Women, would you date someone long married to a man?

[Anonymous]

I’ve long known that I am attracted to both women and men. (One of my first crushes was Sam / Alyssa Milano on Who’s the Boss.). But I never really pursued dating women. Honestly and candidly because the world at the time was way less inclusive and I cared more about being judged when I was younger. I briefly dated one woman and slept with a couple more but 20+ years ago. I’m contemplating divorce from my husband and while I find the idea of dating again terrifying after 16 years, I realize I’m interested in dating women, maybe more so than men. But I’m unsure what the response would be to a middle aged woman who has mostly dated men, and married a man. I’m mid 40s, fit, active, successful.

[Anonymous]

This is not an uncommon situation, so yes, I would. But, I’d rather not be anyone’s first date after a long relationship.

[Anonymous]

Of course! But then I’m bisexual, even though I have been married to a woman for 20 years. You may indeed be overlooked by some lesbians, but there are plenty of bisexual women out there for you to date. I suggest you focus your attention there. Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

you should be able to find dates if you give it some time. Some people may not want to but some absolutely will.

One thing I will say, since you don’t address it here at all

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you should be able to find dates if you give it some time. Some people may not want to but some absolutely will.

One thing I will say, since you don’t address it here at all

I accidentally hit submit before finishing.

Anyway just know that a lot of people will refuse to date you if you are closeted. Coming out is hard for everyone and dating a closeted person puts us back in the closet. If you’re out and not ashamed of your friends, family, coworkers, neighbors, and the general public knowing that you’re dating another woman then that will definitely make things easier for you. If you’re closeted, your dating options will be extremely limited.

[Anonymous]

I came out and divorced my husband after 15 year marriage.
I went in a lot of so-so first dates.
I eventually met someone who is my partner now.
But there was a lot of transformation and many many things happening between when I first realized I wanted out of my marriage (to date women) and now.

[Anonymous]

OP here, thank you, good point re being closeted. Strangely enough, the one time I dated a woman I was comfortable being open about it (although it was brief enough I don’t believe I told my family). Considering that I have been married to a man for well over a decade, most of my friends and family probably would be pretty surprised but I don’t think I would even consider dating women without being open about it.

[Anonymous]

Lesbian here. Since we're all anonymous I'll admit that I would prefer to not date someone who was in a long-term marriage to a man (if I'm just using online dating or know little about you/don't have a prior friendship). I think I'd feel kind of insecure about you deciding you want to go back to men. And YES to the closeted stuff. Regardless of whether you're bisexual or not, you have been presenting as straight. Your family, community, coworkers, neighbors, and, MAINLY, children see you as straight, so there will be a lot of adjustments your loved ones will need to make and I just don't want to be a part of that. I see you've dated a woman before and that's in your favor, because I also don't want to be anyone's first experience with a woman.

[Anonymous]

I would not. If I were to decide to date women I would want to date someone who is an experienced and established lesbian. For lack of a better term.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Lesbian here. Since we're all anonymous I'll admit that I would prefer to not date someone who was in a long-term marriage to a man (if I'm just using online dating or know little about you/don't have a prior friendship). I think I'd feel kind of insecure about you deciding you want to go back to men. And YES to the closeted stuff. Regardless of whether you're bisexual or not, you have been presenting as straight. Your family, community, coworkers, neighbors, and, MAINLY, children see you as straight, so there will be a lot of adjustments your loved ones will need to make and I just don't want to be a part of that. I see you've dated a woman before and that's in your favor, because I also don't want to be anyone's first experience with a woman.

This. First relationships with women can be intense. SO many new feelings - euphoria, confusion, shame, excitement, fear, intense passion...it is like being a teenager in your 30s/40s/50s.

And the being OUT OUT is big for me. I have been out for nearly 30y and I don't want to be anyone's secret.

[Anonymous]

NP here. I just got out of a 20+ year relationship with a man (16 years married) and have 2 kids. I outgrew my marriage and needed a divorce, but a big part of that is the feeling that I want to be in a relationship with a woman. I can't wrap my head around coming out until/unless that happens. I appreciate the poster above saying they don't want to be part of anyone's coming out process, that's given me some things to think about. I don't know how I'm ever going to meet anyone let alone start dating.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP here. I just got out of a 20+ year relationship with a man (16 years married) and have 2 kids. I outgrew my marriage and needed a divorce, but a big part of that is the feeling that I want to be in a relationship with a woman. I can't wrap my head around coming out until/unless that happens. I appreciate the poster above saying they don't want to be part of anyone's coming out process, that's given me some things to think about. I don't know how I'm ever going to meet anyone let alone start dating.

There are others in your same circumstance that will be a good fit. Not everyone will care. People are in all stages of coming out at all ages. Just be honest when you start dating. I get it, I didn't tell my parents I was gay until I was about to move in with now wife (25y ago.) But I also knew I was gay before I dated. I never had any desire to be intimate (physically or emotionally) with men.

[Anonymous]

I’m bi and can assure you there are many lesbians who will actively avoid dating you or any bisexual woman.

Date other bis.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m bi and can assure you there are many lesbians who will actively avoid dating you or any bisexual woman.

Date other bis.

Why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lesbian here. Since we're all anonymous I'll admit that I would prefer to not date someone who was in a long-term marriage to a man (if I'm just using online dating or know little about you/don't have a prior friendship). I think I'd feel kind of insecure about you deciding you want to go back to men. And YES to the closeted stuff. Regardless of whether you're bisexual or not, you have been presenting as straight. Your family, community, coworkers, neighbors, and, MAINLY, children see you as straight, so there will be a lot of adjustments your loved ones will need to make and I just don't want to be a part of that. I see you've dated a woman before and that's in your favor, because I also don't want to be anyone's first experience with a woman.

This. First relationships with women can be intense. SO many new feelings - euphoria, confusion, shame, excitement, fear, intense passion...it is like being a teenager in your 30s/40s/50s.

And the being OUT OUT is big for me. I have been out for nearly 30y and I don't want to be anyone's secret.

If we’re keeping it real, you really think it’s just first relationships w/a woman that are intense?? IME, it’s ALL relationships w/women. She’s already said she doesn’t plan to keep anyone a secret.

OP — as a warning, some lifelong, gold star lesbians will be the most judgmental of you.