The pressure of deciding what to put on a headstone….
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Anonymous
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Has kept me stuck in a loop of inactivity. It has been two years since my dad died and I still haven’t gotten a headstone.
He was a funny, kind, generous, loving person. I want to honor some of his good qualities instead of just putting his name and the dates of his birth and death. He loved history and actually I have fond memories of being a kid and he took me to a historic graveyard and we would try to imagine the back stories of a person based on the little details on their headstone. Also I want it to be a place his grandkids and visit when they want to and have something that makes them feel proud. I’m not really sure what I’m asking here (don’t flame me please!) but if anyone does have advice on how to decide on a headstone - where to buy, what material, any kind of symbology, a funny or fond descriptor - anything would be appreciated. I don’t recall ever being this stuck on a task in my entire life. Part of it is that I really miss my dad and haven’t fully come to terms with his death…. |
Anonymous
| OP again - even if you have a funny or memorable headstone that you e seen and want to share what it looked like and said, maybe that will shake me out of my funk. Thanks to anyone who weighs in. |
Anonymous
| OP I would walk around a cemetery and look at headstones to give you ideas as to what to write. Maybe take pictures of one's that have aged well in order to request a similar material. Same with shape. |
Anonymous
| Nothing will do him justice, so you might as well get it over with and do something simple. |
Anonymous
| First of all, the grandkids don't want to go to the cemetery. They will want to tell you or someone else alive about something exciting so they can get feedback. Second of all, while your memories of your dad are nice, a headstone is not the place to memorialize him. Just put his name, the dates, his roles in people's lives (son, brother, husband, father, etc.) and be done with it. If you want to honor him, then on the anniversary of his death or on his birthday, go to places he loved or wanted to visit. Eat his favorite cake. |
Anonymous
| My husband filled out the form. He put quotes around what the wanted on the headstone. That was wrong. The headstone was made and they used the quotation marks. This bugged him for decades. He finally paid for a new headstone. |
Anonymous
| Simple is best. Name. Dates. Maybe “Dad”. |
Anonymous
| Do a simple one, and then replace it later if something comes to you that you want to include. |
Anonymous
Anonymous
| My dad's stone is simple to look at but the meaning is subtle - the corners have roses as he loved his garden. The cross is the same one used on his high school's shield since he was proud of a long family line there. The color and font are exactly the same as his much-loved brother's. He will be getting a military plaque which goes at the foot of the grave. That's all with just his names and dates and room for my mother's. My mom keeps tasteful decorations - an American flag, flowers, something seasonal. That's where personalization can be. |
Anonymous
| There are people who do this for a living - work at the funeral home, work at the cemetery. Likely they would welcome the opportunity to share ideas with you. There was a lovely young woman who took me on a tour of the cemetery. Showed me examples of headstones, fonts, ideas. It was actually a lovely day. I have nice memories of it. My view of all of this evolved. We had the passing of 4 elders. At first I had a hard time even entering a funeral home (feeling physically faint and sick), to later being interested. |
Anonymous
| I’m in the simple camp. Name and dates. A headstone will never do him, or anyone, justice. You honor him in your heart and how you live. A headstone is simply to mark where he is buried. |
Anonymous
As this demonstrates, pick something and move on. You can buy a different one later if it’s that important. Also, with compulsivity-influenced things like this it can be helpful to decide not to revisit the decision for a predetermined length of time — say one year or three years. This lets you move on without dwelling on the matter. |
Anonymous
This. Many people refuse to every visit a cemetery, even for a loved one. I won't do it, but I carry fond memories and have my own way of celebrating the person. The headstone doesn't matter. Write the best qualities and move on. If visiting the cemetery helps you then keep bringing flowers or rocks or whatever has meaning to you and bring something to clean the headstone. If you want to truly capture him find a way that works for you that others may enjoy. Write or record your stories and share them with photos. Maybe make a photo and story book of it just for the family or not. In the end what matters is what is your heart about him, not what is on a tombstone many will never see or may see once. |
Anonymous
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Was your mother still in his life i.e. will it be a joint headstone?
e.g Bert Smith 1 January 1939-20 October 2021 Loved husband of Jane Davis Smith (fill in dates when she passes away) Was your father in the military? (Rank, medals) Personally, I wouldn't put too much besides his name and dates. I see some with the names of surviving children, but wonder abut those because in genealogy you don't publicize the names of living relatives. You can use family genealogy websites to write a fuller summary of his life e.g. Familysearch.org |