10 yo ASD/ADHD - how to help

[Anonymous]

Diagnosed at age 3 1/2 - really almost 4. Seven years of OT/Speech - never had a great therapist though. Currently with an ok OT and finally a good Speech therapist but only 30 min a week via Zoom. We were on a waitlist for ABA but it never panned out.

Overall, kid is doing well at home as he pretty much always has. He rarely has any behavior issues at home - and at school is fine unless he is bullied by someone -in which case he has learned to speak up (previously used to shut down) - but now he actually fights back and can lose his temper which we are working on. Thankfully, this has only happened a few times. However, it has happened enough that I think he has alienated classmates and is maybe regarded as "weird" or a "crybaby".

He has an IEP and is supposed to get some supports and extra time at school. He is in the 4th grade and making Bs and Cs and a few As - but mostly in music and art which I think everyone gets an A. He has maybe one or two friends but sees them only at school as they ride another bus, and parents of one child recently moved to the US and do not speak much English, do not drive and do not seem interested in meeting up. The other child is someone that my son hangs out with at school but does not sound that nice, and he is not interested in seeing him outside of school.

Between reading tutors twice a week, homework, music lessons, OT and Speech, his week is pretty full. On the weekends, he has swimming lessons, Sunday school, and he may see a friend from our old neighborhood once a month if we have their family over. However, the childhood friend mostly enjoys coming over and playing at our house more than with our son if that makes sense.

Maybe it's the time of year, but I'm feeling kind of bleak on his outlook -like he is not progressing much at all and I foresee him not being able to make it in middle school as he is fairly immature in his interests and developmentally. He still cannot tie his shoes and wears a slip on kind of shoe. He dresses in pull on kind of clothing which thankfully is the norm for most kids his age. However, I just see the gap between him and NT peers widening so much. I'm almost wondering if he is regressing?!

I'm looking for advice from parents of children with similar SNs who have BTDT. What therapy should he be doing? Any amazing summer camps? I've spent several 100K and countless hours on all kinds of therapies, lessons, camps, programs, social skills groups, nutritionists who have had us do special diets and supplements, the best psychiatrists with trials of meds - but now we are off everything because none of it made any difference - even the ADHD meds never improved his attention that much and he had lots of side effects. His attention is actually OK especially if he is interested or if the teaching is really good. His main issues are extremely slow processing speed and very poor working memory.

Sorry for the long post. I'm just trying to give the most complete picture and looking for any advice as I really am not seeing progress and nothing has made a difference. I know some kids with ASD have a talent or gift - but he does not really excel at anything in particular - but is overall a very good person who wants to do well. He just continues to have motor planning issues and clumsiness that prevent him from playing mainstream sports. He's not into nature, etc and we are definitely not into camping so ruled out Boy Scouts. However, I am trying to help him find his niche and make some good friends. We are also open to looking at private schools starting in middle school.

Any parents with kids who are doing well in MS and HS, please share what helped.

[Anonymous]

I have a DD with ADHD in 4th and I can relate. Winter is a tough time. She also has not found her niche nor her Forbes group. Fwiw I work in a school with middle schoolers and so very many of them wear elastic pants and slip on shoes. Your kid may not be as far outside the norm as you think.

Consider getting yourself a sun lamp. I feel the most down about my kid and her prospects when I myself and suffering from seasonal affective disorder.

That he is a good person says so much about both of you.

[Anonymous]

OP, my 8yo dd with ASD also can't tie shoes, or ride a bike (or swim! but she actually wants to take lessons now so we're about to). So he's not alone LOL

You mentioned music lessons? Music is a great way to develop an interest in something. What does he play? Something like guitar or drums (or bass) could open up social interactions as he gets older.

Maybe a small private middle school would be good for him?

As far as friends-my dd has a little gaggle of girls she hangs out with at school, but she really isn't interested in it at home-she likes to do her own thing at home and could care less about a friend coming over. She is happy though so I don't worry about it too much. Is your DS happy with his friends situation? If so, I would not worry too much. I mean, your DS sounds like a good kid, and seems to be doing all right a tthe moment.

[Anonymous]

I agree the therapies can often be a waste of time and money. Most issues need to be worked on daily at home anyway. You can work on teaching him to tie a bow. At age 10.5, DC learned and then was excited to pick out their first pair of cool tie shoes. Then each day DC ties them and off we go. Then DC can get excited about tied boots or tied dressy shoes, etc. Make it a big deal to go to REI or a real running store to try and pick out those tied shoes, etc. It just happened after that. A lot of kids don’t tie shoes in K any more.

[Anonymous]

For kids with delays, progress happens on a delayed schedule but it still happens. Hang in there.

[Anonymous]

My DD is 12 and in 6th grade and I felt a lot like you do when she was 10. I was prepared for MS to be a disaster because she can’t tie her shoes well and would never be able to get ready for PE quickly enough, she had no friends and would be alone all day, and wouldn’t be able to keep up academically. We have spent so much money on therapy that I feel like we will never be able to retire.

Here’s how it panned out. DD has made 2-3 solid friends and she is so happy about that. She doesn’t often see them on weekends but she isn’t much into that anyway. The point is that she has people to hang with at school. For gym she wears Nikes with a zipper (FlyEase - highly recommend) so she never has to tie or untie. She still does a lot of tutoring and is never going to be a strong student but is eeking out Bs and an occasional C. Now that she is in classes divided up by skill level, she isn’t around the peers who are way ahead of her in math, reading, etc and I think that is better for many reasons. Her processing speed is so slow that she couldn’t keep up with the brighter kids and it was a big cause of self loathing. She is much happier now. Having PE every day helps her burn off excess energy so I think she can focus better and she strongly prefers the freedom to do her own thing as compared to the highly choreographed ES schedule.

It is so much better than I ever imagined. Keep the faith, OP. All your hard work is making a difference and things will be ok.

[Anonymous]

OP here. Thank you so much for all these kind responses. I'm feeling better about things - or at least not so alone.

[Anonymous]

Get OT or a shoe tying board and teach that skill.

[Anonymous]

OP, I think ADHD kids just mature more slowly. I know it's hard. But he has many years of life in which to grow and mature. It isn't a race. I've seen so many kids of this description find their path one step at a time.

It sounds like you've burnt out a bit on implementing all the interventions and need a break, for him and for you. Try to focus on what's truly important. Try to let go of things that don't really matter that much, like shoe-tying (which BTW a lot of kids can't do at this age).

[Anonymous]

I taught many kids like this for years. I appreciate that you are working hard on providing everything needed. Every now and then, ask yourself if he is overscheduled. I suspect all these interventions are over time. Your main issue is to be sure he feels happy and secure in himself. His reality is not yours. He may not want friends over, because he needs that weekend time to recharge.

Drama in middle school is usually a place where all kids are welcome. He can work on stage crew and see that he is part of something bigger and is needed. He can try therapeutic horse back riding. 4-H is better than Scouts for him. But, let him follow his interests and be himself.

You’re a good parent!

[Anonymous]

He sounds a bit over scheduled to me. He may just need some recharge time. You may want to think about what is truly necessary for him, versus nice. And time with a parent is good time!

[Anonymous]

OP here. I saw the reply about teaching shoe tying and ordered a shoe tying board on Amazon - and then saw the other replies and realize I need to take his lead on some things. Thank you for all these thoughtful insights!