Filing for bankruptcy and feel terrible

[Anonymous]

I’ve always, always taken pains to manage my money well. I was in an abusive relationship (including being financially abused - was a SAHM in a foreign country) and took out a high limit credit card to be able to leave my former spouse. I used this to support myself and my children in the immediate aftermath of separation as I had no funds and had to get back on my feet. (Good thing: within days of leaving my former spouse emptied our shared accounts.) My divorce attorney absolutely bungled my divorce case, and I got zero alimony, no retirement, nothing.

I was extremely poor and made minimum payments on the credit card for as long as I could. When I could no longer do that, I sent a payment in good faith along with a letter apologizing and ensuring that I would pay more once I was able to secure a higher paying job. The credit card company took the money - and sued me anyway (a few weeks into Covid!). I couldn’t afford a lawyer and made the terrible error of ignoring the suit.

Well, now my accounts have been garnished and I’m filing for bankruptcy. Outside of this debt - which I truly did intend to pay - I’ve always been really dedicated to paying my bills on time and in full. I managed to pull up my credit score by nearly 100 points over the past couple of years (credit was decimated after I left). And now this. I’m just so upset that it’s come to this, but there really is no other good option.

I’m disappointed in myself and I feel like a total loser! To add to that, I feel like I have lost so much by divorcing my former spouse and he hasn’t lost anything. This is more of a vent than anything but I just wanted to share - I don’t know how to overcome the shame and embarrassment of this.

[Anonymous]

I don’t know how to overcome the shame and embarrassment of this.

Therapy. That’s how you overcome this and work toward a better future. You need to focus on not ignoring things or waiving rights to things (eg the retirement split) that only make your life worse down the road.

Hopefully you are in a better financial place now. I think you view the bankruptcy as shedding the last vestige of your old life. Depending on your income now, you can file for Ch13 and still repay the debt you intended to pay. But Ch7 might be better in the long run.

[Anonymous]

Recognize that bankruptcy is meant to give people a fresh start, which is how you're using it. You're not abusing the system, or doing something others before you in similar financial situations have not done.

Look at this as a learning opportunity. Examine your past, identify your mistakes, resolve not to repeat them, come up with a plan for improvement going forward, implement the plan, and don't look back. You'll be able to be proud of your accomplishments in the future as you get your feet back under you. You're not the first person to get divorced and to find themselves in financial difficulties as a result. It's how you deal with it that matters.

[Anonymous]

Just wanted to say I’m glad you divorced your abusive husband. Kudos to you for getting out of that!

[Anonymous]

My sister declared bankruptcy after her divorce and it was a great decision. It’s an option so that debt doesn’t destroy people’s lives. FWIW, my sister was able to buy a house on her own about five years after bankruptcy, so it certainly didn’t ruin her life (or even, permanently, her credit). Good luck! You deserve the fresh start.

[Anonymous]

Don't have shame OP. Have pride that you did the right thing and got away with your kids from an abuser. Is bankruptcy ideal, no. In your case, do and move on. It doesn't make you a bad person. You are a survivor and take that tenacity to move beyond this. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know how to overcome the shame and embarrassment of this.

Therapy. That’s how you overcome this and work toward a better future. You need to focus on not ignoring things or waiving rights to things (eg the retirement split) that only make your life worse down the road.

Hopefully you are in a better financial place now. I think you view the bankruptcy as shedding the last vestige of your old life. Depending on your income now, you can file for Ch13 and still repay the debt you intended to pay. But Ch7 might be better in the long run.

How is someone who is bankrupt going to afford therapy?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My sister declared bankruptcy after her divorce and it was a great decision. It’s an option so that debt doesn’t destroy people’s lives. FWIW, my sister was able to buy a house on her own about five years after bankruptcy, so it certainly didn’t ruin her life (or even, permanently, her credit). Good luck! You deserve the fresh start.

+1 op this is exactly what bankruptcy is for. You deserve a fresh start, please be kind to yourself. You were in an impossible position and have done very hard things - gotten yourself out of an abusive relationship! Now you are using a tool that is put in place for exactly situations like this. This debt should not hang over you, you deserve to start again. Good luck!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know how to overcome the shame and embarrassment of this.

Therapy. That’s how you overcome this and work toward a better future. You need to focus on not ignoring things or waiving rights to things (eg the retirement split) that only make your life worse down the road.

Hopefully you are in a better financial place now. I think you view the bankruptcy as shedding the last vestige of your old life. Depending on your income now, you can file for Ch13 and still repay the debt you intended to pay. But Ch7 might be better in the long run.

How is someone who is bankrupt going to afford therapy?

Hopefully after all these years she has a job. Many companies offer EAPs. There are also places like the Women’s Center that provide therapy on a sliding scale.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know how to overcome the shame and embarrassment of this.

Therapy. That’s how you overcome this and work toward a better future. You need to focus on not ignoring things or waiving rights to things (eg the retirement split) that only make your life worse down the road.

Hopefully you are in a better financial place now. I think you view the bankruptcy as shedding the last vestige of your old life. Depending on your income now, you can file for Ch13 and still repay the debt you intended to pay. But Ch7 might be better in the long run.

How is someone who is bankrupt going to afford therapy?

Hopefully after all these years she has a job. Many companies offer EAPs. There are also places like the Women’s Center that provide therapy on a sliding scale.

A lot of waitlists for this kind of therapy. There is a shortage, especially for affordable options.
OPs best option is plain old grit.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know how to overcome the shame and embarrassment of this.

Therapy. That’s how you overcome this and work toward a better future. You need to focus on not ignoring things or waiving rights to things (eg the retirement split) that only make your life worse down the road.

Hopefully you are in a better financial place now. I think you view the bankruptcy as shedding the last vestige of your old life. Depending on your income now, you can file for Ch13 and still repay the debt you intended to pay. But Ch7 might be better in the long run.

How is someone who is bankrupt going to afford therapy?

Hopefully after all these years she has a job. Many companies offer EAPs. There are also places like the Women’s Center that provide therapy on a sliding scale.

I have what I think is generally decent EAP. I get one session free

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know how to overcome the shame and embarrassment of this.

Therapy. That’s how you overcome this and work toward a better future. You need to focus on not ignoring things or waiving rights to things (eg the retirement split) that only make your life worse down the road.

Hopefully you are in a better financial place now. I think you view the bankruptcy as shedding the last vestige of your old life. Depending on your income now, you can file for Ch13 and still repay the debt you intended to pay. But Ch7 might be better in the long run.

How is someone who is bankrupt going to afford therapy?

Hopefully after all these years she has a job. Many companies offer EAPs. There are also places like the Women’s Center that provide therapy on a sliding scale.

A lot of waitlists for this kind of therapy. There is a shortage, especially for affordable options.
OPs best option is plain old grit.

Ok, you’re right. She should just suck it up and not doing anything to address the trauma she’s been through.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

I don’t know how to overcome the shame and embarrassment of this.

Therapy. That’s how you overcome this and work toward a better future. You need to focus on not ignoring things or waiving rights to things (eg the retirement split) that only make your life worse down the road.

Hopefully you are in a better financial place now. I think you view the bankruptcy as shedding the last vestige of your old life. Depending on your income now, you can file for Ch13 and still repay the debt you intended to pay. But Ch7 might be better in the long run.

How is someone who is bankrupt going to afford therapy?

Hopefully after all these years she has a job. Many companies offer EAPs. There are also places like the Women’s Center that provide therapy on a sliding scale.

I have what I think is generally decent EAP. I get one session free

That would be a crappy EAP. 3-5 days is the norm from a benefits perspective.