Do you punish kids for behavior that is related to adhd?

[Anonymous]

Today, I told my 6.5 year old that, if I had to remind her again to continue getting dressed, there would be a consequence. I had her full attention, and I told her what I meant by “get dressed”—ie shirt, pants and socks on. She has a chart by her door with pictures showing the step for getting dressed and we use timers. I do all the things. The next time I came into the room, she was playing with a toy and her shirt was still on the floor. I imposed a mild consequence (the toy was taken away and she won’t get it back until tomorrow). She’s sensitive, so getting in trouble is a big deal to her even if the consequence is small.

On the one hand, I need something that will help her remember to follow directions—ie. I’m hoping that the next time she’s in a similar situation (getting dressed and tempted by distracting toys), she’ll remember that I took away her toy and the unpleasant memory will help motivate her to stay focused. On the other hand, I feel badly about punishing her for adhd symptoms. Once her meds kick in, which is after she needs to be dressed, she’s more likely to follow directions. Do you punish your kids for adhd behaviors—losing stuff, failure to operated on a timeline, etc.?

[Anonymous]

No I don't.

For your situation, I would have her dress in the bathroom with no distractions.

[Anonymous]

Yes, I impose consequences. Natural consequences would be best.

[Anonymous]

Instead I do rewards for being done on time.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t keep toys in her bedroom if she’s that distracted.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Yes, I impose consequences. Natural consequences would be best.

This. But at 6, why can’t she have her meds immediately upon wake up and then dress later?

[Anonymous]

I just take away whatever the thing is that's distracting her. Because it's distracting her. Totally logical consequence, not intended to be punitive.

[Anonymous]

Sometimes, yes, sometimes no. But we switched DS to a combo stimulant non-stimulant medication set up, and it means he's got a bit of adhd meds in him all the time, and it's so much better than the roller coaster of stimulants only.

[Anonymous]

Of course not. We don’t punish at all for anything that could result from ADHD. We have it written into his IEP no punishments either at school. We just let him lead. If it takes longer, so be it. Life isn’t a race.

[Anonymous]

I would challenge your kid every month or two, to see if previously uncontrollable behavior can now be controlled. Kids will keep all crutches as long as possible, so I’d definitely test them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Of course not. We don’t punish at all for anything that could result from ADHD. We have it written into his IEP no punishments either at school. We just let him lead. If it takes longer, so be it. Life isn’t a race.

I am not a proponent of punishment but do you do natural consequences? Because if you are rescuing him from the consequences of his ADHD and are also limiting the ability of others to punish, you may be making it worse for him.

The truth is that in life, there will be consequences for ADHD. It's really important to be supportive and understanding of him and work with him to help him meet expectations, and to never make him feel like his ADHD makes him unloved. But if you try to protect him from all consequences, it's going to be nearly impossible for him to function as an adult. He will expect people to accommodate his ADHD at all times and they won't. He will also be very disappointed (and likely hurt) to discover that many people will dislike him for ADHD behaviors.

I don't say this to be harsh. But you need to be realistic about the expectations you are creating in him. There will be consequences for eventually. Best to help him understand those consequences now so that he begins to develop coping skills. You will not be there forever.

[Anonymous]

We don’t punish, instead have small incentives for getting ready by a certain time (get to choose music in the car). We do have natural consequences for safety or property things (like earlier today, told a ball was too heavy to be thrown in trh house could only be rolled or bounced, threw again, ball had to go up) but we stay calm if at all possible and try not to make it a big thing.

[Anonymous]

I try to keep my own consequences pretty short-term because ADHD kids think short-term. But not having toys in her getting-dressed area is a reasonable parenting choice that you might make to help her focus. You're modeling for her how to create a distraction-free environment for getting a task done, like how I keep my desk clean at work.

I definitely do let natural consequences play out. If she takes forever to get dressed and we're late to a birthday and miss the pizza, well, I'm going to let that play out. Because it is important to learn these lessons, even if you have ADHD, as long as the stakes are small and age-appropriate.

[Anonymous]

I view this sort of thing as a teaching moment (or teaching obligation). Since you can’t do this alone, I’m going to give you a clipboard with a checklist (pictures if not yet reading) and you can sit with me in my bathroom and get ready. Once you’re consistent, we’ll try to transition you to your room - slowly, like going there to do shoes only. I didn’t do punishment or reward.

[Anonymous]

Punish is the wrong word but mild consequences that are more like reminders. My kid is now a teen and I frequently take his phone until he does xyz. It’s a constant reminder to do what he needs to do since he wants his cell. He still often forgets and I take it until it’s done (garbage, laundry, hw).

In your situation I would take the favorite toy until she’s dressed. She gets the toy after her clothes are on.