency which makes you feel like you have to do whatever or answer whatever immediately. I had to remind myself over and over that this sense of urgency is totally false and it was ok to wait until the anger/anxiety/whatever was better managed for a more respectful conversation.

[Anonymous]

I want to share that my now 16 YO ADHD / Anxiety teen has been like that - and this year is a new kid. Junior year has been a little easier and it takes a little off their system. I have had multiple family members comment on the difference from a year ago. We make a concerted effort for connection and not always talking about what needs to get done / is behind in.

[Anonymous]

Is he medicated for anxiety? That was a big help to us.