Reply to Consoling estranged parent after other parent’s death

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[quote=Anonymous]My dad just died. He was an amazing father. My parents have been married 50 years so this will be hard for my mom. I have not spoken to my mom (except for transactions involving my father’s care) in months because she is emotionally abusive, narcissistic and has treated everyone around her horribly her entire life. I have been kind/civil to her on the days since my dad died, including physical affection (forced myself). . But I am finding it difficult now to engage with her, even though I know that is what she wants and needs. I have a physical aversion and mental block when I think about spending time with her. I do think comforting and supporting her through this time is the right thing to do, and I should try. But I just don’t want to talk to her, or hug her or spend time with her, based on the last several toxic outbursts she had towards me (before dad died). She said horrible things to me (name calling, guilting, manipulating) and even said she wished my debilitated, chronically ill father would “die already” so she could be free. (I know she didn’t mean this as she was otherwise very loving to him, but I can’t get the words out of my head). She has had this  pattern of abusive behavior for years and expects I will always just take it and get over it. She never apologized or admits she behaved badly. I guess I’m also worried that if I stand with her now, the abuse will start again or even be worse. But I also feel guilty thinking about not being there for her. Any advice? [/quote]

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