Did you or plan to tell your children they were conceived via IVF?

[Anonymous]

DS is in family life at school and said something in passing about how babies are conceived and assumes he was conceived the "traditional" way. Do we just continue to let him think that? Does it matter? We never told him how they were conceived. No particular reason why. It just never came up as a natural part of conversation. I'm of the opinion that we should tell him but DH doesn't think it's anything that needs to be disclosed. The only issue I see potentially coming up in the future is if DS has a difficult time conceiving. Our RE did mention that because our issue was with DH's fertility that could potentially be passed on to the son. Was anyone else told this by their RE?

[Anonymous]

I'm in a different boat (donor sperm was used in the conception of my children) so we're starting to bring up how they were conceived already as really little kids so their teen years don't bring any scary surprises. I think in your case there was no reason to bring it up earlier but now that it's come up organically as it were I would introduce the concept of infertility into your sex talks with your son and at some point mention that it affected you guys leading you to use IVF. I'm all for de-stigmatization of fertility challenges, probably because I felt so inadequately prepared for my own.

[Anonymous]

Is your DH ashamed or embarrassed that he had fertility issues? Does he not want his children or others to think less of him because of it?

I do think it’s important to tell kids that they have a family history of infertility, and which side of the family, so they can get treatment for it if they need it and so they have the background information they need. However, you don’t want them to think they’re infertile for sure because you don’t want any oops babies when they’re young.

[Anonymous]

It would be reasonable to mention this when your son is a young adult, as you would with any health issue that he might want to know about. Before that, why bring it up one way or another?

[Anonymous]

I’m not sure what the problem is. doesn’t IVF still involve both parents being the actual biological parents? So who cares?

[Anonymous]

When we told our twins how babies are made, they were grossed out, so we told them they were actually created by scientists in a lab because we couldn’t have kids the old fashioned way. They found that more palatable, lol. They’re 15 now and have known for years. It’s really no big deal.

We also had male factor. For your son’s sake, it’s really important that you tell him so that he’s aware that he may need assistance conceiving children — male infertility is a unique situation in that it requires the female partner to undergo medical treatment and procedures to treat the male’s medical issue. It would be a lot for your son to learn one day that not only is he an IVF baby, but that having biological children of his own may possibly require IVF.

If I were you, I’d take this recent comment of his as a natural opening to tell him how he was conceived. To spare him unnecessary anxiety since he’s only a tween, I wouldn’t tell him that this has any implications for his own fertility at this time. I’d wait until he’s out of college to break that news. You certainly don’t want him to assume that he can’t get anyone pregnant.

[Anonymous]

We've always told them, kind of as background to their birth stories. Just like they know their cousins were born via c-section, and one of their best friends is adopted. There are lots of ways people come into the world and lots of ways families are made, etc.

[Anonymous]

There is really no way to keep this secret in the world of DNA testing companies like 23 & me. You wouldn't want him to find out this way. He will feel betrayed. You also need to tell him to be honest about medical history.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is really no way to keep this secret in the world of DNA testing companies like 23 & me. You wouldn't want him to find out this way. He will feel betrayed. You also need to tell him to be honest about medical history.

There's no indication in OP that donor eggs or sperm were used, so that isn't a concern here.

[Anonymous]

A kid in my DD’s pre-K class taught her where babies come from. You know, when a doctor merges the sperm with an egg then implants it in the mommy’s belly. I about died. But if they are gonna talk about it at school I’m fine with that version!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A kid in my DD’s pre-K class taught her where babies come from. You know, when a doctor merges the sperm with an egg then implants it in the mommy’s belly. I about died. But if they are gonna talk about it at school I’m fine with that version!

[Anonymous]

Told him from the beginning. Would pass the place and point it out.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Told him from the beginning. Would pass the place and point it out.

Us too!

[Anonymous]

OP here. I should have clarified that DS IS DH's and my biological child.

Appreciate everyone's input and for validating my instinct that we should tell him. Like I said, we weren't intentionally keeping it from him. We just never thought to bring it up. But now that he is learning and talking about it I feel this is a good time to share how he was conceived. I feel like waiting until he's older would make it more awkward and potentially cause some resentment from DS if we wait. There's certainly no shame on my side and have shared our journey with friends who also struggled with infertility. I actually think it's pretty awesome how we were able to bring him into the world. That said, DH is very private and there may be some shame there knowing it was due to male factor infertility. But like some of you have pointed out that may be something we would need to confront with DS in the future and telling him now that he was an IVF baby will help provide context later on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We've always told them, kind of as background to their birth stories. Just like they know their cousins were born via c-section, and one of their best friends is adopted. There are lots of ways people come into the world and lots of ways families are made, etc.

So true!