Less responsibility but more mental and emotional stress

[Anonymous]

The title of this thread is how I feel it is to be a parent of a college student and young adult. I did not anticipate how much I worry about them. Even if not needed. They are generally doing just fine. Normal struggles but nothing terrible. But I am noticing my emotional and mental bandwidth still being taken up a great deal by them and how they are doing. Does this get better?

I really feel for my parents now and realized what a good job they did rarely letting on if they felt the same way when I was this age. Especially my mom.

[Anonymous]

I'm sorry you're feeling this way. My experience has been the opposite. I have a freshman DD who had serious mental health issues throughout high school. Now that she's in college, of course I still worry about her, but since I ham not seeing her all the time, I have so much less daily stress.

When she started school, I also started a graduate program and increased my volunteer commitments (and I work FT and have a younger child). I am honestly too busy to worry too much about DD! Could you find some new things to add into your schedule to help? It is hard to go from full time parenting to not being needed as much.

[Anonymous]

I know my mother worried about me, and more so when I left our home country to go to grad school in the USA.

My son has special needs and I know I will worry MASSIVELY when he leaves for college next year - his academic skills are top notch, but his practical life skills are not quite there yet.

[Anonymous]

Op, after awhile you will come to realize that what you are concerned about -- is way off target. You really do not have significant knowledge, about their life now. Nor should you. Nor does any parent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The title of this thread is how I feel it is to be a parent of a college student and young adult. I did not anticipate how much I worry about them. Even if not needed. They are generally doing just fine. Normal struggles but nothing terrible. But I am noticing my emotional and mental bandwidth still being taken up a great deal by them and how they are doing. Does this get better?

I really feel for my parents now and realized what a good job they did rarely letting on if they felt the same way when I was this age. Especially my mom.

Your dilemma is totally understandable but you need to train yourself to relax and let go. Most things you worry about are never going to happen, neither would everything you want for or from them is going to happen. Just wish for the best and accept their decisions for themselves. They'll succeed and they'll fail, they'll laugh and they'll cry, that's life.

[Anonymous]

OP is your child a college freshman? It sounds like you are still acclimating to this change. Unless there really are major struggles (which it sounds like there is not), I think you will see your child occupying less and less of your mental bandwidth and being less of an emotional weight.

If it doesn't lessen, I would suggest talking to someone about it. In the long run, it will be better both for you and your child if you can find a way to stop carrying the emotional burdens of your child at this level. It's not just that it will weigh you down. It will put too much pressure on your child. You mentioned that you are glad your mom didn't "let it show" when she worried the way you do. Well one way not to let it show is to really work at feeling it less. To remind yourself that you have done everything you can to prepare your child for adulthood, but now it is their turn to make their choices, and their mistakes, and to learn and develop resilience and all of it.

Worry rarely helps your child and can often really harm them. It reads as distrust or judgment.

[Anonymous]

What my parents should/could have worried about doesn't even translate into today's modern age. Op, you are and will always look through the lens of your own experience.

[Anonymous]

I really feel this way also. It’s been about a year here but it’s been a bumpy year so I’m in a constant state of will things work, what’s gonna be next, how she doing, etc. I agree that late teens into early adult is the hardest. For sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The title of this thread is how I feel it is to be a parent of a college student and young adult. I did not anticipate how much I worry about them. Even if not needed. They are generally doing just fine. Normal struggles but nothing terrible. But I am noticing my emotional and mental bandwidth still being taken up a great deal by them and how they are doing. Does this get better?

I really feel for my parents now and realized what a good job they did rarely letting on if they felt the same way when I was this age. Especially my mom.

I guess stress is from having less insight and no control but still having to be responsible for their actions because you care.

[Anonymous]

OP I wondered these same things (is this normal…?) and also worried a ton. It gets better and over time you will see how proud your kids are to be on their own and independent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The title of this thread is how I feel it is to be a parent of a college student and young adult. I did not anticipate how much I worry about them. Even if not needed. They are generally doing just fine. Normal struggles but nothing terrible. But I am noticing my emotional and mental bandwidth still being taken up a great deal by them and how they are doing. Does this get better?

I really feel for my parents now and realized what a good job they did rarely letting on if they felt the same way when I was this age. Especially my mom.

I guess stress is from having less insight and no control but still having to be responsible for their actions because you care.

+1 this is it exactly for me

[Anonymous]

For me overall, out of sight is definitely more out of mind--I worry much more about them generally when they are home on breaks than when they are away at school. But my oldest went off to college 6 years ago, so I've been doing this for a while, and my kids have done ok, so there hasn't been much to worry about. It gets easier as you get more accustomed to the comings and goings--assuming your kid is doing ok. If they are having real problems, it is very hard to have them away from you. My nephew has had a very hard time as a young adult, and my brother worries about him constantly.