Always the peacemaker

[Anonymous]

I have a college kid who is always the one asked to make concessions for others. From the time she was young, she was always the one paired with the odd one out for activities. She was the one asked to take the least desirable thing because she was seen as flexible and easy-going. Now she’s in college and she’s sick of it - yet it continues to happen over and over again. Complaining gets her lectured on being a good sport and a team player. Short of bailing out (which then takes her out of her favorite activities which is not fair) what are other options? This time it’s a trip and she’s in a forced triple hotel room each day with two freshmen while all the other upperclassmen are paired with friends. She asked - tripling aside - why it couldn't even be a triple of her friends. She was told they’re trying to make things “inclusive with no cliques.” So now $$ later she’ll be having a crappy trip because she’s the lone person needing to be “accommodating.” I guess I’m more venting than needing advice. Sad to hear my non-complainer just fed up.

[Anonymous]

At this point, OP, it's on her. I was an accommodating socially anxious people-pleaser for decades, and am still, just not as much. I always knew it was on me to speak out, on me to be a little unpleasant, that it was OK to not be liked by all, etc... And I even knew that some people would respect me more if I spoke up. But I didn't. I wasn't ready. I started in my late 20s when I had my first child and I decided I had to model assertiveness.

So you need to help her along, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have a college kid who is always the one asked to make concessions for others. From the time she was young, she was always the one paired with the odd one out for activities. She was the one asked to take the least desirable thing because she was seen as flexible and easy-going. Now she’s in college and she’s sick of it - yet it continues to happen over and over again. Complaining gets her lectured on being a good sport and a team player. Short of bailing out (which then takes her out of her favorite activities which is not fair) what are other options? This time it’s a trip and she’s in a forced triple hotel room each day with two freshmen while all the other upperclassmen are paired with friends. She asked - tripling aside - why it couldn't even be a triple of her friends. She was told they’re trying to make things “inclusive with no cliques.” So now $$ later she’ll be having a crappy trip because she’s the lone person needing to be “accommodating.” I guess I’m more venting than needing advice. Sad to hear my non-complainer just fed up.

I was your daughter. Is she a middle child? I was the peacemaker in a family where there were needier/more demanding siblings above and below me. Parents were unhappy in their marriage. It's usually a learned survival strategy. Married another peacemaker and we do our best to be considerate of each other and raise our kids not to be doormats.

[Anonymous]

OP, it kinda seems like you know too much. Are hearing too much. It might be, she talks to you about it, vents, and then that's enough for her.

Maybe being made, staying mad and enacting some change would be better. And will eventually happen.