DH ADHD? Help

[Anonymous]

I am pretty certain my 20 yr old DS has adult-onset ADHD. She ticks so many of the boxes. I tried to bring it up with her once during a calm moment, when nothing in particular was happening, in hopes that would make it easier to talk about it. She got offended and shut me down.

Last night for the upteenth time she misplaced her debit card and house key. When these things happen she takes care of them herself (eventually), but I am really worried for her. She is in college in another state, and I noticed over the holidays it seemed even more pronounced.

I can’t force her to see a Dr or get help, but I would like to broach the topic again and at least get her to consider it might be something to get checked out. The first time I talked to her I said I was worried, didn’t want her to continually have to deal with the fall out, her life might be a little easier and less stressful if she could put a label on it and maybe meds, maybe I was totally wrong but wouldn’t it be good to know, etc.

This is not typical forgetfulness or immaturity. It bleeds into her social life even where she can’t seem to reply to friends who want to see her. She doesn’t seem depressed. She just seems scatterbrained and unable to focus, stay on top of things, can’t seem to start things, loses things, is inattentive even with people she likes, and has some impulsive behavior (buying things, interrupting people like she simply can’t wait), etc.

Can anyone recommend a way to bring it up again in a way she might see someone about it?

[Anonymous]

Sorry about my mistype in the topic like. It is DS not DH.

Maybe I have it too!

[Anonymous]

I'm confused, you do mean DD Dear Daughter? Or does DS mean stepdaughter?

[Anonymous]

You may not think it's depression, but you should look into high functioning depression -- it looks NOTHING like you'd expect depression to appear, yet when you look at the symptoms it all might click.

[Anonymous]

She's an adult, this is her business now, if she shut you down when you broached it before, it is unlikely she will be more receptive next time. Either she is very resistant to the idea that this is an issue, in which case the only option is to let her figure it out herself, or your relationship is such that she is resistant specifically to the suggestion coming from you. In the latter case, continuing to bring it up will only make it less likely that she ultimately gets checked out for ADHD because that would mean admitting you are right and if you have the kind of combative relationship that makes that hard, she will fight against it.

Leave it alone. Focus on having a good relationship between the two of you and especially on being mutually respectful and having good boundaries. She's an adult now and you have to treat her like one, the more you resist this the worse it will get. You absolutely cannot try to micromanage her health or her personal relationships at this point, it will be disappointing for you and drive her away.

Stop trying to control her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

You may not think it's depression, but you should look into high functioning depression -- it looks NOTHING like you'd expect depression to appear, yet when you look at the symptoms it all might click.

I was going to suggest high functioning depression too!
People hear depression and they imagine someone sobbing uncontrollably & all the time, can't get out of bed, won't shower or communicate with other people... however, it's a narrow mined view that society has adopted from movies & TV.

The thing that really stuck out to me OP, is you saying that it's impacting her friendships or social life.

Look into HFD, it's much more prevalent in your daughter's age group than adult onset ADHD is -- especially since she's a first year college student that's living away... which may be symptomatic as well.

[Anonymous]

Honestly be grateful you have a kid in that generation who DOESN'T want to be labeled

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's an adult, this is her business now, if she shut you down when you broached it before, it is unlikely she will be more receptive next time. Either she is very resistant to the idea that this is an issue, in which case the only option is to let her figure it out herself, or your relationship is such that she is resistant specifically to the suggestion coming from you. In the latter case, continuing to bring it up will only make it less likely that she ultimately gets checked out for ADHD because that would mean admitting you are right and if you have the kind of combative relationship that makes that hard, she will fight against it.

Leave it alone. Focus on having a good relationship between the two of you and especially on being mutually respectful and having good boundaries. She's an adult now and you have to treat her like one, the more you resist this the worse it will get. You absolutely cannot try to micromanage her health or her personal relationships at this point, it will be disappointing for you and drive her away.

Stop trying to control her.

Good God, triggered much?

I don't see this as OP trying to control her child at all... this is called concern, not control.

If he daughter is stiruggling with something like HFP, her daughter most likely WON'T sell help on her own, as she might not recognize it... it's good she has a mother who is concerned.

It sounds like you're projecting your own mommy issues onto OP, because her post doesn't come off as the least bit controlling... if it did, you can trust that DCUM would have informed her and she'd have a ton of critical posts telling her so.

[Anonymous]

* her, not he
* seek, not sell

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

You may not think it's depression, but you should look into high functioning depression -- it looks NOTHING like you'd expect depression to appear, yet when you look at the symptoms it all might click.

I was going to suggest high functioning depression too!
People hear depression and they imagine someone sobbing uncontrollably & all the time, can't get out of bed, won't shower or communicate with other people... however, it's a narrow mined view that society has adopted from movies & TV.

The thing that really stuck out to me OP, is you saying that it's impacting her friendships or social life.

Look into HFD, it's much more prevalent in your daughter's age group than adult onset ADHD is -- especially since she's a first year college student that's living away... which may be symptomatic as well.

NO, no, no.

This person is 20 years old and has already told her mom to butt out. OP should not "look into" anything. Do not treat adults who are not interested in your help like minors. It will make things worse.

Express love and support for your daughter. Let her know if she ever does want your help, you're available, but then tell her you trust her, and adult, to make good choices about her life. And then actually trust her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's an adult, this is her business now, if she shut you down when you broached it before, it is unlikely she will be more receptive next time. Either she is very resistant to the idea that this is an issue, in which case the only option is to let her figure it out herself, or your relationship is such that she is resistant specifically to the suggestion coming from you. In the latter case, continuing to bring it up will only make it less likely that she ultimately gets checked out for ADHD because that would mean admitting you are right and if you have the kind of combative relationship that makes that hard, she will fight against it.

Leave it alone. Focus on having a good relationship between the two of you and especially on being mutually respectful and having good boundaries. She's an adult now and you have to treat her like one, the more you resist this the worse it will get. You absolutely cannot try to micromanage her health or her personal relationships at this point, it will be disappointing for you and drive her away.

Stop trying to control her.

Good God, triggered much?

I don't see this as OP trying to control her child at all... this is called concern, not control.

If he daughter is stiruggling with something like HFP, her daughter most likely WON'T sell help on her own, as she might not recognize it... it's good she has a mother who is concerned.

It sounds like you're projecting your own mommy issues onto OP, because her post doesn't come off as the least bit controlling... if it did, you can trust that DCUM would have informed her and she'd have a ton of critical posts telling her so.

OP has expressed her concern, her daughter rejected it. How do you propose that OP proceed? Take her to a doctor against her will? Call/text/email her information about ADHD HFP until her daughter gives in?

If an adult is not interested in your medical advice, you have to accept that. OP can express concern just like anyone can express concern with someone else's health. But if that person says "no thank you, please leave me alone" you have to do so. You are not their legal guardian, you have no rights there.

If OP focused on having a healthy and respectful relationship with her DD, and on being generally supportive of her DD making good choices on her own, then her DD might actually ask her for help or give more credence to her opinions. But if she keeps needling her about her layman's ADHD diagnosis, her ADULT daughter is going to just stop telling her what is going on in her life and trust her less.