Autism and Sharing Bedroom/Having Own Bedroom

[Anonymous]

DD is at the age where she is wanting her own bedroom. Right now she shares a bedroom, and it's working out well. But the teenage years are coming up, so I'm taking her request for her own room seriously, even though there's no problems. I'd love to get your thoughts on why I'm hesitating. (Also, of course, we'd have to sacrifice our office to make this happen. So it's not totally painless for us parents.)

I worry her having her own room might WORSEN her well being. She has mild autism and tends to be aloof, but not because she likes being alone. She is literally always happy to be with friends; she's just crappy at initiating. Anyway, I worry that the room will be so attractive that she'll spend more time alone there, which is not good for her. (FWIW, she does have a private space to recharge, just not a bedroom.)

Right now, her bedroom is two flights upstairs. And it's shared and small. So, she doesn't want to hang out there. She hangs out with us on the main level. Which is wonderful! We interact, and I often get her to run errands with me or go out with friends. Those are reliable mood lighteners. I can't exert any such influence if she's cloistered upstairs in her bedroom.

My other concern is that she is super messy. She also has ADHD and is just a total mess. Her own room means an even bigger area for her to spread her junk around. And given all the challenges we have now, I don't want extra stuff to fight about.

The alternative to her having her own room would be to put up one of those temporary pressurized walls. It goes floor to ceiling. It will cut the room in half, but would not give her four walls of privacy. Just one wall. She would still be able to hear her sister, or be affected by the light if her sister was reading. (Again, those aren't problems right now.)

Thank you for reading!

[Anonymous]

I would let her have her own room or give the kids a bigger room with a divider.

[Anonymous]

Better she learns how to deal with her issues while young and under your roof.

[Anonymous]

I’d make her show you for several months or more that she’s ready to have her own room. Maybe set up the new room as her hang out room but not make it a bedroom yet. Set the expectation for cleanliness and have her follow it independently for ser number of months before you consider making it into a bedroom. I’d also make a no electronics in the room and other highly preferred items. If shehad those let her keep them in her hangout room. Make the bedroom kind of boring. Clothes, bed, dresser geared towards sleeping. You can limit the amount of stuff she has by putting a limited amount of baskets or storage bins for her things and making it a rule that her things must fit into those bins. You essentially really need to think through the set up before you agree to anything. It’s better to slowly create that transition and instill good habits and create clear expectations before the fact that it is to deal with the repercussions of having none of these things and a child that’s always holed up in their room.

[Anonymous]

I would keep her in the shared room.

I like the divider idea. In college or in the future she will have to live with a roommate and this will force her to compromise, expect the unexpected and all the other challenges she might have and I like that she's often in the common area.

Can you set up the office to give her some space in there too so that if she needs to retreat she can go to a semi-private area and take phone calls or just have some alone time?

[Anonymous]

Sorry I see she does have a private area she can retreat to so ignore the comment about the office but I am really behind her keeping the shared room for all the reasons you listed.

[Anonymous]

How is her emotional regulation? DD is like you and we have had all the problems you're talking about, but her emotional regulation is better now that she has her own space. We have cleaners clean her room once a week and before that she has to put all her stuff away and do her laundry and everything, and while it would be great if she didn't need that motivation, I have ADHD and cleaners is sort of an "accommodation" I need to be motivated too so I can't blame her for it. For social interaction, school and the time she spends with family seems to be enough. On weekends she spends tons of time with her sibling playing, and on weekdays we just force her down for dinner for about an hour.

[Anonymous]

^ oh and fyi she was sharing a room with her brother and I really wanted to give her the benefit of some privacy of going through puberty in her own room.

[Anonymous]

Even neurotypical teens spend a lot of time in their own rooms. Give her her own room

[Anonymous]

If she wants her own room and you have available space, give her her own room. She should have a private space that is relaxing. It doesn't sound like she is particularly isolated.

[Anonymous]

Different genders yes I would get her her own room at that age.

[Anonymous]

The sibling also needs to be a consideration in this. You said your DD is a "total mess." It's entirely possible that your other DD is fed up with this or would like a different arrangement and is going along to get along because she sees you have enough challenges with her sister.

[Anonymous]

Own room and make rules - maybe she will suprise you and enjoy the downtime and be more socially aware when out of her room.

[Anonymous]

Is this one person who keeps posting about their DD’s room? If not, there’s like 3 people dealing with this right now; you guys should get together to discuss.

[Anonymous]

If different genders, own room. But if not, I think I would wait until it was more of an issue for her before doing it for all the reasons you stated. FYI--the bigger room can look less messy if you don't also expand the stuff to fill it!)