Elderly mom's poor judgment - what can I do?

[Anonymous]

My mom is in her 70s and has a family history of dementia. I am starting to notice signs of mental decline. For example we are struggling right now to plan a trip with her, and she keeps confusing the names of cities that start with the same letter. She decides how far destinations are from each other based on what she wants the answer to be, rather than looking at a map or listening to me tell her. She makes large, ill-advised purchases, and is paranoid that someone will take advantage of her. Sometimes she calls up my sister and says mean things.

But, I struggle to articulate how this is different from her "regular" issues, even though it feels very different. For example, she has always engaged in magical thinking, and always had a bumpy relationship with my sister. Her financial priorities have always been different from mine. It's hard to point to a really clear line between her normal behavior and what I now think is diminished judgment.

She and my dad live on the opposite coast from me and my sister. Dad seems to be sharp (and has a family history of remaining sharp into old age) but she is the dominant force in their relationship and makes all the decisions. She is extremely defensive about her mental abilities and does not want to discuss any decline.

Is there anything I can do here? Are there any clear thresholds that I can establish now, that would make me try to get a doctor or relative to step in?

[Anonymous]

There's no magic wand and you may endure a lot of denial and backlash, but remind yourself you are trying to protect both of them.

*Try talking to dad to get a sense of if he is in reality or denial. You might be able to come up with a plan together.

**Get the names of her doctors and call them and share your concerns. They can't call you back, but it will be documented and there will be follow up at the next checkup.

[Anonymous]

I think it's important that you talk with your father and get aligned on what's happening with your mother. Tell him what you're seeing and ask him what he sees. It's important to listen to him and become partners in your mother's care.

This may take several conversations and don't force your assumptions or wishes on him. The most important thing you can do is support him in caring for your mom.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think it's important that you talk with your father and get aligned on what's happening with your mother. Tell him what you're seeing and ask him what he sees. It's important to listen to him and become partners in your mother's care.

This may take several conversations and don't force your assumptions or wishes on him. The most important thing you can do is support him in caring for your mom.

This is the ideal, of course. However, don't be surprised if he is deep in denial. My other parent and siblings were, one was doctor. Thank goodness the PCP listened because it wasn't even early stage-that's how bad the denial was.

My friend's dad was no longer safe to drive, but the mom was in denial. He got into a car accident and wrecked the car and claimed it was the other driver's fault. The insurance companies got involved and somehow his insurance had to pay all damages for both parties, yet the parents still claimed dad was not at fault. He even purchased a new fancy car for way above what it should cost because both parents were losing it and the salesman saw an opportunity. They got the police and DMV involved, but nothing happens quickly. He wrecked the new car within a week.

[Anonymous]

My MIL has dementia and also always was a fuzzy thinker, even in her earlier days—I honestly think they are connected and the magical/illogical thinking is a sign of future dementia.

[Anonymous]

Bolster your Father. If you haven't already, have some phone calls with just him. Deepen that relationship. For many reasons, good reasons. But also because the family *may* need to step-in, sometime, and override her - tell her how it's going to be.

[Anonymous]

Can you be put on their accounts and have access to at least see what's happening?

My mom was never great at these things, but during COVID, she really declined and we didnt know since we were not traveling. She was essentially scammed out of almost 200k and let the long term care policy she paid into for 25 years lapse (and now she needs it). I now manage her finances, but if I had been able to monitor earlier we could have caught these things. Maybe your dad can give you access? LIke, in case of an emergency, both medical and financial POA.