At what age do I need to get more information from my parents?

[Anonymous]

My parents are in their late 60s. For reference, their parents passed in 60s/70s on one side and 90s on the other. I know that I'm the executor of their will (which I don't even have a copy of, they've showed it to me), but that is the only piece of information I know that pertains to their aging - nothing about their finances, doctors, medical wishes etc. and when I have subtly tried to get any of this information I've been brushed off. When and how would you suggest that I go about trying to learn more so I am prepared as they age?

[Anonymous]

At least get Will, POA, medical POA now. You never know when something major will happen. Then over time, get the name of their doctors and make sure they have signed the paper that allows the doctors to talk to you.
Make note of the medications they are taking when you visit.

[Anonymous]

Living to their 90s even tells you little. My parents bragged about all the people who lived to their 90s "sharp as a tack." My parents were not involved in care and if talk to those who were, they lost it by late 70s and even in mid 70s were declining.

You can try to get the info, but if they keep brushing you off, then you have to let them make their own mistakes. You can gently explain you want to be as helpful as possible and do right by them, but if they are still together they get to make their own poor choices.

[Anonymous]

Along the way ... and this is general advice, going forward ... you have to be willing to risk Mommy & Daddy being mad at you. You will be the adult in the room. You will be the one more capable. Start getting use to the idea of that role reversal. I'll leave to others to give you specifics.

[Anonymous]

I'm late 60s and I find this very weird. I have kept my adult kids informed about literally everything they would need to know if I got very sick or died. I've been through dealing with a death myself when you don't have all the info and it can be a nightmare. I can't imagine why your parents are reluctant to share with you.

I created a google doc that I update regularly with all the info my kids need and it is shared with them. I have also made it very easy for them to get into my home computer to access my accounts etc.

My kids are either on my bank accounts or beneficiaries and my home will pass to them on my death with no need for a will or probate. I have instructed them how to transfer ownership of my car with a death certificate and I trust them to keep or dispose of my furniture and other personal property as they choose.

I will say my own mother started informing my siblings and I of everything we would need to know when she was in her 60s and she lived to be 90. My dad died mid 60s so I have prepared my kids just in case.

You might want to ask your parents why they would set you up for way more trouble than you deserve upon their death, at a time when you are least able to deal with it. Maybe it's because there is two of them and they figure the other will handle everything if one of them dies?

[Anonymous]

OP, PP @ 22:00 makes many great points, especially in the last paragraph. Perhaps you can frame it similarly to your parents - “someone just shared with me the challenges they had when X happened and they didn’t have the details. I would hate not being able to be present for either or both of you as I had to do/figure out Y.”

Mortality is overwhelming. I hope to make the logistics as easy as possible for our kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm late 60s and I find this very weird. I have kept my adult kids informed about literally everything they would need to know if I got very sick or died. I've been through dealing with a death myself when you don't have all the info and it can be a nightmare. I can't imagine why your parents are reluctant to share with you.

I created a google doc that I update regularly with all the info my kids need and it is shared with them. I have also made it very easy for them to get into my home computer to access my accounts etc.

My kids are either on my bank accounts or beneficiaries and my home will pass to them on my death with no need for a will or probate. I have instructed them how to transfer ownership of my car with a death certificate and I trust them to keep or dispose of my furniture and other personal property as they choose.

I will say my own mother started informing my siblings and I of everything we would need to know when she was in her 60s and she lived to be 90. My dad died mid 60s so I have prepared my kids just in case.

You might want to ask your parents why they would set you up for way more trouble than you deserve upon their death, at a time when you are least able to deal with it. Maybe it's because there is two of them and they figure the other will handle everything if one of them dies?

You sound like a normal, mentally healthy and considerate person. I suspect you may have even been involved with dealing with your own aging parents and didn't bury your head in the sand. Your kids are fortunate.

My parents never treated their own anxiety disorders and went into denial about their own parents. Then they went into denial about their own aging. The reluctance comes from mental health issues like anxiety disorders. You can't comprehend it because you are a healthy functioning individual, but those of us from dysfunctional families know it well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm late 60s and I find this very weird. I have kept my adult kids informed about literally everything they would need to know if I got very sick or died. I've been through dealing with a death myself when you don't have all the info and it can be a nightmare. I can't imagine why your parents are reluctant to share with you.

I created a google doc that I update regularly with all the info my kids need and it is shared with them. I have also made it very easy for them to get into my home computer to access my accounts etc.

My kids are either on my bank accounts or beneficiaries and my home will pass to them on my death with no need for a will or probate. I have instructed them how to transfer ownership of my car with a death certificate and I trust them to keep or dispose of my furniture and other personal property as they choose.

I will say my own mother started informing my siblings and I of everything we would need to know when she was in her 60s and she lived to be 90. My dad died mid 60s so I have prepared my kids just in case.

You might want to ask your parents why they would set you up for way more trouble than you deserve upon their death, at a time when you are least able to deal with it. Maybe it's because there is two of them and they figure the other will handle everything if one of them dies?

You sound like a normal, mentally healthy and considerate person. I suspect you may have even been involved with dealing with your own aging parents and didn't bury your head in the sand. Your kids are fortunate.

My parents never treated their own anxiety disorders and went into denial about their own parents. Then they went into denial about their own aging. The reluctance comes from mental health issues like anxiety disorders. You can't comprehend it because you are a healthy functioning individual, but those of us from dysfunctional families know it well.

Thanks for your kind words. I am able to comprehend what you describe and I do feel very fortunate to not have had to deal with the worst of the mental health and anxiety disorders some people suffer from. However, both my father and my brother died with almost zero preparation in place leaving those of us who loved them to deal with that aftermath. My mother mostly dealt with issues related to my father but my sister and I had to navigate the complex fallout from my brother's unexpected death. It took us two years to complete everything related. These experiences, along with my mother's good example, drove my desire to make things as easy as possible for my own kids.

[Anonymous]

Other posters have made very good points. I would keep gently reminding them of specific negative experiences that others have had. I'm lucky that my parents have been proactively shared most of the important stuff with me, but once they start to decline, it becomes harder and harder. My mom recently received an overdue notice from Comcast and could not figure out why because everything is on autopay. I had to show her how to access the bill, even though the link was in the email telling her it was overdue, and saw that she had cancelled the credit card the auto-pay was tied to.

[Anonymous]

It's never too soon OP, and it sounds like you have to be direct.

But you also don't have to couch this in terms of their death. It is good for you to know/be set up to help in case they are in the hospital, need some sort of long term rehab, one is sick and the other has to focus on caregiving, etc...

I made a lot of headway with "This isn't about you dying, I want to be able to help if there is an emergency and you need someone to be able to pay the bills, or make sure the doctors do what you want."

Then get an attorney to help and they will help have the necessary conversations.

Clergy can also be great for this if they are connected to someone like that.

[Anonymous]

Try to at least get a copy of their will and account information. Having account numbers, usernames and passwords as well as the passwords to their phones and emails makes life so much easier. If they’re not comfortable giving you the information ask them to memorialize it in a binder or envelop or something you can access if needed down the road. My mom started with a box with her estate stuff then I had to take over her finances so thankfully I know what she has and where it is.

Could you concoct a story if a “friend” whose parents passed away and they didn’t know where the accounts were and the money went to unclaimed property? My mom gets swayed by these types of stories (you should have heard the one I made up to get her to wear a life alert).

[Anonymous]

At least ask where they keep the important paperwork and have a key/code.