Consoling estranged parent after other parent’s death

[Anonymous]

My dad just died. He was an amazing father. My parents have been married 50 years so this will be hard for my mom. I have not spoken to my mom (except for transactions involving my father’s care) in months because she is emotionally abusive, narcissistic and has treated everyone around her horribly her entire life. I have been kind/civil to her on the days since my dad died, including physical affection (forced myself). . But I am finding it difficult now to engage with her, even though I know that is what she wants and needs. I have a physical aversion and mental block when I think about spending time with her. I do think comforting and supporting her through this time is the right thing to do, and I should try. But I just don’t want to talk to her, or hug her or spend time with her, based on the last several toxic outbursts she had towards me (before dad died). She said horrible things to me (name calling, guilting, manipulating) and even said she wished my debilitated, chronically ill father would “die already” so she could be free. (I know she didn’t mean this as she was otherwise very loving to him, but I can’t get the words out of my head). She has had this pattern of abusive behavior for years and expects I will always just take it and get over it. She never apologized or admits she behaved badly. I guess I’m also worried that if I stand with her now, the abuse will start again or even be worse. But I also feel guilty thinking about not being there for her. Any advice?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My dad just died. He was an amazing father. My parents have been married 50 years so this will be hard for my mom. I have not spoken to my mom (except for transactions involving my father’s care) in months because she is emotionally abusive, narcissistic and has treated everyone around her horribly her entire life. I have been kind/civil to her on the days since my dad died, including physical affection (forced myself). . But I am finding it difficult now to engage with her, even though I know that is what she wants and needs. I have a physical aversion and mental block when I think about spending time with her. I do think comforting and supporting her through this time is the right thing to do, and I should try. But I just don’t want to talk to her, or hug her or spend time with her, based on the last several toxic outbursts she had towards me (before dad died). She said horrible things to me (name calling, guilting, manipulating) and even said she wished my debilitated, chronically ill father would “die already” so she could be free. (I know she didn’t mean this as she was otherwise very loving to him, but I can’t get the words out of my head). She has had this pattern of abusive behavior for years and expects I will always just take it and get over it. She never apologized or admits she behaved badly. I guess I’m also worried that if I stand with her now, the abuse will start again or even be worse. But I also feel guilty thinking about not being there for her. Any advice?

I relate so much. Wish we could meet for coffee. My mom kept threatening to either divorce or murder dad when he was ill. I spent my whole life being mom's emotional dumping ground. Finally, with therapy I stopped. She felt entitled to be particularly awful as widow. Here's the deal though. You lost someone too and you get to grieve. Just because she is mom doesn't mean she is entitled to you being her emotional support person as she treats you poorly. You don't have to take abusive behavior and excuse it. You can set limits. Every time I tried to do what i thought was the right thing, the abuse came back. There are support groups. There are therapists. Perhaps she has some friends or family who check on her? Not your problem. Not your problem if she is too special for support groups of therapists. I did fell i needed to take the high road even when she didn't so I am polite. i don't hurl insults back when she insults me, but I end the conversation. The one time I totally lost it and gave her a piece of my mind she couldn't take it. She can dish, dish, dish, but cannot take. Mine never apologizes either. It used to upset me so much, but now I prefer it. If she apologized genuinely I would definitely get sucked back into the cycle of abuse because it would mean that maybe there was a decent person there and it would spark my rescue of somehow having things be better. The more I faced my own stressors, the easier it got to detach and not feel guilty.

[Anonymous]

I agree with PP. My mom was this way too. Tried many times to set limits but was walked all over anyways time and time again and she would unload all her endless negativity onto me and my sibling.

Your mom probably needs to go to or find someone she respects for emotional support during this time.

[Anonymous]

You don't owe her emotional support because her spouse died -- she sounds like a terrible person.

Also, I think your dad bears responsibility here for enabling her toxic behavior towards you. He can't possibly have been unaware of it, but he stayed married to her and at a minimum enabled her behavior towards you. I realize he's dead (and I'm very sorry for your loss), but he can't have been 100% the good guy if he put up with her abusive behavior towards you for years.

It truly is OK not to be there for her. You don't owe her. You need to focus on your own grief and mourning and your own emotional wellbeing. She needs to find her emotional support somewhere else, whether that's therapy or friends.

[Anonymous]

Can you arrange nice things for her, without delivering them yourself.

Whether that be visits with a friend? Support group? Housekeeper or online activities (art classes or book clubs)?

So you are being kind and reaching out, but not putting yourself in a position to be abused.

[Anonymous]

I will add that its also okay to be there for her. She gave you life and she supported your dad.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You don't owe her emotional support because her spouse died -- she sounds like a terrible person.

Also, I think your dad bears responsibility here for enabling her toxic behavior towards you. He can't possibly have been unaware of it, but he stayed married to her and at a minimum enabled her behavior towards you. I realize he's dead (and I'm very sorry for your loss), but he can't have been 100% the good guy if he put up with her abusive behavior towards you for years.

It truly is OK not to be there for her. You don't owe her. You need to focus on your own grief and mourning and your own emotional wellbeing. She needs to find her emotional support somewhere else, whether that's therapy or friends.

This is what I think too and was going to say. I have these exact parents. Boundaries with mom are ok. You don't have to be there for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will add that its also okay to be there for her. She gave you life and she supported your dad.

Here it is. OP grew up with an abusive woman and you think OP owes her because that woman had sex and gave birth to OP. You chose to keep a child and you need to do right by that child. OP supported her dad too.

That said, from my own experience trying to be there for an abusive mother, these types rarely want support groups and in our case she already had a house keeper several times a week and many indulgences. Mine was all about spending money on her daily self-care yet was still just a miserable person.

Boundaries OP. Sure find support groups, etc for her, but don't be surprised if she is too special for that sort of thing.