Parent's memory beginning to decline, very dysfunctional family

[Anonymous]

My mom is in her 90s. She is confused or forgetful more frequently. Yesterday she forgot she had gone to a doctor's appointment in the fall, saw a bill and called and told the office they had made an error. That was before her HHA started.

She lives in her home and has a caregiver through an agency, that part is working well and communication is good there, with weekly reports, calls for something more urgent, etc.

My brother has POA and is executor of her will but is not interested in any aspects of caregiving, including being on accounts or interacting with her doctors or monitoring her online medical notes from appointments. She has a will and POA but never set up the interim documents, does not want us to talk to doctors, have access to online medical records, etc. I have gone to appointments in person when there but she has refused to consent to my calling in. I foresee things getting messy, but not how to change it? She is a difficult person whose sense of self is being "smarter" than everyone else. As she has become more forgetful she seems almost a bit paranoid toward me.

My brother is pretty callous, his new wife and I convinced my mom to stop driving and his response recently was, "we should give her keys again and move this along, I don't really care if she takes someone else out with her." His wife said she feels differently, thank goodness. He refers to her as "my mom" to me, which is odd. My parents put their house in a trust that he is the sole trustee of, so I expect he will not divide that money and the house is worth a decent amount, but he still complains if my mom goes shopping or about the HHA fee, he has said she was wasting "his" money. The other day he told me that I should not worry about keeping in touch with her, just call every month or so, that they have "got it." They have wanted to move her to live in their isolated rural house in a state where we have no family, so I suspect he wants to ramp up the pressure tactics.

Other relatives have expressed concern about the situation but I'm not sure what I can really do since I have no legal power. If I got her to add me to say credit card accounts I could monitor if they have been paid but not make payments with her funds, w/o POA or being added to bank accounts. I wonder if she makes any changes if he will claim she is incompetent and force a move/isolate her. When I was down visiting, he called on speaker while in the shower, which was kind of creepy and on a practical level was hard for an older person to even hear. He has weird boundaries and I have had very limited contact with him as an adult. He initiated contact when she had a health emergency last year and I was there, mostly pressuring me to get her to move to his home, "it would be cheapest and most convenient for us."

Is there any point encouraging her to allow me to help with bills and doctors if I have no legal power?

If she changed MPOA to me at this point how does the recent forgetfulness impact any changes she makes?

I'm not going to limit my contact with her, obviously, but am not sure what I should do otherwise. One thought was to ask to go with her to talk to her lawyer when I visit next and have him talk about the need for interim steps. My brother was once on her investment accounts years ago and he said she was paranoid about her money and he told her to take him off. Since she is more paranoid and angry now, should I just let things play out and problems develop? He was unequivocal that he will not be on her accounts now.

How to best support her in this next phase? My brother does not share info with me unless directly asked, there is not really collaboration, more him trying to get me to carry out his wishes. To me, if she has to spend down assests anyway, being close to her familiar doctors and with the HHA and with extended family not too far away is one means to that end. I do plan to go no contact with him again when she passes but have tried to create a working relationship in the meantime. If anyone has BTDT with similar dynamics, any advice would be appreciated.

[Anonymous]

You do what you can handle without giving yourself a nervous breakdown. Your mom chose your brother for POA and executor while of sound mind. She will now be dealing the consequences of that choice.

Good on you and SIL for getting her to stop driving. That is a must.

Your other relatives are welcome to insert themselves and speak directly to your brother, but I found I had to set a boundary. I am not a messenger. Make it clear mom chose him and all concerns should be directed to him.

I suspect your brother was always nutty and your mom went into denial? Not your problem. Yes, moving her to a rural area does not sound ideal, and you could consult with a lawyer, but not sure that you have much for a case.

Do what you can, but remember not to set yourself on fire to take care of a woman who made these destructive choices while of sound mind. If you take care of things that are his job legally, he could make your life very stressful.

[Anonymous]

I'd discuss the POA with her and see if she'd be open to changing it and then discuss with the attorney.

Confused or forgetful doesn't mean she's not of sound mind. Heck, I am 51 and perfectly competent and I forget stuff all the time.

There's obviously no love lost between you and your brother and to say he seems callous is an understatement. In theory, there could be an issue with him challenging the POA for undue influence, but that generally would have to be done in court.

If your mother refuses, then what's done is done, but at least you tried.

[Anonymous]

I think OP posted a different thread recently. Is that correct OP? I remember the brother not caring if mom kills someone driving (horrible!!) It doesn't sound like OPs mom wants OP to be POA or anything and then mom is nutty.

OP, therapy may help you figure out your boundaries. You can visit mom and be in her life, but you cannot protect her from all the poor choices she made while cognitively able to do so. It's the same when your children become adults. You can't help them unless they want to be helped.

I have a parent making horrible choices who passes dementia screens. I also have a brilliant sibling who consistently makes horrifying choices in her own life and expects everyone to rescue her and pick up the pieces. I learned in therapy to stop enabling and to detatch with love.

[Anonymous]

Why did she choose your brother to be legally responsible and to get her house?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think OP posted a different thread recently. Is that correct OP? I remember the brother not caring if mom kills someone driving (horrible!!) It doesn't sound like OPs mom wants OP to be POA or anything and then mom is nutty.

OP, therapy may help you figure out your boundaries. You can visit mom and be in her life, but you cannot protect her from all the poor choices she made while cognitively able to do so. It's the same when your children become adults. You can't help them unless they want to be helped.

I have a parent making horrible choices who passes dementia screens. I also have a brilliant sibling who consistently makes horrifying choices in her own life and expects everyone to rescue her and pick up the pieces. I learned in therapy to stop enabling and to detatch with love.

Amen. Best advice of the thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Why did she choose your brother to be legally responsible and to get her house?

Not op but my mom is of a similar age and in her generation, men deal with all this type of stuff. My mom would never consider giving me that job even though I would protect her interests more carefully. I have two brothers who are as bad as op's but fortunately the brother in charge isn't desperate for money. She lives on her own with no caregivers and he doesn't give a thought to planning about this. I've been told that he plans to move her in with he and his wife at some point. All of us know mom would rather stay with a different brother. I've accepted that my hands are tied. She made the best decision she could when she made it. She grew up at a very different time and I'm not angry at her for her biases.